LaSer sHinE piErCE LikEN

I can't believe it is already (techinically) the third of november. I don't like to admit that the year has gone by this quickly. Already i was making resolutions and soon after, i was breaking them. I think of all the things i set out to conquer in this year and realize how i have done nothing that i planned. I did not one thing. I also realized that i planned, very, very ,very far in advance and the imediate future i basically left up to chance. Goals at beginning of year, hang out with friends, lose weight, continue my process of becoming a doctor, maintian all of my A's. It was really a quite shallow list. Reason being, i am a quite shallow person. If you like to say, i bring "the unnecessary drama" to the table. It's nothing really new for me. Nothing i didn't already know, but something i don't like to openly admit. I like to think of it more this way. There are no static characters in life. Everyone is dynamic. No one is the same throughout their ENTIRE life. At least i don't hope so. Everyone goes through phases, and for some, those phases are intense. Especially towards the end of their adolencense and when they come in to adulthood. Maturity is not based on an age, but completely on the individual person. I don't think i am mature, but i think i am getting there. And more than anything i am clinging to the immature, stupid, retarded person that i was. That immaturity that embodies also all of my inoscence. To be innocent is to be ignorant. It is bliss. Try and remember a bad time in your childhood that didn't involve some kind of truth coming to the light. Something you had never even thought of before. Everything bad is because of truth. At least in childhood. I remember talking in the eighth grade about the giver. That was one of my all time favorite books. I actually read it and was able to have intelligent meaningful things to add to the conversation about it. It was the book that got me into Honors English. Without proving myself on the knowledge of that books and expressing a deep and thoughtful manner in the analysis of that book, i would not have gotten the approval of Mr. O'Malley. That book was everything. It still really is. You wanna talk about the fucked-upness of human nature and the stripping down of the emotions and feelings and reasons we have them, there you go. It's everything that you need. I need to re-read that and find someone else who has read the book. Most people dismiss it as a childhood's read, i find it much more than that. And in life, it's all about your perception and the knowledge that you own. Beyond that, there is nothing. When i read over my past blog entries and my past journal entry's, i am filled with a kind of resentment towards myself. It's kind of crazy, and i really don't like it that much. Most of the time it's a "what were you thinking kind of thing" but no one ever really knows what they are thinking so it all kinda works out. Wouldn't you agree? I certainly hope so. I love pennzoni, but i have to stop spending money. I want to go to seattle, right now. I can taste it. I can smell it. I can feel the cold wind and the soft glow of the fire on my face. I remember the tightly packed sand and how you could walk miles and miles out when the tide was out. I can imagine laying in that sand and staring at the sky. I can imagine scott and brandon walking down the beach, so far out of reach that i can on make out two small dots on the horizon. I can imagine dan staying as far away from the water as he can, cause baybe, it's cold out there. I can imagine rolling over and seeing any of three faces glowing at me in the morning, mouth open, kinda snoring. Fins Scott outside smoking a cigarrette taking a pee off the side of the cliff. Maybe this isn't just in my head. Maybe it's because this has already happend and i am just back at the beginning, waiting for my glory day to come again. Life is a fucking circle anyway right? I am at the loop and i hope that i can move past it. I type with my left pinky up and i never use it. Everyone finger i use. What is so special about the left pinky? I will never know. Today the girl at work smelled of something i still don't know. It was so sweet and beautiful that is put me in pain. So sickeningly sweet and longing to know what it was that smell was. I still haven't figured it out. I was hoping to finish my homework and do another draft of my paper. Seems i am not even going to finish my homework. Go figure. I do the same thing day in and day out and there is never any variety to my life. I feel as though i have worn myself a rut. Even the worries and misgivings have all become the same sad affair. I never go to sleep these days. And then in the morning, when it is time to go, all i can want is to stay in that bed. Why to people have deep thoughts? What makes that such an important part of living. Our only purpose is to procreate. We are here to have sex and die. Everything is just a part of that journey to copulation. What are the things that make it hard, and what are the things that make life easier. When do the thoughts jsut pour out of you and you know you are satisfyed? Do you really think that someone could go one forever talking and talking and asking questions and making your mind explode? What leads people to hold grudges, and admit to things they don't want to? Why to people deny the truth? What do they get out of it? What to people get for telling the truth all the time? What does it matter if someone loves you and you never hear it from their own lips? Does it mean that you were ever loved at all? Why is it that in a time of crisis, the best thing to do is cry? Because that always feels good. I read somewhere, that we cry away our sins. All of the bad flows from our eyes and we are clensed. Why? Why our eyes? Because they are the windows to the soul? Maybe, if you believe in that sort of thing. And i do. I think that if i look into the eyes of a person i can tell what they are feeling, who they are thinking about, where they are... this is why no one ever looks me in the eyes anymore. And why i try not to look into their eyes. The truth is painful and ignorance is bliss. I am not as good a friend as i was made out to be. That wasn't in the plans, but here we are. And i can't go back now. There is not drawing board, there is not brainstorming. Damn. When people say they aren't going to change the person that they are, for anyone, i really think that means that they already have and that they can do anymore, it already is too much of a burden. Do i think that i am a burden? I think too much of myself. I am a truly selfish person as i think that everyone might be. I am really paranoid, i think that is totally hereditary. It's so warm and i want to fall asleep. I could do it, i could go to sleep and find myself in the morning. I need a day off. This after i just had four of nothingness. I am the leader of my group and they said they would be lost without me, yet i do believe i may be the only one who has not completed the task that i assigned myself to do. This should be easy, and yet this should be incredibly difficult. I want to have an A. I really understood watergate. I always raise my hand in that class. I always do in geometry too. Why don't people try? What is so hard about trying? Why do people get so angry so quickly? I think i would rather have a person who is pissed off about anything and everything than someone who never gets upset. Someday we will see her again. Or we won't. Either way, she as loved. She is loved. She will always have a home in here. Sweetpeas are the only fragrance. It's so easy at two in the morning to remember all of the good times. And all of the kind words. There is something to gentle and easy about the night. And other times, it is so cold and unwilling to budge. The day is full of laughter or full of bright sensless talking. Inscessant. Headache. I want the six and sevens to live in perfect harmony, but i don't think dr. seuss will like that very much. I kind of hope he dies. It would make my life a circle. It would let me give up all hope that this is a just and kind world and that we all have our purpose. Yes i kind hope you die. But only for a couple of days, and then i will mourn, but for only a couple of days. MMMmmmm. Amelie. Dear sweet amielie, you were too little. you were too kind. I should get my hair that short. If only the sixes and sevens lived in perfect harmony....