60 hOuRs aNd rUNninG oUT

Not sleeping for hours somehow helps you come closer to the clarity we are so desperately searching for.I have been up for 60 hours on end now. Last night was a long night, but very good. It was eleven when i told brandon i was bored. It was midnight when he came and got me from my house and it was five thirty when I returned, after some very good conversation and many cups of coffee later. I must say I had a good time. Much better that staying at home and sleeping anyday... So I learned that not everyone is so much different after all. In fact we are all quite the same. And I did learn a lot about brandon's friends, and I guess they are my friends too although they seem far to cool for me at times. Most times... I still haven't figured out exactly what it is that is so appealing about talking to me. Actually my dad asked me this when I was talking to him about going on a road trip with them. "What do 18 year old boys want to hang out with you, a 16 year old girl anyway?" Honestly, I didn't have an answer and I am still trying to figure it out. But what I really wanted to say was, I learned a lot. There is so much history there and it is very hard to piece together. I feel like I have a much better understanding now. About this thinking now... very hard to understand anything these days. It's a big jumble and I am trying to make out the words to say. I can't say the wrong thing anymore because i am just starting to understand how powerful my words really are and how much of an impact my actions have. My love for people is now more wispery and fading, trying to not make it seem like too much, but my hatred and anger is more intense. Something about it just feels like it has to be handled more delicately. Maybe I am just seeing to world more cleary, kinda for what it's worth. And I suppose that that helps especially with my current situation. Speaking of situations.... Lauren will prolly not be coming to Brandon's get-to-gehter tomorrow. And there is no reason... well there is her reasoning, Ian doesn't like doug and isn't afraid to me honest about it, she doesn't like how "mean" that is, and if doug can't come, neither can she.... BLAH. I wish she would just come. I wish she could leave poor Douggy at home just this once. You know they don't allow puppies everywhere.... And that was mean, like I said, hatred is powerful. I think that I might have a little to do with why she won't come too. I mean ever since I aligned against doug (I have tried to be nice and make peace "for the sake of Lauren" but something just won't let me do that. He tries too hard and I feel bad about it, but I cannot take it anymore.. it nags at me...) things just haven't been right between me and Lauren. I want to hangout with her, and sometimes (most the times) that means without doug... but that never seems to happen so we just never see eachother. It's a block between us and it is pushing me further and further away... and it's not just me, it other friends too.... I worry that she is going to miss out on some of the best things about highschool because she is entirely too serious with doug and won't allow herself any time with JUST her friends.... other than that, sounds like a good party. Happy to go and have good times for all... hmmm... so much to thinking to. You know, when you think for hours on end, you come closer to an idea, hence all that time... but when you go sleep it seems almost like you lost you way a little and it's hard to pick it up again... but when you are up for long periods of time you know like.... 60 hours straight you figure out a lot more than you ever thought you could. And I would be lying if i said I didn't learn a lot. Not only about other people, but myself too... something is crazy about me... and i might have just put my finger on it... but i can;t stay up for another couple hours to figure it out cause i simply won't make it... pity, and i was so close... But in closing, tonight i went to michigan with my family for dinner and we ended up near St. Joe i think at this great little restaurant "Schu's" i like it, we've been before, and tonight there was live entertainment. It was this guy and a girl. They both played guitar and the girl also played flute and tamborine. They were seriously the best live entertainment ever at Schu's. I loved it. And the first thing I said was, "Man... Dan and Brandon would really like this." "Acoustic Thing" playing every thursday night at Schu's. Good music... good music. Night all, it was a pleasure and a privilage and yea.. a bitchfest, but what you gonna do?.... listen patiently, that's what.