quEstiOninG EvERythiNg wHen i sHouLD OnLy QuEstiOn mE

Just sitting here listening to some bright eyes that i am burning along with a lot of other good selections from that of dan stevenson because he is leaving and it would truly be a waste to let all of this beautiful music waste away from me. I had to take a break from all of my summer reading. I have been working very hard and am actually ahead of schedule. So there;s that going for me. But it this is also a chance to let all of my thoughts drain so that I can focus again... Drawing conclusions about the summer, i have decided it was long. It doesn't feel like a few months have passed. I have lost all concept of time and the spacial reality of one occurance to the next. It seem that the summer was more like a year. Maybe it was because so much change came about in it. Or because of all the anger and then the making up and the joy and hours of time just spent in eachothers company. Even towards the end it didn't speed up. At points we said "the time has just flown by and now its over" but this is completely untrue. It was long and beautiful and it will never be over. In all this time of change can you really blame a person for questioning everything around them? I am starting to feel the ground come back to my feet after floating around somewhere in space this summer. So I question how good a friends i was with some people. Looking back to see how many times it was that i was able to make people laugh and how i was never able to make some laugh. It seems that i only brought down peoples spirits and make them more depressed. Which has me wondering if i am truly depressed at heart. Is all that I have for life such misery and will i spend all of my time being negative and making other people hurt with me? Lauren had brought this up when we had our screaming match. She told me that i was in such beautiful spirits when there were a lot of people around but when it got down to just me and her i would get fearfully depressed and made her worry about me because i have nothing to be so depressed about. I have a good life and an able mind blah blah blah. Maybe I am just mad because I think that life should not be so sticky. I want more of the black and white. There is too much gray and so many different shades that I can't make heads or tails of it right now. This really doesn't have anything to do with change. Life has always been like this and I am just trying to blame it on something. I always try and balme my feelings on something else. I am trying to get over this or am rebounding from this and a million different excuses. I wonder when it is that I will face the problem and realize this is how i am. I can't understand everything and never will and the fact that i try and try to reason my way through life only hurts my cause. :*in an honest side note i am deathly worried that i am not intellectually sound enough to be friends with those who have left for college.... well some. I think that they can see right through me and know how much of a fake i am that i am not nearly as smart as i seem to be. Better to keep my mouth shut and be thought of as a quiet and just thinker than to open my mouth and have it realized i am but a fool.*: I don't know what brought about this change of heart or opening my eyes to what i really am and i don't want to try and justify it. There is no reason as to why i should. Now I am listening to Coldplay Parachutes and i understand as to why Dan thinks this is their best album. It's more true and caring than that of a rush of blood to the head. A more brutal kind of honesty that deals more with people and emotions than time and events. And i love people more than time and places. Another random thought that stirs in my head and has to be more truth is that i want to try and take care of people to hide my own ability to take care of myself. In my last attempt for self pity I try and keep this a secret. I found this notebook of mine the other day and it was from the past year i wrote in it all of my poems and thoughtful words. And i look back and see how smart i think that i was and how troubled i was. I was always one step away from total happiness or complete failure and going crazy. It was a veritable purgatory in which i think i left a good piece of me behind. I got confused by life and maybe forgot how to be very well happy and forget about the bad things for a while. Some may say this is having knowledge and not ignorance but would stupidity really be better? This is something i don't know and will not claim to know. I am done trying to claim that i am better or smarter or wiser. I don't know shit and am giving up on trying. I don't want to know the secrets of the cosmos. The only think i want to understand it people. If all of my life i could just understand people even a miniscule more than i do now, i would die in a peace that i could create for myself. This is such a pathetic post indeed. Full of look at me i am sad whine whine whine. So don't bother reading it. Here's the warning. But i'll put it at the end. Smart people know to begin at the end so they are sure that if they should die half way through they still know how the story ends. And just the same ever good write knows to write the last words first so that it will always have a conclusion. Unfortunately for me i have no conclusion. No last bit of information to say that i have learned anything or that this post has done good to better my life. All that I know it that I don't know. Is that something? It will have to do for now. To all of you lovlied who read this trifle of a thing called blog I know you and love you very much. Best friends as you wouldn't believe. And to each of you know that this summer has been the best of my life. Assured there will be times that will take the top spot and this will fall among the ranks. But sixteen years is a short while to have something that could be much better. So for now, this will be the thing to look back on and cherish. Becuase it seems like a good idea at the time... To Dan: You are the most talented musician i have the fortune of calling my dear friend. Someday you will be more amazing than you already are and it will be like looking at the sun, almost too much. You have such a gift for literature and can most definately pick a good book from a bad one. Same way with music, tremendous taste. I don't want to give away all how amazing you are cause i have to have something left for that letter.. and i don't want all the women to gang up on you at once. To Ian: It has been a tumultuous summer and i don't think that we ever had a fair chance. You are a rare person and have such a talent for hacking and computers that i never believed was possible. At least not possible being only five miles away from my front door. I apologize for getting you in trouble and having you miss out on those last days that you were here. Seeing you made my days better and thinking about you always made wherever i was better. I have a feeling that looking foreward to seeing you each month will be the thing that keeps my spirits high even when life seemingly sucks. You may not like coldplay but at 1:52 of Warning Sign from a rush of blood to the head is the absolute truth. To Brandon: Time goes on. I've put you through a lot and for that i apologize. But i cannot apologize anymore. Someday everything will be alright. When? I am not sure. But no I don't regret this summer. No matter what i say, know that i loved every minute and that i wouldn't change any moment for the world. Nor can i. i mean we started an amazing trend. Who before thought of steak n' shake at two in the morning? You are a good person. Always will be and i know that for a fact. It will be a good year. One of change i am sure. To Scott: I am sorry to question your friendship. I can't explain myself. Just to say that I am sorry. I have learned so much from you and I loved all of the times that I have ever been in your presence. You exude such an energy that makes me unable to stop smiling and then there is the part of you that broods and breaks my heart. Through good and bad remember that you are a friend to me and always will be. I will never be able to fully explain how how and what you are to me because if i could i would have all the answers to the universe. Pink clouds is a masterpiece. I still stand by what i said on that couch outside ians house on the sixth so long ago. Do you remember? I knew it then and i know it now. To All: I love you. I never dreamt to meet people like you and can't understand how i have been graced by your lives. Through all the shit, i never stopped being thankful. Not matter how much more i have to go through, at the end i know that i will still be thankful. Forver doesn't mean that long these days, but for me, your shall be considered my friends until the day i die and long past then. Until the world ceases to be and perhaps into a time that another earth begins. My forever is eternity which is always. Love Forever And Always, Chelsea