FiLLed wiTh HoPE, fiLLeD WitH sORroW (CHeck the dAte anD time)

Last night, yes i felt my full potential. I saw for the the first time in a long time, my life and everything in it. I was abel identify the things i need, and the things that i don't, the emotions i have to feel and the ones that i want to. I doesn't matter anymore. Nothing and everything matters at the same time. Nothing matters, all the petty bullshit all the lies, all the deciet all of the false promises and all of the crushed dreams. It means nothing in the great scheme of things. And everything matters, the time that aligns, all of the things that can happen, how fate is a mysterious force and we are not in control of our destiny. And that fact, that we aren't really in full control of our destiny, is the thing that makes most people dismiss the entire idea of fate. And if you think about it, it really is a scary thought. No matter what i do, i am ending up here. Every little thing aligns... every minute has to be in perfect synchronization to pull off some kind of miracle, or some kind of tragedy. Fate, it has to exist. I can't explain my life any other way and nor do i want to try. Everything matter and nothing at all.
I never really put this together or really admited it to myself because in all actuality i didn't want to believe it. I still don't. But, chad, his accident. If he had been made to close down one more machine, if he had spilled something and had to stay and clean it up, if his boss would have let him go home early, there are a million and one things that i can think of that would have changed everything. That would have made him not die. It was all hanging on a split second. So fast, we couldn't see it pass us. Everything happend for a reason. I don't believe it was just shit luck and the car came out and killed him... no... no. I can't ever think it was all at chance, because there was that chance that he could have survived. But my beloved is not alive. He was meant to die. And that hurts more than you can imagine. That he was never supposed to be mine for always, especially when he said he would. I know he is in a better place. I know that where he is he feels no pain. I know that he is at peace. I just can feel it. When you have that kind of connection, you just know... I hate that i still love him, and i hate that he had to die and i hate that i don't know the reason. And i still love him. Tell me now you don't believe in fate. Tell me now that everything doesn't happen for a reason, even if that reason may never be known. Tell me that my chad is not in heaven right now. I feel him, he is forever, and i love him, forever and always.
I have changed so much. I see point A and i see point B and i see the progress i have made between the two. This time the division has a more defined line. During this summer i had a point A and a point B but they are so hard to find. Last night i remembered all the things that i had realized in my epiphany that i had last spring. While my life is turbulant and i will never feel a final resovle until i take my last breath in this world, i know that life is good. I can change my life whenever i want to. There is nothing that holds me to standards i have to meet if i don't want to. I am free, and i never really understood that before. My life hasn't even really begun yet and already i let it get to me. I want to live a more simple life. I don't need the intracies of all that i have been offered. I have a ring on my finger and for now, that will do.
I can't think about anything else about Chad, and when i try, i only worry. Two months does not a lifetime make. Even the people you think you know best, you never know what mask it is that they are wearing. Did i even know them? Why did things go this way. It's okay to question, i know that. But then sometimes you have to stop questioning ang start making decisions. I know that it is going to be hurtful and it isn't what i want to admit, but i know that it is the right thing that i have to do. I can't have this negativity anymore, i can't have this bearing down on my life. I can't help anymore, i'm not allowed. I don't know that i ever helped in the first place. But i know now, i am not needed. That hurts more than words can express, but i have to start telling the truth. It does me no good to lie to myself. Perhaps oneday... but even then, i know that it is only wishful thinking... it makes letting go that much easier...
Life hurts, and it only gets worse and worse, or seems that way. While I am facing the hard truths, it still doesn't take away from the fact that i am living. I will not remain in the past, i will not kill myself over what if's. It simply does not matter anymore. It will not affect me anymore. I am despondent to that negative aspect of thinking. I refuse to let that fire consume my heart and integrity. I will mourn, i will hurt, i will feel pain, but i will feel it not by my own doing. I will not cut myself to see it bleed. I will not lie, i will not blame, I am my own girl. I have an angel in heaven and a belief in my heart with a ring on my finger, and that is all that i need.....