cRYing woN't hELp

I hate men... I say this as I talk to two of my best guy friends. So what I want not to say is that I hate men, but I hate the way they make me feel. I am always lost and can never find my ground with them around. It is a rollercoaster ride of emotions with them and I am always thrown off. Killed while doing another loop the loop. It seems that nothing I can do is right. I hate this town and falling for boy after boy when what I really need is someone with a beautiful heart that I know I can love. On the outside it seems so simple but in here, it sucks. I see the person I want to be with and I can't for the life of me figure out why? I don't want to fix him do I? Maybe I just feel like I understand what he is feeling and everything I see him say I have said a million times before. I am so pissed and I am in that mood where it's kinda like, what do I have to lose? I want to scream and tell him how I have felt for how long I have felt it, but I can't. For some god awful reason I hold back... And I hate myself. I hate men for making me feel this way and putting me in this position and making em cry and making me confused and not understanding anything that is happening. I just know i am going to wake up in the morning and realize that I should have done something. Like I will regret my life and the chances I never took. Seize the day? How the hell do you propose I do that when I am having seizures? I hate this town. This life! I want out. I want not to like him anymore. I want not to feel this way. I want to stop waiting... I hate waiting. He is so right for me... I know it. I just can't make him see and I don't want to try. I want trust to just be there. I want to fall back into that relationship mode that I have had a million times before. I want to be the firsts and I want to be the last and I know that I will end up finishing last... I want to throw up.. I want to cry.. I want to stop talking and not have to ever again... I just wish that I knew what I wanted and how to get exactly what it is that I want. Even crying doesn't help. I feel like I dodged a bullit, a close call, but that call shall come again and I don't want to walk around seeing what I fear inside. This late monday has cost me my good mood and my idea that life has it's funny way of working out. Because it hasn't. It has stabbed me in the back and & I feel the knife twisting deeper leaving the scars of a 16 year old girl who feels like she is 31. I wonder if the people or rather person out there who is making me cry has any idea. The answer is most definately no, but how does thet feel. I can't imagine some man out there going through horrible heartache for me and me being completely oblivious. Do people all over the world feel the way I do right now?