KeEpinG seCRets Of SilencE

God it has been one very long weekend but a very good one at that. First of all on thursday I went over to ians house and there was a very good little party going on. I enjoyed myself thuroughly. Ben go tback in town and it was very nice to see him. He really is a good kid and very funny/interesting/new, a change to say the least. And a very welcomed change at that. But i think that the guest list included me scott brandon for a short while ben of course ian and hannah actually. It was a very very very good time and hannah did a good job taking care of all of us. She is one of the coolest little sisters i have ever met. So there was that. After much walking around and not sleeping the morning came and scott left for work. Brandon came back to the house and went to the bank with me to get money and ben had meagen come get him. So me and ian and brandon went to see the dukes of hazard and it was good. Ian fell asleep at his house and we left for the day. I slept all of the next day trying to rest up because we were going to do the same thing on saturday. So i slept all day. It was the anniversary of chad and i had a tough time dealing with it. That and early the morning of the anniversary of his death scott tried to tell me that there was no such thing as true love. big mistake. a very touchy subject at the touchiest time of the month for me. I was told i got very violent with him the night i was with him and then at my house at two in the morning he stirred it up again. I know he must have forgotten and there have to be a lot of things on his mind as he leaves for college and all of the people he will not see for a while and the past creeping up on him as always... i still was hust and mad at the things he said about love though. And me not being able to explain myslef only made me more upset. But after thinking about it for a long time i have what i want to say.... You can't just say that true love isn't real. Or that love is horrible beacause it causes jealousy and all the other things. Just because you had a bad expirience with it doesn't mean that it is all bad nad worng and killing the world. And why do i believe in true love? How can i prove it's existance? I can't and that is you whole point. But one of your points is also that it depends on your point of reference. I have to believe that there is one true person i belong with out there. They are looking for me and i am looking for them and when i find them i will know. Why you ask? Because i need something to believe in. I need something to keep me going everyday. If i didn't i would have given up on life a long time ago. You talk about how you believe the world is a big fluke and the way that our lives are completely meaningless and we don't even matter. So why do you not believe in true love? Simply your point of reference. The same way that i believe in true love. It's my point of reference. So congratulations scott, you were absolutely correct. It's all your point of reference. Going back to last night which was a serious night indeed. Things were going about the same except that brandon was going to stay the entire night and scott was not coming until later. Other than that, oh and bucky was going to show up for a while. So blah blah blah.... everyone finally arrives. And as it was the night before i wa very comfortalbe with ian. I have feelings for him. I've said it before and i'll say it again, hasn;t changed. But brandon was very touchy. To the point that i was uncomfortable. This all comes to a head while we are outside smoking hookah and he is rubbing his foot on me while i am sitting on the couch with ian. I am very comfortable with him mind you. I guess i left and there were things said... i don't know you can read his blog for that but i then decide to go to bed. I sleep in the loft a little and bucky comes upstairs and talks to me about what i can't remember. We go downstairs a while and i go to ians bed and brandon gets in it. I didn't want him to. Then ben jumps in. Ian too we lay there for a minute and decide to find our own sleeping quaters. I call the loft and ben and brandon stay in ians bed. But ben did offer to sleep on the floor like a real gentleman. Ian is about to sleep on the couch down stairs and i offer the bed in the loft to him. So he and i sleep in the loft. It was a very comfortable and good time. I must say one of the highlights of the summer. And i don't care who knows. I will remember that for a very long time and it was peaceful.... and that is all. P.s. today was weird and scott showed up at five in the morning. We went to church and had a good time. I laughed a lot. We had luch at the max and erma's which sound slike taxidermist and that we spent the rest of the day at casa de dill. I love that house. And i like all of the kick ass memories i wil have from it. But i guess i am not allowed to talk about a lot of my realy feelings for those who know how i already feel about them because it is fairly pointless. They will just reamain a secret. Useless. I'm so done... god damn... four day now... i will miss them like you won't believe.