TeaRinG DoWN piCtuReS aNd puTTinG uP PAinTinGs

I went around my room today and all of the pictures of friends that i had scattered on the walls and on my dresser in no fashion whatsoever i ripped down. It seemed trite to keep them around. Some of those people i have not talked to since the 8th grade and I don't even know them anymore. Why did i keep them around? Maybe I was holding on to the idea of my past. My innoscence was in those pictures. To a time when no one had any problems so big that i could not handle them and people came to me for advice. I was stronger then and not nearly as damaged as i am now. I looked at those pictures and realized what a false sense of security i had. How deep i thought i could, and how now, i really had no idea what was going on. The world of mine has expanded and i have to accept it. I ripped them down with such... i scared myself a little. It was very much time. And so was shed the last instance of my innoscence..... I decicded to put up some of the drawings i did this past year and i must admit, some of them i truly like. I think that i am going to do a lot more of them and just cover my walls. No more legolas poster, no more kiddie photos, i feel like a grown up. For once in my life... If you can't tell, i guess i am a little hardend. I don't have a lot of emotion left inside of me. I have expressed so much of it this past week, really since wednesday, that there is nothing left. I can't explain this feeling very well, but as i see this as a documentation of my life and write this for no one but myself to look back on in my own time, fuck what other people think. The people who you think should be there and understand you in your time of need, fuck you over. Make you feel the worst that you could ever feel. And what is the reason? They simply didn't understand. They were supposed to be your comfort, they were supposed to care about your feelings and they didn't. In your moment of need, they couldnt deal and left you. And now, i suppose, i fear abandonment just a little more than i ever have before. "The damage has been done." And as i was told sorry like i guess i thought i deserved, i couldn't grasp the meaning of the word. I was told, i am truly sorry, more than you can ever know." so i tried to go further into the thought of sorry than i ever had before. What exactly does sorry mean, and i could come up with nothing. Because i suppose that the word has lost all meaning for me. I have been told sorry so many times... i don't know what truly being sorry is. I understand that it means they feel bad, but bad about what. Bad about their actions, or sorry that i feel the way i do, or sorry about another thing that i have no idea about because i do not understand what it means to be sorry. That might be becuase all of the emotion really is gone. I can't explain what this is. Just, empty, and even empty you can feel. So try and take it as you will and know that you will never be able to understand. Why is it that the simplest of words can set you off. Not in a temper sort of way, but just hit you in just the right spot that you cry? And i am too proud to admit that i am crying, or maybe i am just too proud to cry in front of someone. You know, not teared up, out and out crying from pure emotion. And maybe this is the reason i think i am all out of emotion anymore, i have just cried all of it away. And when i start to cry, i don't know why i am. I just... i don't understand myself anymore. And i don't want people to think that i am depressed and that i don't have fun, because at school, i have fun. It's just that i don't understand myself. I am allowed. I am growing and i don't know everything even though i wish that i did. So when i cry i just take it for face value, i am sad. But i am not sad. Maybe, and this is me thinking out loud here, i am unwilling to give up on the past, and it is my feeble attempt to hold on when i know that i can't anymore. I feel that i have come to the end of the road and can't get past this point. I am afraid to trust. To share your deepest thoughts and your past means to trust someone. I am able to trust, and perhaps this is too willingly. I have never been truly burned. I am able to do damage control when i see that someone is going to let me down. This time, i got blindsided. And because i was not able to protect myself, i am cut very deep. It shouldn't hurt this much, but there is nothing i can do. It was no my choice, it was not my words, it was not my actions. I want more than anything to pretend that it did not happen and i wasn't disappointed, but somehow i can't. Trust may mean true thoughts and feelings, but it is supposed to be a two way street, which i just know it isn't. To trust also means to be able to laugh with one another and that is something i fear i will never be able to do again. I am giving Chad's ring away. Not forever, just for a while. I was never able to get andy kind of closure from all of this. It was a very open ended situation and i never was able to heal. I am completely covered in open wounds and the constant reminder of how much he meant to me is not doing anything to help me. I can't have that with me all the time. I need someone to be taking care of it. I can't just stick it in a drawer and wait. I need it to be free for a while and see the sunshine in a different place so that i can see the sunshine here. I need it to leave town and leave me alone until i can look at it and only smile. I have decided the destination and the person in to which it has been entrusted. I would most assuredly give it to brandon, but i would still see it and the leaving town is very important to me. This is in no way a trust thing, this is not a test, this is me being selfish. Asking something very big of someone. And the only thing i can do is let go, believe that everything will be okay and that time will pass with purpose. I don't know what is going to happen now. I don't know which direction i am going. I just wish people would stop looking at words and automatically reading them as fact. Yes i want someone to get off a plane and kiss me. (sarcasim) I won't lie, it might be great in the ideal world to have some one who would be worth the whole surprise of wow a kiss, but this world is anything but ideal. The whole purpose was that someone was showing change. Doing something they never would have done before their life changed and how they prolly wouldn't get off the plane because they refuse to change, which is where some pride comes in to play. But no, i don't want to kiss you, you know who you are, and actually, at the time that i wrote that, you couldn't have been more wrong if you tried. Actually i just kind of wanted to hit you... It hurts to grow up. This knowledge of disappointment i could have lived without. Now i only fear what is going to happen next. I am afraid of what we do now. And never does this line seem to make any less sene the more that i use it. It is strangely appropriate for my life, What do we do? What do we do?