aRe YoU saTisFiED, do YOU haVe soMEonE beSide yoU wHen yOU EmBaRK? iF noT...
You know i thought that letting go would be easier than this. So to make a long story short, Brandon does not have my ring. I simply didn't bring it up and didn't give it to him. I thought quietly and took a nap today, and no. I am not giving it to him till the day he leaves. It may sound stupid, but i might not be able to imagine my hand without it on there. It kind of defines what my hand is to me. But, i like the idea of redefining myself. Even if it may only be my hand.
You know, i have been constantly listening to "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie for the past week. I can't imagine myself listening to anything else. And the car doesn't count. I only have that as background sound so i don't think too loudly. Whenever I am at home and have all of this music at my disposal to hear whatever it is that i want, i choose this song. I don't want anything else. I tried to listen to Neutral Milk and Arcade Fire, but all it did was give me this pit in my stomach and i felt bad, not because the music was bad, it was because it was painful to listen to anything but death cab, it just doesn't feel right. Not right now anyway. There was also a time when i couldn't listen to anything but Iron And Wine, I grew out of that. But i don't know. Right now, that song has been with me through everything. I listen to it and i know that everything is going to be okay again and at the same time, I am reminded of sad things, and that is okay too. Brandon asked me yesterday what was it that made me love the song so much. And that is like trying to ask why you fall in love with the person that you do. There are little things that you could try and say to rationalize it to everyone else who doesn't seem to get it. "They have a good sense of humor, they listen well, thier eyes are beautiful, he says so many things that i completely agree with, ect." But the point is, that that has nothing to do with love. Love is a feeling that you get and you can't explain it, you just know it is right. There is no explanation that does love justice and i am not going to be another person who fails at trying to. But that is why i love that song so much. Because it is love to me.
Last night, I did something I do all the time. It was an observation. I don't know how to explain it. But i was sitting with brandon and the feeling that is gave me i was just sick to my stomach. I even said that out loud. And the only thing that i could say to express my disgust was, and i still think this is the best way to describe it, i wanted to throw up a baby. After saying this, it ended in much laughter ect. It was an amazing time.
I got a big new sketch book and some charcoal, pastels, watercolors, and sharpes to work with. I am really happy with the things that i have done so far. I got all of these fabulous things at Hobby Lobby and i did not realize the awesomeness of that place before. It just so much cool crap in there. I could seriously get lost in there for hours going up and down the isles and have no problem with the world. But alas, i only was lost for an hour or two while i picked up the things i needed. Charcoal has to be my favorite medium and i love everything i have done with it. The pastels.. eh, Brandon liked it and the explanation of the painting he could really understand and get behind. He said that was the thing that made it the most beautiful besides that i "mixed the colors well" oh well. Not really enjoying that too much. The water color was very nice, and the sharpes i just need to work with. I am well on my way to covering the walls. Well on my way...
I think that we are the most memorable when we aren't trying to be remembered. We get the most recognition when we aren't trying to be recognized. We say the most profound things that strike the right chord when we aren't trying to be profound or get to the person. I think that should be the way that life is always. And maybe if we weren't such ambitious creatures we could affect peoples life so much more. This could be for the better or for the worst so perhaps it is better this way. Less people get hurt, but less people are also helped. Double edged sword. Which side do you think would get used more?
The other day when i was coming home in the car with my brother and my mom, my brother out of no where says, "I am gonna sue all of your friends from purdue" and i asked him why. He said it was becuase they were the reason i didn't want to be a doctor anymore and why i wasn't going to be. I told him to shut up and not to talk about things he had no idea about. My mom got pissed and took my brothers side. She told me that she does blame all of the people i met this summer for ruining my vision. I had such drive to be a pediatrician for so long and now all of a sudden it was gone. And she blames them for some unknown reason. No one has affected me as much as these people have, but that has nothing to do with me wanting to be a pediatrician or not wanting to be one. I think driving home and having to defend my friends and give her some kind of explanation, because i could tell that she was not going to rest until i had done so, I realized it was simply because i was scared. I want to do something that interests me and i want to do something that i am good at. I am good at math and i am interested in physics and sciences, chemistry and all of the good geeky stuff that just doesn't seem very "me". And pediatrics maybe be something that i could be very successful in and love, but i don't know that for sure. And I just don't want to go to school for four of six or eight years of college and realize that this is not the career that i want. I don't love this, i am not even that good at this. I am scared to death. I would be completely broke from school and then what would i do? My mom said that i would just work in that field until i had things paid off and that i could go back to school and become something else if i wanted to. That would bring me up to my mid twenties and i still would have no direction in my life. Or i could take the direction that i feel it right and be ahead of the game. I don't know what to do as stupid as that may sound even though the decision should be obvious. She also just about came out and told me that my dad and her would not pay for any kind of schooling at purdue. I would "be going there for the wrong reasons". I never thought that they were going to pay for my schooling at all, so this really doesn't affect me, but it does kind of hurt that i won't have their support. She told me that she is not as upset about being not the pediatrician as she is about the fact that i had a direction and now i don't. I was her hope and i let her down. No one should have to deal with that kind of pressure.....
I wish that I didn't have to ask this favor upon scott. I felt bad about it and as the days pass i fear that he will look on it as a burden. Just the way that he gets nervous and asks about the location of the ring and the anticipation of recieving it. I feel like he is buckling down for the hurricane. I don't expect him to want to do this, i don't know who would want to take care of and make sure they don't loose a ring for a dear friend, but i don't want him to do this if it really just doesn't feel right to him. Because this is really too much of an important thing to have him half heartedly do. I have tried to make this point clear and i think i have, i just hope that he is doing this for all the right reasons.
Intereting days.. they pass so fast. I'm too tired to think of how, but it doesn't make any sense any more. If there was a way to come down to purdue i think i would. If my car could make it, i would go down just for the day. I don't think i could handle nights spent there. Don't ask me why, but a few hours would do. And that would be all i want. If i could just have this one thing, i know that life would be better. It would magically work out and there would be that happy ending that everyone deserves. Let me take off this glass slipper because it is time to go to bed. Please, remember me, fondly.
You know, i have been constantly listening to "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie for the past week. I can't imagine myself listening to anything else. And the car doesn't count. I only have that as background sound so i don't think too loudly. Whenever I am at home and have all of this music at my disposal to hear whatever it is that i want, i choose this song. I don't want anything else. I tried to listen to Neutral Milk and Arcade Fire, but all it did was give me this pit in my stomach and i felt bad, not because the music was bad, it was because it was painful to listen to anything but death cab, it just doesn't feel right. Not right now anyway. There was also a time when i couldn't listen to anything but Iron And Wine, I grew out of that. But i don't know. Right now, that song has been with me through everything. I listen to it and i know that everything is going to be okay again and at the same time, I am reminded of sad things, and that is okay too. Brandon asked me yesterday what was it that made me love the song so much. And that is like trying to ask why you fall in love with the person that you do. There are little things that you could try and say to rationalize it to everyone else who doesn't seem to get it. "They have a good sense of humor, they listen well, thier eyes are beautiful, he says so many things that i completely agree with, ect." But the point is, that that has nothing to do with love. Love is a feeling that you get and you can't explain it, you just know it is right. There is no explanation that does love justice and i am not going to be another person who fails at trying to. But that is why i love that song so much. Because it is love to me.
Last night, I did something I do all the time. It was an observation. I don't know how to explain it. But i was sitting with brandon and the feeling that is gave me i was just sick to my stomach. I even said that out loud. And the only thing that i could say to express my disgust was, and i still think this is the best way to describe it, i wanted to throw up a baby. After saying this, it ended in much laughter ect. It was an amazing time.
I got a big new sketch book and some charcoal, pastels, watercolors, and sharpes to work with. I am really happy with the things that i have done so far. I got all of these fabulous things at Hobby Lobby and i did not realize the awesomeness of that place before. It just so much cool crap in there. I could seriously get lost in there for hours going up and down the isles and have no problem with the world. But alas, i only was lost for an hour or two while i picked up the things i needed. Charcoal has to be my favorite medium and i love everything i have done with it. The pastels.. eh, Brandon liked it and the explanation of the painting he could really understand and get behind. He said that was the thing that made it the most beautiful besides that i "mixed the colors well" oh well. Not really enjoying that too much. The water color was very nice, and the sharpes i just need to work with. I am well on my way to covering the walls. Well on my way...
I think that we are the most memorable when we aren't trying to be remembered. We get the most recognition when we aren't trying to be recognized. We say the most profound things that strike the right chord when we aren't trying to be profound or get to the person. I think that should be the way that life is always. And maybe if we weren't such ambitious creatures we could affect peoples life so much more. This could be for the better or for the worst so perhaps it is better this way. Less people get hurt, but less people are also helped. Double edged sword. Which side do you think would get used more?
The other day when i was coming home in the car with my brother and my mom, my brother out of no where says, "I am gonna sue all of your friends from purdue" and i asked him why. He said it was becuase they were the reason i didn't want to be a doctor anymore and why i wasn't going to be. I told him to shut up and not to talk about things he had no idea about. My mom got pissed and took my brothers side. She told me that she does blame all of the people i met this summer for ruining my vision. I had such drive to be a pediatrician for so long and now all of a sudden it was gone. And she blames them for some unknown reason. No one has affected me as much as these people have, but that has nothing to do with me wanting to be a pediatrician or not wanting to be one. I think driving home and having to defend my friends and give her some kind of explanation, because i could tell that she was not going to rest until i had done so, I realized it was simply because i was scared. I want to do something that interests me and i want to do something that i am good at. I am good at math and i am interested in physics and sciences, chemistry and all of the good geeky stuff that just doesn't seem very "me". And pediatrics maybe be something that i could be very successful in and love, but i don't know that for sure. And I just don't want to go to school for four of six or eight years of college and realize that this is not the career that i want. I don't love this, i am not even that good at this. I am scared to death. I would be completely broke from school and then what would i do? My mom said that i would just work in that field until i had things paid off and that i could go back to school and become something else if i wanted to. That would bring me up to my mid twenties and i still would have no direction in my life. Or i could take the direction that i feel it right and be ahead of the game. I don't know what to do as stupid as that may sound even though the decision should be obvious. She also just about came out and told me that my dad and her would not pay for any kind of schooling at purdue. I would "be going there for the wrong reasons". I never thought that they were going to pay for my schooling at all, so this really doesn't affect me, but it does kind of hurt that i won't have their support. She told me that she is not as upset about being not the pediatrician as she is about the fact that i had a direction and now i don't. I was her hope and i let her down. No one should have to deal with that kind of pressure.....
I wish that I didn't have to ask this favor upon scott. I felt bad about it and as the days pass i fear that he will look on it as a burden. Just the way that he gets nervous and asks about the location of the ring and the anticipation of recieving it. I feel like he is buckling down for the hurricane. I don't expect him to want to do this, i don't know who would want to take care of and make sure they don't loose a ring for a dear friend, but i don't want him to do this if it really just doesn't feel right to him. Because this is really too much of an important thing to have him half heartedly do. I have tried to make this point clear and i think i have, i just hope that he is doing this for all the right reasons.
Intereting days.. they pass so fast. I'm too tired to think of how, but it doesn't make any sense any more. If there was a way to come down to purdue i think i would. If my car could make it, i would go down just for the day. I don't think i could handle nights spent there. Don't ask me why, but a few hours would do. And that would be all i want. If i could just have this one thing, i know that life would be better. It would magically work out and there would be that happy ending that everyone deserves. Let me take off this glass slipper because it is time to go to bed. Please, remember me, fondly.
posted by chelC | 11:39 PM
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