Neutral Decembria

Middle of the afternoon, a casual monday. Unfortunately, so casual that it seems there is nothing left to do. I could read and finish my summer reading that is breathing down my neck, but something makes me very much not want to do that. It would be nice to just get it over with.... alright after the post i am going to finish it. It's time. School starts in a week and i have to get on with it. If i don't, i never will. Then i will be royally fucked to start my year and i really don't want it to happen like that. The other night when I went to steak n' shake with dan, imagine my surprise when david and libby and becca walked in! I was genuinely happy to see them but then noticed that they did nEveryone had left for college. The exception being dan. And he will be gone in no less than a week. It's a sad thing. But not really. I don't know how to decribe it because i think that i am going back to school with ten times the knowledge and drive than i have ever had before. I am brimming with self confidence and at the same time i am missing everyone who left. I just know i am going to be walking around a corner in school and expect to see one of them walk past me and give them a casual hello. This i know will never happen. I will miss the fishbowl and everyone meeting there after school to chat before going to their respective houses or jobs. I'll miss the routine and the routes that i took, going to chem and seeing ian pass in the hallway who walked with ben even though at the time i didn' t know him, seeing brandon on my way to choir at the end of the day and seeing ruby and walking with her to her chem and then to my music theory. I guess it's just a time of change and I will be able to get over it... maybe... ot look in my general direction. Not only that, they didn't seem to want to acknowledge my existence period. I don't blame them and that is only my interprutation. Perhaps they didn't want to intrude on the conversation me and dan were having or something like that, but i was still a little let down. It was the thing i was the most afraid of. Going back to school and having everyone shun me. And have no friends and walk around in a state of almost non existence. This is a very rash statement and completely ridiculous but... who have i talked to still going to penn this entire summer? It's entirely my fault and oh well. I didn't want to give up any time i spent with anyone that i did. It was too good of a time to have a thing like thinking about not having friends in the future to dampen it. But seeing as how they are gone now, these thoughts kinda crept in. Of course, luckily for me, i went to steak n' shake last night and i saw david there with his senior friends, and stephanie and sara with their different group of friends. I talked to stephanie and realized how much i missed her and decided to go over to davids table and talk to him. It's a beautiful thing how we slip right back into the niches we have always had. Talking to him came quickly and easily and I was so happy. I saw he had been doing the same thing i had over the summer, spending a lot of time with his friends who were leaving and I can't wait to see him and everyone else at school. It is not impossible to live in two completely different worlds. My heart is split in two. One half lives here in highschool and the other is down at purdue and IU. You could say that my heart is broken, or you could say that i am just sharing the love. I prefer to think the latter. Now, after a long summer and a lot of new music being introduced to me and some just becoming more aquainted with, I can't help but listen to certain songs and thing of places and goods times and there are other in which I listen to anything by a certain artist and i think of a specific person. For my own benefit of remembering years and years from now i will wirte these songs and artists down. Whenever I Hear "Such Great Heights" as sung by Sam Beam I think of floating around in brandon's pool half freezing with dan playing it on his guitar and watching the expanse of stars soar over my head. In my mind they are probably more brilliant than they actually were. When I listen to "Here's To the Night" by Eve 6 I think of driving in brandon's car coming home from michigan and sticking my head out the window to see the moon. I hear "Aeroplane Over the Sea" and I think of scott playing it on dan's guitar in brandon's backyard. That and also driving home from saying good bye to scott before he left for college. Which is probably the reason anytime I hear any Neautral Milk Hotel I think of scott. And time I listen to the Decemberists I think of Dan. And when I hear Claudio Sanchez and the rest of Coheed & Cambria I think of Ian. I don't know why exactly these few just pop out at me, but they do. And I smile and think upon it and am a better person inside. So to an end I give you. Know I am thinking of you fondly whomever it is that you are. Because i my heart you will always remain. And try not to think me selfish if I also wish to have you in my arms a little while too.....