WhAt YoU wAnT, WHaT i NeEd
I don't know how to tell you about these last days. They have been some of the better of my memory. I will of course have to start on thursday thanks to my lovely acompanist heidilidee. Yes that is how you spell her name when you are Chelsea and have known her for seven years.
Thursday was a generally good day. Easy enough at school, sincerely just wanting it to be friday. I wanted to see the guys so badly. So many things that i just can't express, but yes, only thurday....grr. But heidi is in my car and we are waiting for the busses to leave, and i aske her what she is doing. I forgot that she was grounded. So she is like i really wanted to see Elizabeth town though, so, being attracted to the Elf man pimp himself orlando bloom want to go see it too. We ignore the fact that she is grounded, aka she lies to her parents and we go. Alright movie i suppose. Good enough. We hop a median and go home. So we had a ton of fun together and this wasn't the first time. It always seems to happen that way and we agree that if we had the same classes as each other we would have ten times as many friends because we are wicked crazy around eachother. ... damn i love that girl. So i go to bellavita after i drop her off and talk with brandon about the idea of what we need and what we have. The entire simplicity aspect of things and i had a good time shooting him down. Sorry brandon, but you know you had a good time letting me shoot you down. We don't take anything personally, just let it flow.... that was the conclusioon of my thursday i give it a seven.
So friday was the day that wouldn't end. I really really really couldn't wait and was seriously pissed that i had to work. But then, work went amazingly fast, i guess some things just work out for you. So i went home, washed my hair and waited all of ten seconds for someone to call. Damn that was awesome. Always is. So scott and brandon come over and not five minutes later we are joined by ian. It was enjoyable to see them once more. I got the best hello hugs. Brandon and scott rolled around on my grass after scott took a pee on my neighbors house. Oh and after all three of them unzipped their pants and let them fall around their ankles. Very nice. I just wish i would have gotten that picutre..... damn. Always next time. I doubt that will be the last time they drop their drawers. Considering it happend about eleven times after that just in the past day. But, oh damn... i just can't explain it any other way. I just, i love them. I was driving home from work that night and had this weird feeling in my stomach, like i wanted to throw up and i couldn't understand what i was feeling bad about, and i realized, they make me want to throw up, in the best way possible. (smile) I saw my ring. I wore my ring. I held my ring. I stared at my ring for a good fifteen minutes. It has had some practice i feel. I missed my ring, but i couldn't handle it. I just need some time. Anywho. They left around twelve thirty and i went to bed. I got some amazing good bye hugs too. I would have to say best was.... scott's. I haven't flow feet off the ground, since ... i can't even remember. Mmmhmmm. I went to bed.
Had to work on saturday at eight. Went, waited to get off and in all eventuality it came. So i was stoked about that. I wondered what i would do that night and just had a feeling it would be fun, i am always right except when i am wrong. But, after work i called scott's cell phone. No answer, tunred off actually. So i called brandon. Answering machine. What the fuck? Go to the bathroom and brandon calls. Yea, he missed the call. He had been trying to call scott and the phone was off, man, good thing he told me, i had no idea.... So, i talked to him for bout a half an hour and got restless. We were supposed to see our friend joch perform at sufficient grounds at seven so we have a couple of hours to kill. I thought we should wake up scott and brandon agreed. Brandon came and picked me up and we went over there. Scott's mom answered the door and she said "You'll never believe it, but he still isn't awake." We believed it and went in his room and woke his fat ass up. Took a bit of prompting... half an hour later, he finally gets out of bed. Brandon and i decide we have time for dinner seeing as how we are invited and it was great. As soon as we accept dinner, we knew, we weren't going to the grounds. And that was just fine. I had so much fun hanging out and playing frisbee which i suck at. Scott and Brandon fell in a bush and threatend to throw me in as well... never happend. They sat and had a smoke. Then dinner.Bu Here is the thing... i really like Mr. and Mrs. Knevels. They are some of the coolest people i have ever met let alone parents and i can't believe that i had never even known them before. Paul was especially surprised scott had real friends, what can i say... After dinner we help move somethings in the house for his parents and his dad was either really surprised that i could lift the heavy things that only the boys shoul hace or felt bad that he made me (which he didn't). Either way, it was nice to do something nice. I mean they made me dinner and let me try brussel sprouts for the first time ever. Soon after i know i don't want to go home by midnight, means we have to call le parentals and tell them i shall be spending the night. I do and i go pick up my car because i know i will not leave until fairly close to working time the next day. Me and brandon get back and scott and brandon go in the house for their separate reasons. I am left outside talking to Mr. Knevels and he is one of the nicest men ever to walk the face of the planet. He said somethings that i will have to keep to myself, but he made me realize just how fucking fortunate i am. So easy to talk to.. yes. Then they come back outside and paul goes back inside to get fireworks and they set them off. Really fucking cool. I really do like fireworks. Not just the gernal fire thing, fire works. Sooner or later, Paul goes inside and i am left with my great friends. I couldn't and wouldn't have it anyother way. But, discussion progresses, they go pee a couple of times, and destiny rears it's ugly head. It's not that i don't like discussing the thought of destiny and fate and everything, it's just the negative forces that pull. I really do hate that, but am them invigorated by the belief in my self and the faith that i have. And what is that one thing? Does it have a name? Why yes, chad. He is destiny, he is life and he is in the after life. After being connected to him in a way that i have for almost always, it's hard not to believe. So, yea solice, in this case you are a very good thing. MMmm, we almost order a pizza. And don't. Then we try and get up and fall down two times. And laugh. Laugh like kids should. Cause that's all we will be in my mind, a bunch of kids who have no idea how to handle the world, but have a good fucking time trying. And one way or another end up in the house. Shortly after ian calls. And then arrives. Shortly after meagen calls and arrives with company. I realize i have not called heidi and that it is imparative so i relieve myself to the outdoors and talk to her. The rest of the people come out and watch as scott sets off a ... oh goddamn... a kind of flare that i cannot remember at the moment and it has to be the brightest thing i have ever seen. Not only that, but it is fukcing rainging and it still burns. I can see all the raindrops light up and i would have needed a camera to show you how mystical it was, or perhaps you should have just been there. But i took the chance at 1:30 am that my love would still be awake and yay! she is. So i talk to her and realize how much i have neglected to tell her and all of the things we used to do that we very much need to. I need a private place to talk to her and end up in scott's room. Dark, empty, ideal. I talk to her for while longer and we make plans to reveal all on tuesday, i honestly cannot wait. Then Scott comes into his room. Spot. Heidi's phone dies and i try to call back to no avail. I talk to scott for a minute and then he says i can take my time in the room. I end up snuggling up under his masive comforter and staring at the ceiling. He comes in and tells me that the people have left and that master booch and jesus request thine prescence. I go and sit in a chair and we, i don't even know. I fell asleep soon after and woke up a the most random times. Once was because they kept telling me to look and i wouldn't. Apparently they had their hands down their pants in a comical fashion, who would have guessed. I fall asleep once more and wake up singing a song and the thing was i kept repeating the words because i couldn't remember the name of the song or artist. I found out the next morning it was Transatlantacism. I fell asleep mumbling the words.... Next time i wake up it is to damien rice and i see there is a blanket on me that was not there before. Then, I wake up once more and look around, at my phone and tell them that i will be back in forty minutes. I want to have one last nap and it is in scott's bed. That place i so warm and comfortable and i was a little chilly. One cure for that, comforter. So, I set my alarm and fifty minutes later scott comes in and says, forty minutes my ass. Tells me to get out of his bed and i just roll over and watch him clean his room. He sits down on his couch and i close my eyes one last time for the night. I wake up the next day at around seven. I missed scott my an hour i think and brandon by two.
I walk to the computer and think it is scott, but don't say anything and then paul turns around and wishes me a good morning. I go to the chair and he offers me juice. I politely decline and see that scott is on the couch. Paul says that he thinks scott is sleeping in his bed and asked me how cheryl's bed was, i wouldn't know, i slept in scott's bed. Then he said well that means scott slept in cheryl's bed. I look at the couch and see scott asleep right there. I said, naw there's scott and paul says, well that is scott, i thought it was booch. He then goes off somewhere and i am left with a sleeping scott and a photo album. Good time. I lean back and found myself asleep once more and wake up to scott's mom and meagen talking. Meagen came to get her glasses and then she left. I got up and had a cup of coffee talking to scott's mom until everyone woke up. Here's the thing, Scott's mom is really awesome. She knows scott's an asshole, like his knows dad and like the rest of the world. But she loves him and knows that me and booch do too. She told me soo much about him and i just loved talking to her. I told her about myself and she told me about herself and all about being an empty nester. I am going to go over there all the time now. Hate to think there is an empty nest out there with such cool birds hanging about. Then the boys are awake and we eat breakfast. MMmmm. After breakfast we laze about in and out of conciousness for a good two three hours. I honest to god could not stop smiling. Why should i? When i am happy, why should i just sit there with a blank face? And if you have to ask what it was i could have been so happy about, you are fucking nuts. My babes, my buddies, my time, mmm, i was happy. Can you believe that a face can hold for me all the joy in the world. Just looking at peoples faces, not even listening to their voices let alone what they say, it holds joy for me. And knowing what thoes faces me. And what kind of heart lies right underneath. I deserve to be happy those guys and lady make me happy in a most genuine sense. It is time to go and it is lightly hailing outside. I go to put my things in the car and scott and brandon come around the house to say goodbye, i throw my shit in the car along with my keys. *BEEP BEEP* LOCKED SHIT~!!@!@ and that is why i had to find a locksmith at 1:30 on a sunday. And in the midst of all this, when it seems that shit always seems to happen at the wrong time, there was a bright side. I am able to take care of problems on my own. My initial thought was i have to call the rents and brandon will take me to work. Scott says no, not a good idea, we will just take care of this. so i call work tell them i will be late. Scott finds me a locksmith and now one thing lef.t Money. I don't have enough. Brandon cannot get any on a sunday and scott goes and get me the fifty bucks i need. That was the most valiant effort i have recieved from any person in a long time and i am truly greatful to him. And to know that my friends would take care of me when i need them. Brandon stayed and helped and scott help so much. I got the car unlocked and gave them the best hugs goodbye i could muster. So I ran to the bank, for i felt bad that scott gave me so much money and and i know how much he needs it and doesn't have a lot to waste so i drove back as quickly as i could and still had to honk my horn and stop them on the road to give it to him. I even threw in an extra ten dollars. He buys me so much food, i owe him. then there is that whole being a friend buisness and i have to keep up my end of the bargain, pay him or i get the hose again.... something to that effect anyway.
So here i am. And i am happy. So happy. I live for the feeling of being happy. I still worry and i still doubt, but i will not let it sink into my core and destroy me. The only regret that i have is that i was not able to say face to face the one think that i think i needed to. And i will simply have to wait. It won't be long. I would say not even until thanksgiving before i have another opportunity. I love you. All of you and i can't imagine a better life for myself. I may try. But no, i have everything i need not just wanting.
Thursday was a generally good day. Easy enough at school, sincerely just wanting it to be friday. I wanted to see the guys so badly. So many things that i just can't express, but yes, only thurday....grr. But heidi is in my car and we are waiting for the busses to leave, and i aske her what she is doing. I forgot that she was grounded. So she is like i really wanted to see Elizabeth town though, so, being attracted to the Elf man pimp himself orlando bloom want to go see it too. We ignore the fact that she is grounded, aka she lies to her parents and we go. Alright movie i suppose. Good enough. We hop a median and go home. So we had a ton of fun together and this wasn't the first time. It always seems to happen that way and we agree that if we had the same classes as each other we would have ten times as many friends because we are wicked crazy around eachother. ... damn i love that girl. So i go to bellavita after i drop her off and talk with brandon about the idea of what we need and what we have. The entire simplicity aspect of things and i had a good time shooting him down. Sorry brandon, but you know you had a good time letting me shoot you down. We don't take anything personally, just let it flow.... that was the conclusioon of my thursday i give it a seven.
So friday was the day that wouldn't end. I really really really couldn't wait and was seriously pissed that i had to work. But then, work went amazingly fast, i guess some things just work out for you. So i went home, washed my hair and waited all of ten seconds for someone to call. Damn that was awesome. Always is. So scott and brandon come over and not five minutes later we are joined by ian. It was enjoyable to see them once more. I got the best hello hugs. Brandon and scott rolled around on my grass after scott took a pee on my neighbors house. Oh and after all three of them unzipped their pants and let them fall around their ankles. Very nice. I just wish i would have gotten that picutre..... damn. Always next time. I doubt that will be the last time they drop their drawers. Considering it happend about eleven times after that just in the past day. But, oh damn... i just can't explain it any other way. I just, i love them. I was driving home from work that night and had this weird feeling in my stomach, like i wanted to throw up and i couldn't understand what i was feeling bad about, and i realized, they make me want to throw up, in the best way possible. (smile) I saw my ring. I wore my ring. I held my ring. I stared at my ring for a good fifteen minutes. It has had some practice i feel. I missed my ring, but i couldn't handle it. I just need some time. Anywho. They left around twelve thirty and i went to bed. I got some amazing good bye hugs too. I would have to say best was.... scott's. I haven't flow feet off the ground, since ... i can't even remember. Mmmhmmm. I went to bed.
Had to work on saturday at eight. Went, waited to get off and in all eventuality it came. So i was stoked about that. I wondered what i would do that night and just had a feeling it would be fun, i am always right except when i am wrong. But, after work i called scott's cell phone. No answer, tunred off actually. So i called brandon. Answering machine. What the fuck? Go to the bathroom and brandon calls. Yea, he missed the call. He had been trying to call scott and the phone was off, man, good thing he told me, i had no idea.... So, i talked to him for bout a half an hour and got restless. We were supposed to see our friend joch perform at sufficient grounds at seven so we have a couple of hours to kill. I thought we should wake up scott and brandon agreed. Brandon came and picked me up and we went over there. Scott's mom answered the door and she said "You'll never believe it, but he still isn't awake." We believed it and went in his room and woke his fat ass up. Took a bit of prompting... half an hour later, he finally gets out of bed. Brandon and i decide we have time for dinner seeing as how we are invited and it was great. As soon as we accept dinner, we knew, we weren't going to the grounds. And that was just fine. I had so much fun hanging out and playing frisbee which i suck at. Scott and Brandon fell in a bush and threatend to throw me in as well... never happend. They sat and had a smoke. Then dinner.Bu Here is the thing... i really like Mr. and Mrs. Knevels. They are some of the coolest people i have ever met let alone parents and i can't believe that i had never even known them before. Paul was especially surprised scott had real friends, what can i say... After dinner we help move somethings in the house for his parents and his dad was either really surprised that i could lift the heavy things that only the boys shoul hace or felt bad that he made me (which he didn't). Either way, it was nice to do something nice. I mean they made me dinner and let me try brussel sprouts for the first time ever. Soon after i know i don't want to go home by midnight, means we have to call le parentals and tell them i shall be spending the night. I do and i go pick up my car because i know i will not leave until fairly close to working time the next day. Me and brandon get back and scott and brandon go in the house for their separate reasons. I am left outside talking to Mr. Knevels and he is one of the nicest men ever to walk the face of the planet. He said somethings that i will have to keep to myself, but he made me realize just how fucking fortunate i am. So easy to talk to.. yes. Then they come back outside and paul goes back inside to get fireworks and they set them off. Really fucking cool. I really do like fireworks. Not just the gernal fire thing, fire works. Sooner or later, Paul goes inside and i am left with my great friends. I couldn't and wouldn't have it anyother way. But, discussion progresses, they go pee a couple of times, and destiny rears it's ugly head. It's not that i don't like discussing the thought of destiny and fate and everything, it's just the negative forces that pull. I really do hate that, but am them invigorated by the belief in my self and the faith that i have. And what is that one thing? Does it have a name? Why yes, chad. He is destiny, he is life and he is in the after life. After being connected to him in a way that i have for almost always, it's hard not to believe. So, yea solice, in this case you are a very good thing. MMmm, we almost order a pizza. And don't. Then we try and get up and fall down two times. And laugh. Laugh like kids should. Cause that's all we will be in my mind, a bunch of kids who have no idea how to handle the world, but have a good fucking time trying. And one way or another end up in the house. Shortly after ian calls. And then arrives. Shortly after meagen calls and arrives with company. I realize i have not called heidi and that it is imparative so i relieve myself to the outdoors and talk to her. The rest of the people come out and watch as scott sets off a ... oh goddamn... a kind of flare that i cannot remember at the moment and it has to be the brightest thing i have ever seen. Not only that, but it is fukcing rainging and it still burns. I can see all the raindrops light up and i would have needed a camera to show you how mystical it was, or perhaps you should have just been there. But i took the chance at 1:30 am that my love would still be awake and yay! she is. So i talk to her and realize how much i have neglected to tell her and all of the things we used to do that we very much need to. I need a private place to talk to her and end up in scott's room. Dark, empty, ideal. I talk to her for while longer and we make plans to reveal all on tuesday, i honestly cannot wait. Then Scott comes into his room. Spot. Heidi's phone dies and i try to call back to no avail. I talk to scott for a minute and then he says i can take my time in the room. I end up snuggling up under his masive comforter and staring at the ceiling. He comes in and tells me that the people have left and that master booch and jesus request thine prescence. I go and sit in a chair and we, i don't even know. I fell asleep soon after and woke up a the most random times. Once was because they kept telling me to look and i wouldn't. Apparently they had their hands down their pants in a comical fashion, who would have guessed. I fall asleep once more and wake up singing a song and the thing was i kept repeating the words because i couldn't remember the name of the song or artist. I found out the next morning it was Transatlantacism. I fell asleep mumbling the words.... Next time i wake up it is to damien rice and i see there is a blanket on me that was not there before. Then, I wake up once more and look around, at my phone and tell them that i will be back in forty minutes. I want to have one last nap and it is in scott's bed. That place i so warm and comfortable and i was a little chilly. One cure for that, comforter. So, I set my alarm and fifty minutes later scott comes in and says, forty minutes my ass. Tells me to get out of his bed and i just roll over and watch him clean his room. He sits down on his couch and i close my eyes one last time for the night. I wake up the next day at around seven. I missed scott my an hour i think and brandon by two.
I walk to the computer and think it is scott, but don't say anything and then paul turns around and wishes me a good morning. I go to the chair and he offers me juice. I politely decline and see that scott is on the couch. Paul says that he thinks scott is sleeping in his bed and asked me how cheryl's bed was, i wouldn't know, i slept in scott's bed. Then he said well that means scott slept in cheryl's bed. I look at the couch and see scott asleep right there. I said, naw there's scott and paul says, well that is scott, i thought it was booch. He then goes off somewhere and i am left with a sleeping scott and a photo album. Good time. I lean back and found myself asleep once more and wake up to scott's mom and meagen talking. Meagen came to get her glasses and then she left. I got up and had a cup of coffee talking to scott's mom until everyone woke up. Here's the thing, Scott's mom is really awesome. She knows scott's an asshole, like his knows dad and like the rest of the world. But she loves him and knows that me and booch do too. She told me soo much about him and i just loved talking to her. I told her about myself and she told me about herself and all about being an empty nester. I am going to go over there all the time now. Hate to think there is an empty nest out there with such cool birds hanging about. Then the boys are awake and we eat breakfast. MMmmm. After breakfast we laze about in and out of conciousness for a good two three hours. I honest to god could not stop smiling. Why should i? When i am happy, why should i just sit there with a blank face? And if you have to ask what it was i could have been so happy about, you are fucking nuts. My babes, my buddies, my time, mmm, i was happy. Can you believe that a face can hold for me all the joy in the world. Just looking at peoples faces, not even listening to their voices let alone what they say, it holds joy for me. And knowing what thoes faces me. And what kind of heart lies right underneath. I deserve to be happy those guys and lady make me happy in a most genuine sense. It is time to go and it is lightly hailing outside. I go to put my things in the car and scott and brandon come around the house to say goodbye, i throw my shit in the car along with my keys. *BEEP BEEP* LOCKED SHIT~!!@!@ and that is why i had to find a locksmith at 1:30 on a sunday. And in the midst of all this, when it seems that shit always seems to happen at the wrong time, there was a bright side. I am able to take care of problems on my own. My initial thought was i have to call the rents and brandon will take me to work. Scott says no, not a good idea, we will just take care of this. so i call work tell them i will be late. Scott finds me a locksmith and now one thing lef.t Money. I don't have enough. Brandon cannot get any on a sunday and scott goes and get me the fifty bucks i need. That was the most valiant effort i have recieved from any person in a long time and i am truly greatful to him. And to know that my friends would take care of me when i need them. Brandon stayed and helped and scott help so much. I got the car unlocked and gave them the best hugs goodbye i could muster. So I ran to the bank, for i felt bad that scott gave me so much money and and i know how much he needs it and doesn't have a lot to waste so i drove back as quickly as i could and still had to honk my horn and stop them on the road to give it to him. I even threw in an extra ten dollars. He buys me so much food, i owe him. then there is that whole being a friend buisness and i have to keep up my end of the bargain, pay him or i get the hose again.... something to that effect anyway.
So here i am. And i am happy. So happy. I live for the feeling of being happy. I still worry and i still doubt, but i will not let it sink into my core and destroy me. The only regret that i have is that i was not able to say face to face the one think that i think i needed to. And i will simply have to wait. It won't be long. I would say not even until thanksgiving before i have another opportunity. I love you. All of you and i can't imagine a better life for myself. I may try. But no, i have everything i need not just wanting.
posted by chelC | 10:22 PM
1 Comments:
Mawwwww. ^_^ look at that face. Just fucking look at it. Says it all.
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