PiCk Me uP, i'VE LanDeD...

I am so terribly upset with myself.
I went three months without writing a thing. What a shame i am. I didn't want to do that anymore... Boo.
So things. Things are good i suppose. Still doin the whole engineering thing here are Purdue. I am still dating Brant.
Things have been a bit patchy there. I don't know what it is, but there is this whole new wave of emotion and that person that i never wanted to be, i feel like i am turning into. Little things upset me more than i would like them to, i feel more dependent on him than i would like to, and i don't know. It's just i feel so much more incredibly emotional and i fucking hate it.
I don't like snapping at him about completely unimportant things and i hate this feeling that i have that he just isn't trying. He takes and takes from the relationship without ever really giving me anything back, and i know that just isn't true. He does contribute, he is a very good and understanding boyfriend.
I think what is a major contributing factor to this is the looming of his graduation in three months. I can't believe how close it is getting. Knowing that he won't be around anymore. It kinda sucks because i have this sinking feeling that things are just not going to work out when he leaves. It'll end, and it will be horrible, and then we will all move on. It's just that bout of horrible that is really going to be painful.
I feel like there is so much more that I could go into.
Lauren quitting the program about a week before school started and her and i not really talking since.
The fact that i miss home terribly right now, for whatever reason. Prolly cause it's this time of year. I always loved my house in the fall and beginning of winter. It really felt like a home.
PFP is good, president is stressful. I love it. I'm trying really hard and i think things are improving. I don't really know. We'll just have to wait and see.
I miss David and Heidi. I miss Kathryn and Caitlin. I wish i could be with them.
I makes me feel so terribly unpopular being here at Purdue with only a handful of people i really like to hang out with. I know that if i was at IU i would not even have to worry about who i would live with and that on friday nights i would have awesomely fun adventures to go on that don't include going to be a bar.
I haven't talked to Brandon is such a long time.
I feel like i am losing who i used to be. Looking at all the people that i used to be friends with and how i don't even seem to care that i don't have contact with them at all anymore.
The priorities in my life have shifted and it's strange and i don't know that i like it. I know they have to change, i am not 16 anymore, shit i'm not 18 anymore. I have had this blog for over 5 years.
Reading this blog makes me nostalgic for all those things i used to do. Those adventures that i used to have. I never really had to try in school. I never lived in school the way that i live in school now. I eat breathe and sleep Purdue and engineering.
At least i can look at this and know that i have lived. I have met people and carried on those relationships. I know that sentence sounds weird and like i am going to stop living now, but that's not true. I am going to continue and rack up all those crazy memories of mine.
When i hear about people now going out and getting trashed on weekend and parties and all that stuff, staying out all night, feeling like such rebels, i feel like i am so terribly boring and missing out on my adolescence. But that isn't the case at all. I am a young adult now. When i actually was an adolescent doing these kinds of things, these people were at home by midnight. I just did my outrageous night life earlier in my life than most. I have to remember that.
It's a pity that i forget so easily.

cOmE aS yOU ArE, AS a fRiEND

It's one of those perfect days of my life. They don't happen often, but when they do, I tend to relish in every delightful moment; Soaking in as much as i possibly can before it all slips away from me and i am trapped again in my mundane existence.
It's raining outside. A wonderful soft rain that falls straight down with big drops that flood the entire campus. When i have no particular place to go or anything in particular to do, i love the rainy days. I could just look out my big bay windows for hours and watch as the rain makes everything appear more gray. Watch how it dims the light of what could be a blinding, hot afternoon, and instead is a soft day with a cool breeze that could be any type of year, any season, any time.
I've had the most wonderfully lazy day that i have had in a while. I woke up early, showered, brushed my teeth, cleaned the kitchen, and then fell asleep to an episode of Law and Order. I woke up to my boyfriend, made lunch and then lazed about, watching the end of Forgetting Sarah Marshall and then Definitely, Maybe.
Watching movies like that, which have witty dialogue with a wonderful mix of love and humor and best friends. It reminds me of David, and makes me miss him. Which is funny because the characters in the story that always remind me of David and my relationship are the ones that starts as friends and end up falling in love. And we never will. But we'll be friends for always.
But today was one of the first times in a while that i was actually able to live in my apartment. Not like i was just taking a rest in between the times that i go to class. Like it's just a place to sit in a climate controlled existence, a stop on the journey and not a destination. I baked cookies, made a ham and cheese melt, and just watched the world outside, and a few nice moments from movies on TV. The only thing missing from my life here is a puppy. I'd really just like to have a puppy.
These are the kind of days that make me miss the life that i used to have. The life that included brandon in it on a daily basis. Dan and even scott seem like welcomed company at this point.
The sound of the rain on the asphalt reminds me of the day that brandon and i went to the playground at Prairie Vista and we smoked, talking about how i was in love with someone else and why no one was in love with him. Then the next time that we went there and we sat in his olds for about an hour or so. Maybe not even talking, i'm not quite sure how we ended up there or what we were even thinking or talking about. But i remember saying goodbye that night and how i felt like it really was goodbye forever. It wasn't, but you never know.
It's times like these that i am so surprised as to how well i can remember some things so vivdly. And somethings, the details, the big important ones, have fallen away from me, or i have pushed them from my memory on purpose.
I wonder how many more memories will go by the wayside.

aNd wE'LL BoTH bE sAfE tiL sT. pATriCK's DaY

The last time i published anything was the very beginning of March.
I am very down on myself about that. But in my defense, life got busy. School got hectic. I made it through to the other side and into my junior year, and into a new major. No more ChE, not for me. MSE is where it's gonna be at. So another three years of my life will be spent here at old Purdue. But, I'm not upset, almost relieved. Everything works out for a reason and i think i will be much happier as a result.
Just reading over my last post there has been a lot in my life that has changed. I am not that same sad sack that was writing on here two months ago. Isn't it amazing what a difference even 2 months can make?
Things rolled into motion. I said some things that i probably shouldn't have, pushed for things that i wanted, and helped break a couple successfully in two. Margaret and Brant broke up mid March. Actually on St. Patricks day. Some how he confided in me that he was not happy with her and i pounced on this opportunity. We hung out for a while, just friends, more and more, flirting like crazy. It was really hard for a while, building things up. All of it came to a head at St. Patricks day when i went over to his apartment with Greg, David, and Mike Z. for a little St. Patricks get together. They were the only people i knew in town because we were all back for boilermaker.
That was the night that Brant called Margaret, who i believe was i Florida for Spring break and told her it was over. Roughly 3 or 4 hours later Brant was sneaking into my room through the laundry door as David slept on the fouton in the living room. That was more or less a drunken hook up. Shamefully only a few hours after being single for him.
But we slept together every night during boilermaker that week. And really, all we did was sleep. No sexin thank you.
Few people found out that we were even toying with the idea of being in a relationship that week. Mackenzie found out the Sunday after our BMR wrap up party at our house. I walked out of my bedroom and as she started to tell me something, Brant walked out after me and i saw her eyes get really wide. As soon as he left she exploded! And so began the tumultuous task of defining exactly what it was that was going on between him and me.
There were a lot of questions to be answered, and my fear of comitment was stronger than ever. We agreed to take it slow. No labling this situation. He was not ready for the time commitment of a girlfriend especially after Margaret. I would have put it off for forever.
Margaret was crazy, called him wanting him back. Begged him at one point. She stalked him on facebook and some how figured out that he was dating me by the time my birthday rolled around. Which is crazy because there are still people me and Brant know that still haven't figured it out.
I aksed him why she was so crazy, and he said it was because she really liked him, more than he had ever liked her.
There were some issues that got to us early on, and might have been a bit of a sabotage on my part, but they were things that really did bug me. I can get over Brant having sex with her, which he did. I had figured as much when she had taken the break up so badly. Obviously she had a deep connection to him, he was her first. He had mentioned that he always had this large fear that he was going to get her pregnant, but he had expressed that she was on the pill and they wore condoms. I explained that didn't make any sense why he wasn't constantly scared that he was going to get me pregnant unless he and Margaret had sex and didn't use a condom. And after a long time of denying that one, he finally said yes. First, that was really really stupid esp. because he is the product of unprotected sex and kinda grew up in a broken home because of it. Second, he lied to me, multiple times and i really had an issue with it.
Some how we prevailed and moved past it and have had few incident since.
Finally made things official on facebook almost 2 months ago.
There is so much more than that I am sure, but that is a nice little abridged version of my life with him thus far. Things are good, he and i geniunely care about each other, blah blah blah.
I guess the thing that is different this time is that I am truly happy, which hasn't happend in a long time. The last real boyfriend thing I had was Scott. I mean, there have been others in between, but really Brant has been the first thing I wanted to hold onto. Someone that i can talk to, share common interests with, that kind of couple stuff that I haven't been able to make a connection with.
I love that my freinds like Brant, Mackenzie can make things as akward as she wants for him. It's how i know she approves. She would just ignore him otherwise, or make things really REALLY akward, which she refrains from, mostly. White, well i don't really give a shit, but she keeps trying to get him and steve to be friends, so i think that counts. And Paul... doesn't ignore him. That's all approval from my end.
It's also nice because all of the reamer friends of Brant that i have met have expressed their approval of me, and the other friends, his robot friends, i was already friends with to begin with so now we are just all better friends.
There is so much more that has happend in this two months, but i don't have the time to go back and get into all of it. I hopefully will sometime soon.
I am working out now more, and by more i mean at all. I have gone every week day since school started which has been five days straight of working out and i ran twice the week before that and went to the co-rec once with white's id when she punked out on kenzie.
I feel better, and it has worked so nicely into my daily routine. Wake up and go to work at 6:30, go to class at 8:30, come home and eat breakfast, take a nap, wake up and do some FIRST work, eat lunch, go to class, come home and dick around for about a half an hour to an hour and then go to the co-rec because parking is free after 3. I come home, shower and do more work, talk to Brant, eat dinner, finish my homework and then talk to Brant before i go to sleep.
I'm really happy with it. Maybe i would like to lose 10 pounds. I don't really care though. Mostly it fills my time, which is a good thing. Weeks seem to get longer and longer. Plus the co-rec is a tow hour period when i am in a highly airconditioned building which in the current heat has been a nice relief.
I think the last thing would prolly be that Brant is going to meet my ENTIRE family at my nephew's first birthday this weekend. I don't really know how that is going to blow over, hopefully well. I would really like it if my family liked Brant. They know some about him, mostly that he drives the boilermaker special, is in robotics with me, and that he is my boyfriend. My family already thinks he must be a glutton for punishment if he is dating me. I think they'll like him. I hope so. And i think, even though he says that he doesn't care if my fam likes him, that he really does and is trying to figure out a way to leave a good impression on them.
Well, it's about three, and i am going to head to the co-rec. Can't lose my schedule now. I finally got something rolling.

tEachEr teLL mE wHat's mY LeSSoN

My hundred and fiftieth post. Can you believe that i have shared this much on this little site of mine?
Me either really.
I don't feel like it's really all that much to be honest.... but that's only looking at things in the scope of this year. This site has been around much longer, four years of my life this month... sweet jesus.
I never thought i would write on this thing for this long, but i am really grateful that i have. So much of myself is on here, and it's a good reminder as to where i have come from. I am not the same person that i used to be four years ago, at least not in many aspects. And for that i am thankful because i was kind of an idiot back then, but i am also a little sad because i had an innocence that i liked about myself, i felt more, had more of a thirst for adventure. At least it seems that way to me. But i was also a lot more sad back then too... just looking at it. Although i have been in a mood recently, probably why i am back here to get it all out. Hopefully come to a conclusion or two.
I can't really describe how it is that i am feeling, because emotional rollercoaster just seems to be too cliche. But i have such joy in my life, i really do. But lately i feel very burnt out, and i don't really have and reason for that. I mean, i have done a lot of work over this week, i've been up until 4 am most nights this week, had two tests yesterday, and am kinda still recovering from the whole buckeye trip. I'm just all strung out.
I talked to mike zwach last night for a while, made me feel pretty good. He is an interesting fellow. It's like breathing in fresh air.
It doesn't help that going to buckeye reminded me of all the reasons that i love hanging out with brant. It's his love for FIRST, his general passion that just makes me attracted to him. I am trying to work my way out of that, but all of this is just so familiar to last year. Time of year, small things... and i have always been a sucker for the small things. It also doesn't help to play the 'what if' game a lot with myself, which starts out being kind of fun, and then just ends up being a huge dissappointment.
I googled 'unrequited love' yesterday. Unrequited love is a bitch, i mean i knew what it meant, i had a generally idea actually, and then this just went into so much detail... damn. You should definately google it, it's well worth the read.
As weird as this may sound, i have been reading FML a lot recently and i am just surprised at how many people out there have had crushes that have turned into nothing, the other person never knew, just that this happens so often.
All i want to do is meet a nice single guy that shares many of the same ideas that i do. Is that so hard to ask for? Perfection?
It's just really hard i think to know deep down inside of yourself that you would be so perfect with someone, like joy would be gained from both ends, happiness, all of the great times of life, memories, everything, and they just are stuck with the wrong person and there is no way to tell them. Or at the very least see what you see.
And maybe that sounds so juvenile, and so completely ridiculous, but there is nothing i can do to change things. I already made a plea and felt like an idiot. And it's really a terrifying thing to have someone start a converstation with you, whom you aren't dating, especially when you are dating someone else, how wonderful the two of you would be together. Creepy. But, then, how do you get rid of those feelings in the pit of your stomach? Cause i can't figure it out. Nope. Tried. Not like i wont continue to try, but sweet damn.
All i ever bitch about are the same things. This really just plays on a loop.
And then when i think about how i keep most of my feelings just locked up because i don't know what else to do with them, can't really do anything, i think about how many other people out there in the world feel this way. How many people are falling for their best friends, good friends, just falling, uncontrollably.
We live in such an irrational world, things don't make sense, people do things without reason, or cause...
It's a mad world.

MaYbe iN a MoNtH OR tWo... MaYBe wHen ThiNGs ArE diFFerEnT foR mE, mAyBe wheN ThiNGs aRe difFerenT fOr yOu...

I was taking a walk outside just a few minutes ago and it was like stepping out my front door was like stepping into my past. There was something, as i was walking over to forney that i just couldn't put my finger on. There was something so familiar in the air, the scent of the world that took me back to some time that i couldn't quite define.
It took me an entire walk over, and an entire walk back to figure out what that air reminded me of. Because it immediately hit me and i had this feeling of melancholy. I love this spring air. It hits me in such a personal place... I thought for a moment that it was a night during spring break and boilermaker, but quickly remembered i didn't have any real memories from that. And then i thought maybe it felt like a night when brant had dropped me off at the dorm after almost spending the night with him, or another time when he walked me home, but it just didn't feel right. Although if i had wanted to, i could have easily made it about him. But there was something else, some kind of other memory that tugged at me, almost begged me to reach down deep and rediscover a memory from myself.
And then it hit me as i crossed a deserted northwestern ave.
It was when scott and i had gone to the lake almost four years ago. We had gone up there to drop off fire wood. And he asked me, "So do you want to go out on the boat, or just chill on it here at shore?" And we went out on that lake, and we layed down with our heads next to each others, looking and the stars and learning all about one another. Brandon was supposed to have been there, but he never answered his phone. Scott and i were still about strangers, but we talked about a whole scope of things, and we found so many things that we had in common... i was in love with him that night.
I had always just wanted someone i could talk to, that i could feel something from.
It's hard to explain. It's not traits, looks, or those things that people always talk about being attracted to another individual. It's a light. It's something that you can't define, can't be indecisive about. When you know a person, and really feel that connection, it's like a light. It burns from the inside of that other person and illuminates the dark, that you can't take your eyes off, and the thought of that light leaving your world, would be like taking away the sun, you don't know how you would survive... you couldn't.
He had a light in him.
Tonight, i was wearing the same jacket, the same moist air that was just a slight chill. Like a chilly summers night, over the water. It smelled like the lake.
I smiled to myself for a moment. And was sad for a moment too.
Nights like tonight i like to refer to as ghost nights.
There are so many memories locked away inside of us, because they have to be locked away, or because we treasure them so much, and on particularly still nights, that feel like so many summer night past, you are surrounded by half memories. You could almost swear that they feel real again. There are the memories of the nights that hang around you like ghosts.
I went at sat underneath the bell tower for a few moments and just thought.
There was no one else around on campus. I was utterly alone in a spot that in just another 8 hours will be a bustle of paths crossing and uncrossing, students hustling to class, professors going to lunch, students taking campus tours...
Walking on a ground that thousands, if not millions of pairs of feet have walked before you, and to be so alone in the midst of it all.
I love nights like tonight.
As melancholy as i may feel in a moment, they are the times that remind me that i am alive, and i have live a life that has left me with so many stories, so many memories, and so many wonderfully interesting people...

i KnOw yOU caN't See, i LoOk StRonG aLL togeTHer, thOuGh inSiDe i'M WeAK....

I want to know the point when you get over someone.
There are always those stupid math equations that people have invented to tell you how long it should take you to break up with someone, based on the amount of time that you have been dating, but where is that little gem of a scientific discovery for the really important things. The things that come after.
I am most interested in this, because in a faint effort to move on, I find myself only falling deeper in. Not really getting past them at all. But I continue to try every day. I am fine when I keep myself busy, but when i stop, and try and clear my mind of anything that i had been thinking about, it always ends up going back to them. I wonder how i was brainwashed into this type of life style, and am trying to brainwash myself back to normal.
I know that it is possible to get over this heartache. This isn't even as bad as when i dated scott. That was really tough shit that i had to get through. He hurt me so bad... i never thought i was ever going to be okay again. And, somehow, i always believed that we would somehow get back together, that he loved me... that in the end, it would be us.
Of course, that was a long time ago, when i was much more naive without any thought to what the real world would have in store for all that fantasy i had cooked up. And the thing is that i have no idea when exactly it was that i didn't care about scott that way anymore. I told everyone else that i was very much over him, i didn't even think about him anymore. But the truth was that i was still curious about him, wondering what he was doing, how he was feeling, and a small piece of me still wanted to love him and have him love me in return.
But here i am now, i don't check his facebook hardly at all. Only when i am really bored, and it's the same way that i click from facebook to facebook with all my other friends. I can see him write to his girlfriend and genuinely feel happy for him. I'm glad to see that his life isn't filled with heartache anymore, the way that i had most selfishly wanted it to be for him hurting me like that.
So, now that i find myself in heartache again, when is it going to end?
I don't believe there is a magical calculation, I don't think there is anything that i will be able to equate that will tell me that i don't feel like this anymore.
It's not a sharp pain that keeps me from living my daily life, i find joy in my day. It's not a nagging of curiostiy either, the way that scott had been on my mind in that last months of waiting. It's a dull kind of pain, having to know that he is happy out there with someone who is not me, someone who is so not like me, that i am confused how he could say that he liked me at all. To say that he really really liked me.
He had questioned whether or not i was toying with him, and now i can't help but wonder if he is toying with me too....
I always say that becoming friends with someone before you start getting romantically involved with them is important. Unfortunately, the onel flaw with that theory is that attraction is instant. It is not something that starts to come after finding out what that person is like. It can make that attraction far stronger, or if they turn out to be big assholes, it can even make what you thought was attractive, not so. But physical attraction is immediate. It is the maker and breaker of all relationships.
I was immediately attracted to brant. I flirted instantly, because it is my nature to flirt, it is the way that i communicate, and because i thought he was cute. As i grew to know him better, it only increased the way that i felt about him. I got very comfortable with him as a part of my life. Talking to him, generally just being around him. I would tell myself that I didn't like him, in effort to perserve the friendship and because i didn't want to be in a relationship, because i generally don't like the idea of cutting off all of my other options.
And the thing is, that that is exactly what i did with scott. I hid how i felt about him, told him that i liked him, very openly, and while scott did not have a girlfriend, he also turned me down. Saying that we could be friends.
But i could not make it work. I could not hide how i felt about him, and while i did have some meaningless encounters with others, he was always at the heart, the thing i couldn't forget.
I don't want history to repeat itself in this way. I don't want to that again... i feel like it wasted my sophomore into junior year... which it would do again.
Something i guess i would like to say is that, you don't get over someone that you loved, not completely until you are heart broken again. And when i say completely i mean, wondering about the what if's, always questioning whether they were the one, when you two might get together, thinking that there could be a future.
i don't want to wonder anymore.

So ThiS iS thE NEW YeAr.... aND i don'T fEeL aNy diFFerEnT

Hello Everyone,
welcome to 2009. I want to say that this year is going to be different for all of us. I just don't know that this would be a truthful statement.
There is so much that i want to say, i just don't know that it will all come out right.
It's like one of those moments where there are a hundred things buzzing around your head and it's hard to make one lucid fact come to the surface. Too much just all wants to come out at once.
So, I began this post on a few days ago, and here i am a few days later, and perhaps a few days smarter.
Actually, the most wonderful thing seemed to happen in the past week or so, yes, i know, it has been a week since i began this post. And before i tell you the wonderful thing that has happened to me, i want to give you a frame of mind, and perhaps an explanation of what might have been going through my head during the beginning of this.
And the start of this new year, i had such conflicting emotions. I know, who would have thought? Me and conflict? But, okay, we are going to use some bold words, bear with me. I was heartbroken. I mean, pretty much most of december i spent in a funk of what am i going to do with my life? Who do i really want to be when i "grow up"? I hated my major, i let the whole semester go to hell the last few weeks, i performed the worst i ever had, and the worst thing was, i had given up.
This didn't make any sense to me. I had always been the person that fought through, the one that constantly advocated for the fight, to never give up and i had gone against my one and basic principal that kinda of made me who i am. That in itself was devastation.
Brant, someone i didn't even express any interest towards, i loved. And was seriously going to take that to a different level in which i have been terrified to take. And as i was about to come out with that little revelation, he announces that he has a girlfriend and i am blindsided. I don't want to think that my thought process was just that he would always be there for me when i was ready, but honestly, maybe i did. And when that fell away, i didn't know what to think about it.
There was that, part of my downfall. I was very emotionally torn apart by it. Not just the fact that Brant wasn't there any more, but because i was, and still am, very proud and didn't want to admit that it really hurt me that much. And after the incredibly foolish things that i did and said to him before we went on break, haunted me. I kept replaying them over and over, and saw how i was very effectively tearing apart our friendship.
Then break began and I watched all of how i met your mother. Something, that while watching it, i felt a deep emotional connection to Brant. This was something that he loved, and i started loving it too. It only solidified in my mind that we were extremely compatible with each other. But, i made that story of how i met your mother, into a story about me, and how it related to me, how it basically told my story of searching for love, although, i only use the parts that fit, and i ignore all of the parts that seem a bit off. Which, is just so characteristically me. You will see this later in this post. But i wanted himym to be the story of my life. I wanted to believe that Brant was my Robin, and even if we both couldn't see it yet, we would be together because we were so good with one another.
And while i say these things about the show, it is not the only reason that i enjoyed that show, i believe that it is made so that you can related it to your life. That there is a message that deep down most people feel, and it's that everyone wants to be in love. So many little things that Ted experiences along the way, everyone in their life experiences. And when i saw this man fighting for love, not wanting to be alone, i somehow attributed that to Brant. I built him up. I tried to explain thoughts that I have only theorized about him with this show, using Ted as his reason, making him seem better than he maybe. While i read all shows on this level, finding the things that people seem to watch for, that fantasy wish that they all want to believe in, even of themselves, not everyone does that. And he probably enjoys that show on it's most superficial level. It is a funny show where people have very catchy and hilarious catchphrases that everyone can mimic the next day, it's a mystery just waiting to find that person, that is his kids mother. He has never given me reason to believe that he enjoys this show for any other reason that those. Which is not the perfect person for me. But of course, this all just came to me in reflection of the past few days, at the time, this was one of the connections that i felt i could have with him that his new girlfriend simply couldn't.
I talked to him over break, but had to hold back all of the things i really wanted to say. I wanted him very badly, and it was hurting me. I thought about him so much, it was disturbing. And the thing that is most sadistic about this, is i didn't want him to think this, so even when i knew he was online, and i wanted to talk, i would not im him. Foolishness. Childishness too. Games, that got me into this whole mess anyway.
Talking to him felt right, felt comforting, and i would look forward to those few hours every few days, not knowing when they would be again. That went on for a while.
New Years came, and went, and i don't really think anything changed. I talked to heidi and david until 6 the next morning and only solidified further how much we were alike, the great conversations that we can have, and how all of our different knowledge compliments one another so well. They are a part of my life forever because of that, and it's something that i say with certainty. It's something we all can just mutually feel.
Following new years, i continued about my life, just trying to get by, do things as i normally would. I went out with friends, work buddies, and spent a lot of time just with my family. Making myself try and feel something else in my life was working out. I had many moments of happiness over break, but when i was alone, i coulnd't help my thoughts drifting to Brant.
And then, right before I left, literally two days before coming back to Purdue, i realized, it didn't mean the end of the world. I looked at pictures of him and just thought... no. Not for me. I love him dearly, but only as my friend. And i missed that. I was not attracted to him, not as he was. Something that he probably used to mean to me... something that is foreign to me now.
I went to T-bell that night with David, and for the first time, in the longest time we both had this vigor for life, this epiphany had fallen on both of us and we want to be better.
This is what the great change came from. I want to be a better person. Everything will come to me in time, and for now, i believe that the only way that i can be is a better person. And i want to be better in every sense of that word. I want to be nicer, i want to work harder, i want to be smarter, i want to understand more, i want to take out of my life the things that bring me down, i want to surround myself with the people that care about me, can converse with me, can be there for me as much as i am there for them.
It was a touching moment for David and i. And we were finally free and could actually feel it.
I came back to Purdue and lived the days before class with some of my new perspective. Being here again was strange, it had only been a few weeks, felt like i hadn't been gone long at all, but it feels so long now. I want the sidewalks and it's just so... old.
I am trying more so now that school started to live by my new creed. It helps that i think i might actually enjoy all of my courses this semester... though true, one of them is one that i despised last semester. But, the way that Prof. Beauodin is teaching, i can really sink my teeth into it. Chemistry had come alive for me in a way it didn't last semester. I am on top of my game, and yes i know it is only the second day, who wouldn't still be on top of their shit, most people haven't even had all of their classes yet, but I want this. I want to be a Chem E again, more maybe than ever before. And for the first time it's not because i don't know what else i would switch to, not because i am afraid to start all over with a different major, which yes, were things i thought about last semester. I want to be a ChE because i love it. I love the cirriculum, i see the necessity for the caluclations, the bigger picture.
I want to make connections with my professors, i want them to know my names, i want to feel apart of the department i major in, i want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd!
I have a home at the oasis, and i love it there.
I love David, Heidi, and Evan that sometimes my heart aches that I can't be with them. But i am comforted in the fact that we are eternal, and i don't worry that right now, life has separated us by distance, but not from eachothers thoughts.
I know this is cliche, and maybe saying that sounds cliche, but i don't care because i know that in life there is a plan. There is a reason for everything, and everything happens for a reason. My life, is my life because that is the way that it needs to be. And when things happen for me, they will happen when they are ready. I don't need it all today, and i don't need it all tomorrow. I just need to be, and be happy to be.
I believe in God, for the lack of a more concise meaning, and i know that is a huge statement for me. Higher power, some over riding existance, it's there and it will put me where i need to be. And i can be mad, and i can be upset because those are the human emotion, we can't just walk around farting sunshine out of our asses. But, even with these emotions, at the heart of me, I am happy. I am at peace.
Today i sat on the couch with kenzie and paul, after going to class with them and officially making them a part of one of my greatest passions on campus watching scrubs.
Elliot and JD finally got back together. For real this time i believe. And the thing that was keeping them apart was what other might think, and that was squashed by Dr. Kelso, who just said, forget everyone else and what they think, just do what makes you happy.
And i look at their relationship over the past 8 TV years, and it has been a turbulent one. We have seen many ups and downs, seen them with many different people, and while yes, i know, it is just a TV show and writers have the power to make the happy ending, but i believe that it will happen. Perhaps with someone i know, or someone i might meet in the near future.
Sitting on the couch after that classic TV moment I felt so happy. From the inside out. I am exactly where i need to be. So comfortable in my station at the moment. Sitting there with my Organic, reading, looking up some things for my ChE class with paul and kenzie on the other couch, both so into what they were doing, it felt like home. I could have stayed there and enjoyed that moment for a good long while. I wonder if sometimes i enjoy their company too much, and then i just shake my head and tell myself no, they are the best things i have here. And there is a reason for them too. They too make me grow and stretch and be the better that what i am. And true, they also test me on that at times too.
My life is so full of life, people, that stretch and continue to grow. People that aren't even here, that I just met this past semester. Matt, I miss him from my life, my bestie of ChE. I can't wait to see him again. I love our conversations, and I hope he is someone that I can hold on to in my life.
And i want to meet so many more people. And i am going to try. Really try.
People have left my life, and i know that is with reason, and i by that same token, i take comfort in knowing others will enter for an equally important purpose.
Peace is a good look for me. It's an even better feeling.
So, this is the new year, and at first, i didn't feel any different. Because that was just man made years ending. And now my year has ended, buy by no clock or man made time cut, but my own. So here is my my new year, and I feel completely different.