Believing You'rE foRevEr loVed

So I am in helll. With three l's. I am feeling the most alone ever. I miss human contact. It sucks to be cooped up all day sitting on the couch eating icecream and trying to forget about everything for a while when there isn't even any stimulating conversation to tide me over. And that is the end of my rant. I wrote on the subject a while ago about being able to write what i truly felt on this blog. My memories in a vivid sense and it has now become topic of conversation for other blogs all over the internet (or at least in my circle of friends). Funny, in an akward way. I don't care. Vauge generalizations i guess will always work for me because we we attatch a name, it's personal. It becomes too real. Even when i simply read my name elsewhere i feel conected to the portion. Let alone to have something really personal with my name on it floating about... i guess it just makes things harder... I don't know what i am even saying now, i can't convey my feeling properly in this moment. I don't think i'll try anymore. I'm too good for anyone. That's what I was told this past week. No one deserves me I guess. That is an akward thing to hear only because you don't believe it. I feel that I will never be better than anyone else, but I somehow never want to settle. I have not settled yet, and I never want to. I live in constant fear of it though. The same way that other people live in constant fear of being alone. Which, honestly, I do fear being alone or dying with no one missing me and never having any children but not as much as settling. God, I worry too much. Here i am at 16 and already thinking my life is ruined. It's just the lack of people keeping me sane, I'll be fine by the weekend. I don't know why I feel like mentioning this now, but i do. Don't think of me as another concieted girl because I am nothing like other girls, not at all! But i am strong. And not like I can lift heavy things and arm wrestle you and win, even though i can do things like that, but i am an emotional rock. I always have been the stability for my friends. I was always somehow older and wiser. Maybe not exactly older, but definately wiser. I have answers to problems no one else does, and no matter what is going on in my life, someone elses problems are always more important than mine. Even if I was dying from cancer or someother horrible disease, I wouldn't tell anyone. I couldn't stand the thought of someone worrying about me all the time. And I love my friends to death but I would never tell them. I probably couldn't stand all of the pity i would get as well. I just can't take that crap. I guess that's what makes me think someday I could be a good mother. Even if i was a single mother. I would always have a smile for my kids, no matter how bad things could get. I need people to rely on me. The day I am not needed anymore will be the day I disappear. I have always been the shoulder, the expirience, the story, the confidence, the mom. I love taking care of people. But this same "gift" of understanding makes me think a little too much about things a girl my age shouldn't worry about. I have a better understanding of the world and with this better understanding i am cursed with a better understanding of the world. It also makes me think... I just won't be here that long. Something calls to me and lures me away from the life I am living here. I'm not crazy, i'm not suicidal, I just have this inclination that ... i won't be here. I am destined for bigger and better things than this lifetime can offer. I've already seen so much and lived through it all... i can't imagine there is too much else to expirience. And maybe i will be proved wrong and see a million more things with decades upon decades to go with it. Still in the back of my mind.... but enough of that. I'm the rock. You don't get to really see who i am. You'll see what i show you and be happy... everyone always is. That's what sitting in the house alone with nothing but your thoughts will do to you. People have said such sweet things to me lately I don't know how i will get along without them. Seriously self esteem must be at an all time high. I wonder where that will take me next. This last month of summer is going to be big. A lot is going to change and I am going to be doing part of it. I just have a feeling. Well, I have some writing to finish. It's been a while and life waits for no girl. Character pieces are my specialty. Quite characters they will be indeed. Night all. I miss you all terribly. Time is going by though. Sure enough, time always goes by...