yeaDIstuRBingLy bEauTifuL

Okay, I know updating like three days in a row, kinda sad, can't help it. I am lame. I love the computer... or at least all the games I have on it (snort snort) Geeking aside I just feel like I am really on a roll with all this character writing and kinda threw up another one. (I know such a beautiful way to put it...) Anyway....And she heard the radio click. And she heard it click again. The same songs play back to back as her toes wags will the door making a most horrible squeaking sound. "If the world worked the way I know that it should..." Still the clock ticks on and the music plays again. Hmm... the soft guitar the crying voice. All too beautiful for today. There are better things than waiting for something to happen. I should be looking for adventure and not taking a backseat... hmmm that backseat sounds pretty nice though.... still only wish and hoping and somehow believing that something good will happen if I only wait. The clock keeps moving and I am standing still. I see a movie and another and don't believe anything I see. Is it possible that I am really living or it this some kind of fantasy. If I could tell what I wanted do you think the rest of the world could? I doubt it being the cynic that I am. I succeed.. I suppose at the things that mean nothing to me. School, work but it that really succeeding? Never. I am failing. If I were winning I wouldn't feel this emptiness inside. I wish that people would stop congratulating me and tell me what it is that I can do to make this life better. I want a love a talent a creation. Still... I will just succeed at the things I don't care about. And one thing I have realized, everyone wants a love. I am not alone... In fact it seems as though every teenager in the world believes that he is more deserving or when he has found someone, he is more in love thanm any person has ever been before. And as a child I suppose that I can understand that.. but still.... I am just one girl and to try and understand everyone is too hard to get. I wish.... I pray. Her foot moves faster. ... Her heart races... her tears flow her music plays louder. Walking away. Walking away. Going to the bed. Laying down next to the man she loves she thinks about all these things and realizes maybe she is not so in love. But what to do now, she is married. She has married him and now rubs her stomach with the baby she knows is his... Does she love him.. what is this feeling. Why did it all happen so fast. Why does she feel that she knows nothing about the world when it feels like she has been through so much. She cannot leave him... this she knows. But why? Why? Is it a debt she feels? Is it a fear.... never. She has not been afraid in her whole life.. she looks at his sleeping figure and remembers all of the good and none of the bad. There has been very little bad... the music plays.... she loves him...the music gets louder... she wants to kiss him and hold him and.... the music is deafening... she can't hear herself think and the madness creeps in.. she can't breathe, can't move can't stop... she loves him... so much... so much she loves him... why is it so hard top understand... this life... this love... she loves him so much... am I not deserving... how can I even understand.... th music closes in, her breath fall short.. gasping... gaging.... she pulls the gun out of the drawer.... she loves him so much... so much... she can't hear, can't breathe.. she loves him so much... she knows it... madness.... it consumes... her love for him... madness. She pulls the trigger and the sound is deafening.. the crash and the silence... everything is silenced...the music dissolves, no more closing pain, no trouble breathing. It was madness. Love that drove a poor girl to madness. Because love is just that... maddening. It takes the life away... the life of lovers... the life of the sane and nothing remains when a love dies.
~okay don't think I am crazy. it's a character piece... I'm not sure what to call it but i like it. Beautifully disturbing i would liike to call it. Can never show this to the man I want to marry, may want to never fall asleep with me in the room. "That chick is crazy!" Only not so much.... I SWEAR!! But one question left.. who do you think dies? And this isn't one of those bull5hit questions where I say I wrote it so it could go either way and the reader could decide. I had it all planned out. Wrote it and everything. I just want to know what you guys think before I tell you.