cLosinG tiME

I want to close this so badly. I can no longer do it the justice that is deserves. I have been thinking about this for a very long time, but i could never find the time to write down everything that i always wanted to. Everything i thought should be out in the open. After tonight i really realize how much i feel like i am trying to fit throught a round hole when i am a square peg. I don't belong there anymore. And when i say there, i mean hanging out with dan and brandon and scott. I can handle them one at a time, but together, i have reverted back to the person i always was. Is it extremely horrible that i can relate better to complete strangers than i can them anymore? Emerson once wrote, "To be great is to be misunderstood." They are great because they are misunderstood, a mystery, and the perplexity has been something that i have been toying with for the longest time. I feel like if here i can't let myself go, then where? So judge me, go ahead, i am tired of censoring my thoughts because i don't want some half retarded look or a glare of utter confusion. Everything that i may say, doauble edged sword. And i want nothing to do with weapons of that kind. I was once a simple human being. Happy going about my everyday life. And then all of a sudden i was shown a new kind of person. One who had deep and scarred heart and i was dazed by the things that he said. He showed me someone who would share his thoughts and feelings even though he didn't really know me and perhaps show me a new life one that actually had some kind of meaning, a past. I was shown a false identity. Someone they perhaps wanted to be and knew they never could, but they had me, hooked line and sinker. I have been reeling for the past three months because of it. I have tried to forget, everything that was said. I want to only remember the times when we were all laughing and then i can't remember what it was about. And i remember not talking. I still don't talk. And i hate being prompted. It's a million things at once and when i try to let them flow right out of me, it only turns into tears. And i can't understand WHY?I have tried to lose myself. If only i could lose myself. Goddamn. School simply isn't enough. I want to go to a different country. I want to run away. I want to go to the University of Hawwii for college. I want to forget about brandon and scott and dan and ian and everyone else that had any kind of effect on my life this summer. And it's only a half hearted wish. I just want to forget all of the time that i had with them that they upset me and i never said anything, the thing about them that always sparked the worst in me, all of the times we fell apart and had to put ourselves back together again, all of the times i had my heart broken and had to look into the eyes of a person i will never love and tell them that, and look into the eyes of the person i always feelings for and know that he will never.... i want the heartache to go away. I said a night ago that i never really had my heart broken and that i don't have a problem trusting people. Well i have had me heart broken, and i shouldn't trust people ever. They only end up making me wish that things were different which is completely ridiculous. That is something i think i should do, stop caring and close myself off. It sounds completely ridiculous but it seems to be working for everyone else. Maybe i'll take up drinking like and forget about my problems that way. Perhaps i will just try and think a little too far about things and look into them too deeply such as things like time travel to get the focus away from the problems in my own life. Maybe even smoking is the ticket. I can die from lung cancer long before my time so it wil only shorten my sentence that i must live in this hell hole of a life. Tonight as scott and brandon were talking about the death of their respective pets and the way that they both had looked into the eyes of their loved one as they died i thought, how should someone have a thought that pure. I don't want to say unattatched because that's not what it was, but they way they just said it. And it was. And will always be. I wanted to die. The idea of being here and not being, somewhere in the middle. I always loved this middle ground. And brandon said, "so i understand" and scott replied, "you always do..." and i wondered... i just thought. And then before i knew it, i was gone. I shook their hands and left. And i went to my car. And i turned on the radio, and i cried. And i cried, and i cried. I stared into the field ahead of my car. And i don't remember seeing anything. i just remember the beat. The bass line. The words, the pain. I will never understand either of them. And i know that neither of them wants me too. It's like playing monkey in the middle and i never even seen the ball that they pass above my head. My aunt told me that they are not smarter than me, just more expirienced. And everyone keeps lying to me. And i don't know what to believe anymore. And it's stupid shit, and i am too trusting. Because whatever i say is truth, i automatically asume that people are returning the favor, but it is not so, and that is incredibly nieve of me, but i don't understand the evil in people anymore. It just doesn't make any sense to me. What's the point? Maybe i show such a disinterest because i am not interested. I laughed with heidi and david today and i felt the most at home that i have ever been in the longest time. They don't hide any of their true feelings about me, but they don't blantantly tell me that i suck. They have an air about them that only make me happy. Ever since i have found myself to reside in this life of ScottBrandonDan i have doubted myself more than in my entire life. It's like i had to come to terms with a whole new kind of reality. The only allusion i can draw to it is the matrix. They are morpheus offering the blue pill or the red pill. And back in july, for whatever reason, i chose the red pill. Now i have to see the way the world really is and know that it sucks, that it's painful, that everything i knew, was not true. And would i really give anything to go back and take that blue pill? I constantly wonder that question. Fuck me for even thinking that. Just write me off. Hating is easier than caring and believe me if i could hate without question... but i guess i am too good of a person. Who understands me? Tell me that, who even wants to? You think that you can decipher me? You can't even decipher yourself. I am tired of making fun of the world and all the people in it. Why is it so hard to talk to people. What made it so hard to put down what i really want to say. I hate this, I knew that things were going to change. And i knew that i would bring them about. I can't stand this life anymore. I can't stand living in this triangle just waiting for the next time that they are going to make a visti home. Don't get attatched. The most wise words i have ever heard in my life. It's great to fantasize about what it could be like to be such great friends, but maybe we never were. Perhaps it is cause i am a girl, brandon tells me that all the time. I just lift out. What keeps me here? Not even myself anymore? The age gap is too much. All of the happiness that they gave me. Everytime i laugh despite myself. Everytime i look them in the eyes, and everytime i can't bring myself to do it. "you always do..." *Love is watching someone die* so who's gonna watch me die? I can feel so good. And then they just have this power over me to bring it crashing down. With one word, one sentence, even silence. Because i never know where i stand? I don't fucking know. I can't fucking care anymore. I can't relate. I just never understand. "You have no idea" no, no i really don't i guess. A year and a half is a long time. Perhaps too long. People come and go, seasons change, people change, people fade. Everyone just needs to have their faith renewed. I don't have that. I don't have the faith. I think i see twinges of it when my hair is tossled or when i have that first hug hello or when i see their eyes light up and a smile spread across their face when they see me. And then the automatic response is, they are leaving me. I dread the time when we say good bye because i don't know when i will see them again and there is always that possibility of never. So i space, i detach, and i have been told that if i get too attatched, it can only make things worse. And guess what, completely true. And after they are gone, i cry that i never held them that extra moment or told them that i loved them and will write them soon, nothing. But i cannot help the way that i am. And i cannot change. It all comes down to my pride and how i never want them to see who i am. I resent them for holding back for whatever reason that might be. So you know what, they won't tell me who they are? Neither will i. It's childish, but what's the point in lying about it. I am childish. I am ridiculous and stupid and i can't help it. So that would have to be one of the biggest things wrong with me, i never want to say good bye and i never want to give in. Pride, pride pride pride. I fucking have it and i fucking hate it. God make me into a bird to i will have wings and be able to fly fly far far away from here. I hate this. I absolutely hate it. Such admiration, such misunderstanding, such mistrust, all created within one mind. "So i understand" and i never will. Never. And that hurts like i can only try and explain. Like someone kissing you and telling you you are beautiful, and that you don't mean anything and that you never will and that you should always keep trying even though it is a lost cause because no one will ever love you and that you believe them and it is only intensified by the fact that you love them with all of your heart and can't imagine someone else being able to look at you in that fashion and that they are completely inept to try and handle your heart and you want to let them try because it is a spirit, a fire from within you that is unexplainable that you throw to them because they have been able to bring out it you what you only thought existed in movies or some alternate universe that wouldn't be understood. The happiest time in my life is sleeping. I am not concious and i can be whatever i want and realize anything for myself and never really be hurt. I want to sleep all the time. I think that is the perfect definition of depression and yet i wouldn't exactly say that i am depressed. I am completely capable of laughter and upbeat thougt. It is only in this moment that i must say goodbye and look at myself long and hard and at all the relationships i have and re-evaluate where it is that my priorities lie. I don't want to die. I don't want to live. I want that third option. And until i find it, it will just have to chose sleep. So i will. I can't ever close this site. It can't be done. It is the thing that haunts me. The thing that makes me smile. It's the mirror that i have to look into and realize what has passed me by and all of the people have shaped me into this deformed creature you see before you know. I will make you hurt, i will make you bleed. I will tear you apart just to prtect myself or try and prove a point or try and figure something out that i simply can't comprehend. Fucking summer. Fucking fucking summer.