doN't yOU feEd ME LiES ABouT sOmE ideALisTic fUtuRe

you know it won't heal right if you keep tearing out the suchers.
Nothing Better. Something about that song just makes me... wow. Everything about it. The words, the music, just the package deal. Of all the songs on that album, might i say that that perhaps may be my favorite track. It might be the back and forth between the girl and the boy. He just says all the right things, but the beautiful thing is that the girl has the right things to say back. I rarely get that feeling in any other song. It's always one person bringing the argument and the other simply complying or, they are completely closed off and stick to their decision but bring no argument to the table. This represents both sides and you are rooting for both of them. Yes I want him to convince her and get her back, but at the same time the problem or the mistake that he has made that they keep hinting at but never give an explanation of, makes me want her to not fall for him again. The way that the song ends, i think that is perfect. No trailing off. He starts the song, she ends it. Best words of the entire song have to be those that come from the girl which are as read above. Damn, just try and fight that. That and the fact that those words are covered and yet uncovered by the boy saying "tell me am i right?" in reguards to some fantasy that he wants to live out. Totally oblivious to what the girl is trying to say. Just a perfect track and is it ironic that in my thoughts the best track is also the shortest on the entire album? Hmmm. Think about that for a while please.
I have decided to do some major renovation to the old life of mine. It's coming into fall and there are a few things i should do before the winter sets in. I am going to clean out all the shit from my room. Time to detach myself from all of the little things that i keep hidden in my closet. True i may have memories with them, I have to get rid of the little knick-knacks that are taking up all my space. It's just the shit that I am never going to use and have prolly forgotten to why i hold on to it. Small awards, notebooks, papers, just a million things that should have been gone long ago. I'm too attached. I have to free up a little bit. And that's just with my room. I think I might try and not talk to my parents as much. This is not because i am mad at them for not letting me go down to purdue ever, but because whenever i talk to them, they make me feel horrible about my life. If I don't each that much, I must be anorexic, if i eat what they tell me too and I gain weight, "Why don't you take better care of yourself? You're such a pretty girl, if only you were a little thinner..." I am never doing enough to further myself in my academics and i am spending too much time with my friends. Then if i crack down and focus on my studies i am a anti-social freak and need to find some people to hang out with. I can't tell you the countless times since everyone has left they told me to forget about them because they were at college and were already out there finding new friends and it wouldn't be long before they forgot about me. "Don't hold on to the idea of them coming home to see you because, in reality, they have other friends to see and parents to visit while they are at home." Direct quotes seem to hurt the most. I know i shouldn't believe anything they tell me. But, try and compare it to brainwashing. If you keep drilling this negative idea into someone's head it can't be too long before they start to believe it. True that most of this comes from my mom, but the combination of them is just god awful. So, if you think that my idea of not talking to my parents as much is not justified or isn't the right thing to do, tell me. Perhaps i'll reconsider, but right now, i am very resigned to the fact it would keep me sane. I guess that maybe i should start running again. Practice my yoga like i haven't done in a very long time. Stop eating out because it costs so much money and causes the fatness to increase, ect. I've been kinda of ignoring the physical because i am so attached to the mental. The mind games the crazy thoughts, which are my favorite part of every person, the one thing that no matter the distance can still be expressed by phone or internet of letter or any other medium, the physical is the thing that allows my thought to be carried around and holds all these thoughts. I should take better care of it if i want it to take me all the places i want to go. This means getting more sleep. Mmmm, or at least i will work on that. Obvious one is my school load. I have been a little slacking at the beginning of the year, but I find a genuine interest in all of my classes, or i wouldn't be taking them, and i want to make them better than anything else. I think that i could. It's just time to do my homework, I blame the internet on this a little, but also because i was spending hours getting my CD collection in order. Everything is ready, quiet on the set, she begins trying now. I picked up my guitar for the first time in forever the other day. Completely out of tune, but easily fixed. I think she could use a new set of strings, but i found my pick and started strumming away. I forgot how much i sucked, but how much i enjoy every minute of it. So, there. I want to work on my music talent. Broaden my range, zero in on my style and be better. It may seem like a lot that i want to do, but please understand it's something that I have to. I hope you forgive me if you felt like i was becoming detatched in the past couple of weeks because, i guess that maybe i have. We'll just see how long this changed mind last, i'm hoping that it will tide me over for a long while. I need some direction. I think this might be just enough to keep me walking straight.
I got my yearbook the other day, i went through all of it in homeroom with two of my friends. I showed them all of the people that i had met, they showed me all of their good friends. I forgot how many people i had known from the graduating class and am just happy that now i have photographic proof that i know who they are. That and the mere fact that now i have an actual colour picture and if ever i forget what they look like and some how can't stop picturing them as Nathan Gropp, i can pop open the old yearbook and say, "yes, that's them and oh there they are, damn i have some fine lookin friends." I got a lot of that while going through it with the two people in homeroom. Yes, don't get a big head you guys, just cause you can take a good picture. Funny i have a million pictures in my head and the yearbook will never be able to compare to them, but they are a comfort. Don't ask me how, don't ask me why. I don't have the answer, i just have the feeling. And I love it.
Lauren shut down her site this past week. It's over now. No more no more. She gave some reasoning that made me very upset. I wanted to fight her on the issue of keeping it open and then i realized, it is because everything that she said was absolutely true. In essence she is the better person and has the right idea about everything, except turkey because i don't believe that they can read english. I can't think of any of her exat words at the moment, but i do remember her saying that they just cause a lot of problems, and with that i concur. So, this made me think, why do i continually write on this. Sharing almost all of my thoughts, the most private held back. What do i really get out of it? If i simply wanted to tell the people what is going on in my life i can talk to them, write them a letter, instant message. So why do we hint at things through generalizations and only want people to worry about if we are reffering to them becuase any way that you say something it can apply to another's life. So why? Why do i keep writing the nothings of my life for people to rifle through time and time again? And then i thought about why i read other people's blogs, xanga's, ect. Because i learn about them. Because if i am missing them and how they are, their writing gives me at least a small sense of who they are and what they are to me. And if i don't get the chance to talk to them, i can still know what is going on in their life. The purpose of these is the same as the purpose of the rest of the internet, to gain knowledge that you didn't have before. Knowledge is power, and sometimes power can get out of hand, but that doesn't mean people are going to stop seeking power. So i am adding to the power, adding to the addiction. Do i feel terribly bad about it? Not really? Will it come back to bite me in the ass, most assuredly. So a toast to you laruen for being able to be strong enough to pull away from this bullshit and realize something that is really true, but know that i have my reasons for writing here. There is a reason to have these blogs, this knowledge. It's just hidden very deep....
A very good song makes us connect it's words to things that are happening in our own life. That's why i think everyone's musical taste is different. It's what we are looking for in music that defines who we are. Those who don't want to think and want to loose themself for a while choose loud music and jump around without purpose. Those who want to segregate themselves further and are afriad to admit what they really feel listen to rap and take strength from those people's "hard earned privilaged" lives. It's all about what you feel and what you want. Is it any surprise that best friends share the same musical taste? Is that not just saying that you both have the same ideas on life? And when you say that you are still going to be friends with someone despite their musical taste, you know that you are lying to yourself and will never be as good friends on as many levels as those who you do share that common bond. This is why the first question i have begun to ask people that i meet is not where are you from? what's your favorite kind of food? What do you do for fun? It's what do you listen to? Whose your favorite band? You'll learn more about a person that way than anything else i have thought of thus far. My favorite song by The Postal Service is Nothing Better. What does that tell you? Don't you feed me lies about some idealistic future, you know it won't heal right if you keep tearing out the suchers.....