Anna, oh anna. Let me be and Let the memories fLow out of me.
It's the craziest thing. I am listening to Anna Nalick right now. And all of these songs i haven't listened to since, god i can't even remember. Sometime in the summer and then all of a sudden it was just phased out. I was listening to different music and she was gone from the atmoshpere. Now, i listen and there is the small familiarity. Like i am on the verge of conjuring up some powerful memory. I feel all of these emotions that are connected to these songs and i can't quite grasp them. Wanting to cry and not being able to. It's like walking into the fog. I trudge on to hit something and i haven't quite realized that the person i am trying to run into has gotten into their car and driven away, but just maybe they are out there looking for me to. I do so hope that this memory will come to me, will run into me. I guess i'll just have to keep listening.
Don't you simply hate it how you don't realize that something is missing until you find it again. I guess that goes with that whole thing of you never know what you have till it's gone. That's a depressing thought though. *Someday we'll all be old and i'll be so damn beautiful*This girl has a way to describe everything thing about me. Damn! It just keeps playing and you can't understand quite what this means because you just simply aren't quite me.
I think this is something that i have to understand and as much as i say it, i'll never be able to realize it. I want to understand everything. That is just the scholar in me, the natural curiousity that springs from my child like view of the world. I am so logically and so illogical at the same time. I am infact one large contradiction. But i think that everything should be so simple. That if i am able to comprehend others than i will somehow be able to comprehend the rest of the world and myself a little more. But, i can't understand other people. It simply will not be done. It also doesn't help that i have grouped myself with some of the most complex minds of the mid west. Some of the most closed off, interesting, heartbroken, stubborn, beautiful minds. And then again, maybe that can tell me something about myself. I enjoy a struggle. I never like the easy defeat. Call it a challenge. And know when to call it quits.
I seriously have been the happiest this week than i have in a long time. It always seems to work out that way. I have the most messed up weeks. I have extreme highs and extreme lows. I never have that comfortable medium or at least i never realize it until it is gone. Maybe those times in my life just suck because nothing ever happens. People call me on the phone and ask me for details and interesting happenings and there simply aren't any. Why did it become so hard to converse. Damn you anna for scratching at the back of my memory. I seriously want to cry but can't. I am so on the verge. Enough to get that bad feeling, but not able to let it out and get that good after feeling. That rush of relief.
I found out from the doctor that my back pain is a direct trigger of stress. Go fucking figure. I don't care anymore. I don't want to care anymore. The only advice he had for me was to get a psychologist. I won't say that's a bad idea, but i guess i never really took it seriously. I don't want to waste that kind of money that a best freind is for. But, maybe i need that kind of non acusatory person. I guess I'll never know. Or at least not until the day that i get one.
Oh, i did find out something really fucking cool today. Okay, after watching this documentary in seminar about the civil war, I have been obsessed with it. So when brandon borrowed it from the library, i took it to watch it. And as i watched it with my father, he pointed out that the middle name of the General of patomac army was brinton. General George Brinton McClellon. And he said that that was a realtion. He wasn't sure how, but it had to be. So i got online and i look. His mother's name, Elizabeth. Click click. Her father's name, John Hill Brinton. Click click again. And there it is. My entire linneage. I am a distant cousin, but none the less a cirect blood realtion to the one and only McClellon. A most prominant figure. True, the reason that the war continued so long and the reason we almost lost the Civil war, but goddamn. Not only that but i am also realted to Richard Nixon. I didn't know and my dad found it a good time to tell me of my past. I thought i was french. Well, i am. I actually have a ton of relatives there. But my brinton name came from there right? Wrong. My great grandfather went to france for the war and fell in love with a beautiful french woman. A very sun also rises thing. But he actually orginated from over here. And he was a descendant of William Brinton Sr. almost god, nine or ten generations down. And William Brinton Sr. came over from i don't know where yet in 1668. That is a mere 48 years after the original landing of the Mayflower! Holy shit is right. I am one of the originals. If ever i thought i belonged here, it would be this moment. And i am actually one of those bitchy aristocratic snobs. Wow, it feels nice. So two prominant men on just my father's father's side, Nixon and McClellon. It makes me happy. I also found that there is another cousin who just died and worked for Nasa his whole life much like my grandfather did for part of it. And my greatgrandfather worked in the University of Deleware during the depression and was actually a very prominant figure. I do love the idea of hundreds of people out there being my family justwaiting to be found. And did i tell you i have a coat of arms? Check it out. Yay for family.
Something is always happening. And i am always finding out something new. For sometimes not feeling as though i belong, this is truly a relief. I fear talking sometimes. I fear saying something wrong. I am a coward. Just like those i am related to. So far away in relation, but i see similarities. So, there you are. There you go. Let me go. I think i might be able to cry now. So i think i shall take advantage of this break in emotion. I love you all. More than you could ever know. goodnight dears. Goodnight Anna. Trying to ... anna. I found it. Oh memories. Yes, the tears can come now.
Don't you simply hate it how you don't realize that something is missing until you find it again. I guess that goes with that whole thing of you never know what you have till it's gone. That's a depressing thought though. *Someday we'll all be old and i'll be so damn beautiful*This girl has a way to describe everything thing about me. Damn! It just keeps playing and you can't understand quite what this means because you just simply aren't quite me.
I think this is something that i have to understand and as much as i say it, i'll never be able to realize it. I want to understand everything. That is just the scholar in me, the natural curiousity that springs from my child like view of the world. I am so logically and so illogical at the same time. I am infact one large contradiction. But i think that everything should be so simple. That if i am able to comprehend others than i will somehow be able to comprehend the rest of the world and myself a little more. But, i can't understand other people. It simply will not be done. It also doesn't help that i have grouped myself with some of the most complex minds of the mid west. Some of the most closed off, interesting, heartbroken, stubborn, beautiful minds. And then again, maybe that can tell me something about myself. I enjoy a struggle. I never like the easy defeat. Call it a challenge. And know when to call it quits.
I seriously have been the happiest this week than i have in a long time. It always seems to work out that way. I have the most messed up weeks. I have extreme highs and extreme lows. I never have that comfortable medium or at least i never realize it until it is gone. Maybe those times in my life just suck because nothing ever happens. People call me on the phone and ask me for details and interesting happenings and there simply aren't any. Why did it become so hard to converse. Damn you anna for scratching at the back of my memory. I seriously want to cry but can't. I am so on the verge. Enough to get that bad feeling, but not able to let it out and get that good after feeling. That rush of relief.
I found out from the doctor that my back pain is a direct trigger of stress. Go fucking figure. I don't care anymore. I don't want to care anymore. The only advice he had for me was to get a psychologist. I won't say that's a bad idea, but i guess i never really took it seriously. I don't want to waste that kind of money that a best freind is for. But, maybe i need that kind of non acusatory person. I guess I'll never know. Or at least not until the day that i get one.
Oh, i did find out something really fucking cool today. Okay, after watching this documentary in seminar about the civil war, I have been obsessed with it. So when brandon borrowed it from the library, i took it to watch it. And as i watched it with my father, he pointed out that the middle name of the General of patomac army was brinton. General George Brinton McClellon. And he said that that was a realtion. He wasn't sure how, but it had to be. So i got online and i look. His mother's name, Elizabeth. Click click. Her father's name, John Hill Brinton. Click click again. And there it is. My entire linneage. I am a distant cousin, but none the less a cirect blood realtion to the one and only McClellon. A most prominant figure. True, the reason that the war continued so long and the reason we almost lost the Civil war, but goddamn. Not only that but i am also realted to Richard Nixon. I didn't know and my dad found it a good time to tell me of my past. I thought i was french. Well, i am. I actually have a ton of relatives there. But my brinton name came from there right? Wrong. My great grandfather went to france for the war and fell in love with a beautiful french woman. A very sun also rises thing. But he actually orginated from over here. And he was a descendant of William Brinton Sr. almost god, nine or ten generations down. And William Brinton Sr. came over from i don't know where yet in 1668. That is a mere 48 years after the original landing of the Mayflower! Holy shit is right. I am one of the originals. If ever i thought i belonged here, it would be this moment. And i am actually one of those bitchy aristocratic snobs. Wow, it feels nice. So two prominant men on just my father's father's side, Nixon and McClellon. It makes me happy. I also found that there is another cousin who just died and worked for Nasa his whole life much like my grandfather did for part of it. And my greatgrandfather worked in the University of Deleware during the depression and was actually a very prominant figure. I do love the idea of hundreds of people out there being my family justwaiting to be found. And did i tell you i have a coat of arms? Check it out. Yay for family.
Something is always happening. And i am always finding out something new. For sometimes not feeling as though i belong, this is truly a relief. I fear talking sometimes. I fear saying something wrong. I am a coward. Just like those i am related to. So far away in relation, but i see similarities. So, there you are. There you go. Let me go. I think i might be able to cry now. So i think i shall take advantage of this break in emotion. I love you all. More than you could ever know. goodnight dears. Goodnight Anna. Trying to ... anna. I found it. Oh memories. Yes, the tears can come now.
posted by chelC | 11:22 PM
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