heRe's a ToAst tO aLL tHosE whO hEAr Me aLL tOo WeLL

It's noon now. Middle of the day. I'm sure I could have written something charged and full of emotion last night... But last night. I would have regretted it. I kept going back and forth and confusing people, and i feel bad about it, but honestly, how the hell was i supposed to react? If i was supposed to be graceful under the pressure of the moment, someone should have told me. I was hit with too much all at once. I am a creature of habit and things changed entirely too much for me last night. I will tell you about it. But first i have to go back a little. So it was a very long time that i liked ian. Brandon knew. I think that ian knew. I don't know how he couldn't have. And in the moment of being very close to having something... i noticed a change. I don't know if it was him, or if it was me but something or someone changed and i removed myself from the situation. And after months of him being there in the back of my mind and getting butterflies when he was around, it just stopped. I will never feel for him again the way that i had, but i don't regret liking him. It was a time in my life. I wish that he would have realized it earlier, but i could wish things all day and it won't make them change. That was only a week or so ago so already a huge change. Brandon, he has liked me since... God very very long. If you didn't know that, you have to be blind. I ask him periodically if he has gotten over me. He never does. He knows how i feel about him because everytime i tell him. It does not make any difference. It hurts me to know that he will always like me and i really wish that he wouldn't. Again i could wish all day. I just want him to move on. No matter which direction i move i hurt him. If i find someone else, he is hurt, if i lie to myself and try things with him, he is hurt. I know it doesn't help that i continually fall for those who are his friends. And not just friends, his best inner circle of loved friends. I am a horrible horrible person which brings me to my next point. Scott. From the moment i heard him speak i knew that he was special. I didn't feel anything for him like that. But i did have an uncanny connection with him. I trusted him without question. I still do. Brandon of course was his best friend. Shared everything, talked about me, so i hear. And i loved him. Now as i say this, which conclusion do you jump to? That i have fallen madly in love with him and i want to date him? Or do i just love him as a good friend? Because the instance that i am speaking of telling someone that i loved him, i loved him the way that i love brandon and dan. Amazing people i don't understand completely and happy that i don't. Their mystery of understanding is captivating and i LOVE them. But someone obviously thought the other. Didn't even think to ask.... Time progressed and eventually i started having feelings for scott. And that brings me to another point. I went to Michigan with Scott and Brandon yesterday. I was sitting on the deck with brandon and i turned to him and asked him what i had so many times before. "Do you still like me?" He nodded. I looked at scott on the beach and then i looked at the sunset. I asked him "Why?" and he didn't have an answer. Something about me being the person i am. At this moment i realized i was in a situation. And more than one. Brandon will like me, maybe forever, and i will never feel the same. Second, I not only liked his friend this time, i liked his best friend. One that was not only special to him, but also to me. Brandon knew i liked scott, he even claimed that scott knew. I hated the spot i was in, cause either way.... this brings me to yesterday. So i woke up and there was a message on my phone and messages on my xanga and i read them and i was happy. Genuinely made my day better. And it is always those little things that make the biggest difference in someone's demeanor for the rest of the day. So scott was going to come over and talk to me. There were somethings i had to know, totally unrelated to me liking him at all. I was excited to see a friend. I got home from work and talked to brandon. Something was different about him and i still can't put my finger on it. I said "if only i were a year younger..." and he came right back with "if only" "always thinking about what if..." and he went away. I was unsettled. Shaken up a little. I got offline immediately. I couldn't be there anymore. I can't remember if it was then that i sent a message and scott came the way a good friend should. But it was sometime... He came over and talked to me on my deck for hours. There were so many things that we discussed. And one thing in particular, that i would rather not reveal, it just struck me. And in that moment i wanted to kiss him. No holds barred. I really wanted to. But i restrained myself because i know how he feels about a lot of things that directly relate to kissing and things come from kissing. And i also thought about the position i would be putting him in. Not only risking one of the most beautiful friendships i have ever had the pleasure of being a part of, but putting him between two best friends, not knowing whether he would feel the same and be awkward if it wasn't so, and so many other feelings that i can't express. I also didn't want to hurt brandon. And i held it in all night. And i was prepared to hold it in for the next 27 days until they left and then the temptation would be gone... but not forgotten. I told him that I would never give up on love. (it was a topic of conversation. like i said, i never revealed any feelings i had towards him. but we discussed things that would have.) and that with chad i knew at the beginning of the summer, at the beginning of the relationship i knew that i was not going ot stay. I would leave him forever and instead of closing myself off i fell madly and completely in love. and i don't regret one second i had with him because everyday that i spent with him was the happiest day of my life. Sometimes the seemingly wrong choice is actually the right one. And if you try not to get hurt you might be hurting yourself the most. Because even those who fall in love and know that they have little time still have the remembrance of love. And that is something that keeps me going everyday. If i hadn't had that, i might have given up ages ago. So i still believe in love, and i still believe this feeling i have in the pit of my stomach. And no matter how hard i try to forget them, i never will. So Scott left. I never kissed him. I gave him a hug goodbye. And then i got online. I don't know how long i was there before i started to tell brandon what i had been thinking about and how maybe not seeing him for a while might be a good choice. I just couldn't try and not talk about the thing that we were both thinking. And then it clicked. Somewhere in scott it clicked. And then he realized the situation that i had put him in. I can't tell you how much i wish that things were different. That brandon had never liked me. That he had never told scott how he felt about me. That i had met scott on my own and that maybe i would have had a chance. I said things. Mean things, confusing things, but both of them were on me at the same time and like i said a long time ago, i didn't handle the pressure well. I confused the hell out of scott and probably pissed him off. And even had the notion that we couldn't be friends anymore. I yelled at brandon and i wouldn't be surprised if he has lost all trust with me. As he rightly should. If he hated me, i know this would be easier. More clean cut. They left and i was alone. And i was lonely. And i was mad at myself and i was mad at brandon and i was mad at scott. I wanted to hurt someone. I wanted to have someone feel as bad and confused as i did in that moment. and then i fell asleep. I had horrible dreams. I had beautiful dreams. A lot of them dealt with scott and i was the most happy i had ever been. But in the end of them all, i lost him. He was killed or i couldn't find him, i feared for his life and i had to leave him. there were a million different ways and i knew then that i couldn't lost him. Even as a friend. I lost him so many times... and everytime hurt the worst. It just got worse and worse and then i couldn't sleep anymore. My dad came in and asked me to do him a favor by driving the new car. I did. I played no music, it was complete silence. I felt like i had been through hell. Still dazed by my dreams and still wishing things were different in the most half hearted way ever. It's hard to hurt and i do. I can't even say its them anymore, now it has to be just me. There are so many things that happened. And driving in that car, i felt alone. I felt a lot of hope had been lost and i felt empty. Maybe that is why i can write this entire fucking story that should be really painful and i know has to strike a nerve with some. I sat at the gas station and looked at the road. I saw scott drive by. It wasn't my imagination. I saw him and i couldn't cry. I couldn't do anything. He just passed me by. Just passed me by. And i came home and have been laying in my bed listening to one song over and over again. "Here's to the night" And everything in that song i feel. Everything in this moment makes that song the truest thing ever. Listen to it. Eve 6. Try and understand where i am, and then know how much that song is me.
So denied so I lied are you the now or never kind
In a day and a day love I'm gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing to be had are you cool with just tonight
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the nights we felt aliveHere's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye Tomorrow's gonna come too soon
Put your name on the line along with place and time
Wanna stay not to go I wanna ditch the logical
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye Tomorrow's gonna come too soon
All my time is froze in motion
Can't I stay an hour or two or more
Don't let me let you go
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye Tomorrow's gonna come too soon
All I've heard for the past couple of weeks is that i am special. A rare find in this world full of dumbasses and that especially for my age i am amazing. And i can't understand it. I am not that rare. I am not kind. And i will never understand how i could have this much impact on people. I just wish that i wouldn't. But i could wish all day. And it won't change anything. So i'll sit here. The shell of the person i once was because of a night that i regret. I have never had one true regret in my life. But i can say that isn't true anymore. I regret saying those hurtful things. But i know how much sorry just doesn't make the pain any less. I have never found a word more useless than that. And i have never found, nor will i ever, find a word that it more dangerous and powerful than love. Damn love. And still... i will always believe in you.