tWo wEekS 'tiLL i sAY i'm SorRy

I am continuing to wake up all by myslef at the weirdest pints of the morning. It is starting to make absolutely no sense to me and I am tired of it. Nine. Why nine? I could look at it as being a strange omen and something ones of these days is actually going to happen at nine. But until that time, i am just going to be pissed that i am not sleeping in to noon. This did however come in handy today because i have to work and turns out i really wanted to take a shower this morning. Disgutsting but, i drooled a lot last night in my sleep. I have not done that for years and years. Why now? So many things are going on. Creepy... Oh, i talked to lauren two days ago. She was really mad at me for calling her a bitch on this site and blaming doug for everything. I understaned that, but what i don't understand is how she got the information. She barely gets online any more. I did post on my xanga that i didn't use it that much and that i like this site a lot more and if you really want to know what's going on in my life hit this one. But that was a lot of posts ago and even if she did get online she woulnd't have time to go through all of them and find it. She said that people have been telling her about it and i swear that she mentioned davids name. And "other people". She said even doug told her she should read some of the stuff i was saying about her. Needless to say we had a screaming match on the phone. God, i haven't done that since.... david in the car at Cedar point. That little tiff has no comparison to the screaming with lauren. She's beeen busy... and some of the things she said really hurt and had me questioning the person i was like none other. "Since you've been hanging out with ian and brandon and all them it seems like you're too good for your other friends. A lot of other people think so too..." that is the thing that got me the most. After I got off the phone with her i couldn't shake that. Because i was scared to death that it was true. I had never felt that, but maybe subconsiencely i thought i was too good for them. I had been told that i was fairly amazing, for my age. I layed in my grass and was so worried it was true. And that i had lost my place with my friends and that it would be a world that i couldn't enter back into. And i thought that all of my other friends were mad at me because i hadn't been there this summer. I was planning on going over to ians, but i was invited to laruens house because david and heidi were coming over. I needed to be there and i really wanted too. But, Lauren called and told me her mom didn't want that many people coming over so i was nixed. She said she still really wanted to see me and was going to call me... yesterday. She never called and we never went to breakfast this morning. I'm still waiting for her call.... So i did get over to ians house and when i walked in i honestly tried to analyze myself being there. Like why i was, how nice they were but how much i wouldn't really miss the ones that were leaving. Thought about all of the pathetic drama i had been going through my head didn't mean anything and how all i wanted to do was leave and go hang out with my friends my own age... I tried to convince myself of this for maybe the first fifteen minutes and quit. Because I am going to miss them, the drama really was useless (so it did help with that), and how i miss my friends but i don't wish i was anywhere else when i am with any mixture of dan, scott, ian, brandon, ryan, ect. I just never will. And i ended up having a good time as always with them. That and the hookah was burning very amazing they had this new method with the tin foil so it doesn't burn your throat at all. Only problem with this is that you don't know when to stop. And we smoked this mint and ian brandon and myself got our asses kicked by the hookah. That was the first time for me. That feeling will be with me always. And i'm sure if dan had been there he would have asked me if i was high. Now here is the good question, could i answer him yes? I don't know... But then i came home and got online that thursday night and i IMed heidi cause i wanted to see how she was and there wre somethings on my mind. And she is always the one that understands me. We have been in the group of best friends for eachother since the fourth grade. We go back a ways. And she and i have this amazingly understanding friendship. When i asked her if she thought that i thought i was too good for them, and she told me honestly a little but that she wouldn't imagine telling me cause it would be blowing this out of proportion. She says that she understands that i need to be with these people and how they are leaving just the way i understand that she has her camp to do because its summer. She always knows how to make me feel so much better. I guess that's what seven years if friendship will do to you. She will always understand me better than anyone. I love having that understanding, i can't imagine my life without her. Here's to you heidi. So, i had to work yesterday and scott, brandon, and dan went up to scotts lake property and they spent the night. I wasn't going to drive up there by myeslf so i didn't end up going. That's okay. I would have loved to go, but things just didn't work out. I know there will be other times. And they will be fun. Mmmm. I have feelings for ian. Two weeks away and they stir up very much. *sigh* Well i am going to be late for work so i am going to leave. I hope that they get back today. I want to have something to do tonight. Until then... watch amelie. She'll change your life....