OnCe aT the BeGiNNing, OnCE aT tHe END

I really felt like i had a lot more to say than i actually feel like writing out. A lot has changed in the past few months. Friends were made, people tried to steal my life, friends were lost, some people realized that life is painful... one of those including me. I don't know. And isn't that just the worst feeling in the world. Not knowing. I always want to know. Thus, being one of my greatest downfalls, because i don't. You know you believe in love, and then love kills you. You know you have the strength to carry on, and then someone tells you they don't. How does a building continue to stand when the foundation it was built on disappears. Or is only the dead decay of once lively wood. I don't know. Again, that totally kills me. And the thing that hurts even worse is, it can't. But i will refute that... until life continues on again.
I kind of want to believe that i am an exception to the rule. I want to be hypocritical in the world at large. I know that somethings just don't happen. Things that obviously other people, it takes a very long while to realize. And then, i want a fairy tale ending. I want the thing that they hunger for, but i believe mine is real. Do i keep my exectations so low that i believe what i have is attainable? Not at all. So what is the deal with this? Because i honestly believe that i will get what i want when no one else is. They have the same tunnel vision that i do. I guess there are just some things you can see in candle light that you can't in any other.
I wish that i had all the answers. Not some, all. I wish that i was the go to girl. But with someone who is as nieve as me, who can't seem to figure anything out right. What the fuck is the point? I haven't been able to fix anyone for seven months. The problems before were simple. And sometimes, they weren't so simple. Heartache is one of the heardest diseases to cure. But i had healing power. Do i seem like a judgemental person? Because i really am not. I just want people to tell me the truth like they did in the old days. Do i come off as a person who doesn't really care, or someone you can't trust? Please don't say yes. But as days pass, i feel more and more inadequate for the challenges that adults face. Hell, even fot the challenges that my friends face. I suppose showing off your vulnerability really doens't do you any good. And for that i completely blame these online blogs. I mean, if i needed everyone to know that i was a basketcas this is the first place that you need to check. Really, these things are the devil. I hate them....
I also realized that my dying words would be "i'm sorry for everything" Like i had one last breath, i would spend it on those words. Even repeat them if i had a little excess air. Because in truth, i regret a lot. But even more than that, i really do feel sorry for everything in my life that had a negative effect on another person. I am sorry that i fell in love all of the times i did. I am sorry that i hated people and wished them dead. I am sorry that i couldn't help. All of the times i could have and didn't. All of the times i tried to help and failed. All of the times i lied, all of the times i told the truth and killed someone's dreams and or feelings. I feel regret for all of my actions that have had such a negativity about them. And i realize that everything that i have done in my entire life and hurt someone. Nothing i do these days isn't slowly killing someone. We were just put on this planet to kill eachother and make heaven seem like all to beautiful of a dream. My heaven is solitude. A bright and warm light where i never open my eyes, and i never feel bad again. Heaven is a feeling, not a place.
I need to write a letter. I need to show the world that i care. I need to tell those close to me that i will always love them. And tell them that i am sorry. It will not make any difference. They will brush my apology away like ash from a cigarrete. It doesn't matter. But i just have that feeling again. Like life is getting short, quickly. I just don't feel i am going to be here that long. I just don't want to. Life sucks entirely too much for a feeling like that. Few things i am grateful for in this world anymore. And at present there isn't a feeling in the world that i am happy about. Not one. I miss loves. They are so far away, most of them. Most of their problems, so big. So hurtful, I am such a wuss.
I think that over a phone nothing can be fixed. I say this nearly two months after Scott and i had the most major of breakdowns in out entire friendship completely by phone. I also say this after i wanted to give him something to believe in when he was home for break.... nothing. At leat i don't think. I wish it were different. But when your mind is on someon else, you can't be with anyone else. I still think that giving a hug is the only way that you can show how much you love someone without saying a word. Everything you have.... you just opened up yourself and made yourself more vulnerable than anything else. They could kill you right there... and sometimes they do. I just know that people can hold me and i know that things will be okay. No words needed. Sometimes that's the only way i believe that life gets better. Which is why a breakdown far from home just doesn't work anymore. I need to see people face to face. I miss them. I really do. I just want to hold them and let them know, i am sorry for everything.
Life never getsbetter. We are broken from the beginning and we spend out entire lives just trying to pick up the pieces. Along the way we find people that are capable of piecing things back together and they help. You feel that someday you will be whole again and when that helper leaves, they drop your pieces and it just keeps breaking. The pieces keep multiplying and get harder to see. Littler and littler... someday we will give up too.. a powder will be all that's left and they will cast it to the wind. We are all the same in the end... i would have it no other way.