wHat i'M tHanKfUL fOr...
It's been a while since i have had the drive to update this thing. This is hard, and xanga is easy which is why, i guess, this gets so neglected. But now, it is time to stretch myself as a writer and go into detail. Too much detail. But this is a diary right? I don't think i have the heart to put this in my own handwriting so this will just make everything a little easier.
Monday: I knew that Ian was getting into town with tracker, and i knew that i would most likely not see him until tuesday. I still had my doubts that when tuesday rolled around i would talk to him. He had been hanging around with scott a loit and might i say be detatching himself from conversation with me. I don't know if it's true, but it sure as hell was how it felt. Past tense. Over and done with. Not anymore, and i am thankful for that. But it was still monday and I can't stand my house, so Brandon and i were going to go to bellavita but alas, they were not open. So instead, steak n' shake, what else? So we go and talk there for a couple of minutes and Ryan calls. He's almost back in town and is going to meet us... YEAY!!! I really miss the kids face. A half an hour passes while Brandon is on the phone with him and we wait anxiously for him to come. Everytime someone walks in the door we both turn excitedly to see if it is him. No luck. Ryan calls back and at this exact moment i turn and there standing just inside the door is scott. Right behind him is ian and what i assume to be tracker, i had never seen her before in my life. They of course take a booth in smoking and bradond talks louder on purpose to get their attention, but no, i know they are ignoring us. He doesn't think so, i know so. A lot of time passes. And i mean a lot of fucking time. I want to go over and say hello, but i can't make my feet move. Am i scared? Fuck yea i was scared. My heart was racing and i wanted to throw up a little. I knew i was going to have to talk to scott, i just didn't know it was going to be so soon. Brandon goes first. I sit there and try to do my geometry, but i can't. I can't even get a lucid thought out of my head. I decide, it's time. I walk over there and I don't remember being acknowledged. I did shake scott's hand. Ian did eventually talk to me and told me about his car and how carrie killed the clutch. Brandon was talking on the phone. I shook Tracy's hand. And then Brandon got off the phone and it was the most akward silence i have even been a part of. And i hope that it never gets that bad ever again. That sucked times ten. I don't know what brought it on, but something to something and then ian says "well you haven't been very nice to my friend mr. knevels lately" this was directed at brandon. But i said "by that standard neither have i". And it was true. I hadn't been nice at all. It doesn't matter if it was provoked or not, we were still mad at eachother when we shouldn't have been. Am i gonna say he cut me off for a while? yes, cause i think he did. but in truth it could have made things worse than they actually were. I don't know what else happend. Ian said he wasn't feeling well and put his head on the table and tracker started rubbing his back. Brandon said my whole body shuddered. I guess i am not a good a hider as i thought that i was, at least not when it counts. I did stay despite my need to run, and i am proud of myself for that. I did eventually look at the clock and go and grab my geometry stuff from the table and go back to scott and ian's table. I looked at scott and he looked at me for a while. Kinda a staring contest of sorts. He said "i'm looking at you". I said "i know". He asked me "is there anything you have to say?" I didn't really know what to say, he caught me off guard. There were a million things i wanted to say, but all i stammered out was "goodbye, i'll see you tomorrow" "that you will" i even got a sort of smile. And another handshake. I gave ian a half hug and a condolence on the car. The entire drive home, i went through the play by play, heard some of the stuff they said to brandon, and how much i just wanted to turn around and fix this. I know i had the power and now i had the drive. Then when i reached my door, i didn't know what to do. The combination of them are the safety net that i use the most. I have friends that i can rely on that don't include them, but these are my favorites. I spend the majority of my time with them, i have great memories with them, i don't know, they are what i am and my friends. I care for them the most, there is something about them i have not yet been able to identify, believe me i have been trying since summer, and they are my best. Whether they want to be or not, they are. I got inside my house, picked up the phone and thought about calling scott. And the only argument i had with myself was whether he would pick up his phone or not. It can't hurt to try. Three rings, and then after the next the voicemail picks up. Just before i get a hello. I told him i was sorry. I didn't go into detail, i was afraid to. But here is that detail now, i am sorry for everything. This whole situation. The way that i trust you but not enough all the time. I am sorry that i will try and not make this happen again. And i am sorry we never get to be friends and have all these great times cause something is always causing shit. I am sorry i didn't talk to you and for all of the horrible things that i did say when i got the chance. I felt hurt and i am sorry. We agreed that this whole friendship in peril thing needs to not happen again for a very very long time. Never would be sufficient i think. So that was that. And everything was well. and i even got a "I hope to see you a lot more this weekend" that's all that i ask.
Tuesday: Passed and sucked a very little. I was so excited that dan got hom at ten that it almost flew. Then the best thing, i ask michele leslie for a ride (no that wasn't it) and as i walk to door c, i see this kid and this other kid and i know them but i have to do a double take, it was ian and scott! I just walk up to scott (ian was in the midst of talking to whitney) "what are you doing here?" i don't remember if i got an answer or if i just got a hug. I don't care. I'll take it either way. I did ask for a ride home, and i was told i was fat.. mmm, i totally got a ride. This was prolly a good thing cause my ride at this moment was thirty feet away and i was not going to try and catch up. So after a little bit they went into the school furhter and went to see teachers. We spilt up in true scooby gang fashion and i went with scott and ian went with tacker. We walked aroudn the hallways, scott made random noises as kids passed, i was pushed into a window with a teacher inside, she didn't even notice. I pushed him into a locker, he freaked out that the robotics was locked and Langfelt had already left. I will say this, i have never seen him look more excited in my entire life and i even saw him look a little like a kid. Past that, we went to the fitness center because Anadon was up there and scott called ian on his cell so ian could see him. Came up, they talked, i talked a little to tracy yada yada yada, we leave. Scott asks me if i need to be dropped off i said i don't care. We go to bella vita, and i am told to "get a fucking cup of coffee" so i do. We sit, talk, i lie down, i get up, we leave. They go outside for a smoke. Scott makes a crack about me locking my keys in my car i hit him, everyone laughs, i come to a general concensus, yea.. i missed them. It's a little chilly, after a while, i aclimate, but tracy is from florida and she has this disease where the blood doesn't flow properly to her feet and hands. Damn. After about two smokes a piece they get in the car. we are going over to ians house, i don't think i am allowed there, and then scott gets a call that dinner is in like a half an hour. He drops ian and tracy off and takes me home. This encounter has been so much less akward, for this i am thankful, and eveything is back to good. Get to my 'hood, he turns the car and i fall one way, damn syntriphiocal force! (shakes fist) Bastard laughs too!! I was just jealous i couldn't do it. I grab my shit, i get a huge hug and i squeeze him till he makes a bleahghiajk kinda noise, ahh just right! Then i get in my house and take a nap.
Technically Wednesday: I wake up and try to do homework to no avail and just sit down to watch Conan until Dan and Brandon arrive, like they promised me they would. So, yea i call brandon and he tells me a little of the night's events. He and Scott had gone to Bella Vita and then they went to get dan and went to steak n' shake where they were met by ryan and ian & tracker. They hang out for a while and then scott gets a call to hang out with laurie and katie so he goes and tells brandon he may stop by later. Then he says they are here and i run out and give dan a huge hug hello. He got taller, i don't care what people say, he totally got taller.
*>>Side Note: I am listening to "Time Consumer" right now and i remember when i listened to this is summer. I was getting ready to go over to ians for the second night. I was straightening my hair and singing along to it in the mirror. And i was thinking and kinda hoping that this time would be as fun as the first time. Wow was i undersestimating things. If you really want to know check the August i think 14th post. something like that. It's just a great memory, the whole thing... the whole fucking thing... :End of Side Note<<*
Besides the tallness he and his music abilities are only getting better with time. I was kinda blown away with all his new material. My absolute favorite was "Quite Unique". It was awesome. The guitar part was just magnificent. Like whoah! I don't know, i almost cried and it was fabulous. They were all really good, i just love his music and everytime he plays for me i realize how much he really needs to release a CD so that i can listen to it over and over again. I need you now more than i ever did. They stayed over, he showed me face book. I saw pictures of tom and caitlin and a girl named Maggie who has a thing for scott. Maw*. It was so much fun, but considering i still had school, i had to kick them out and take my two hour nap.
Later that Wednesday: I went to school and i had to wait for brandon to pick me up from school, like i really care he was late. Psh no. So we go over to dan's and i see Srgt. Foxtrot again. I missed that crazy cross eyed cat. We hang out and talk for a little bit. And then he has to go to work. I did talk to his mom a little while i was there and i do like her. I was a little worried that she didn't like me, but whatever. I'm over it. So dan went to work and on our way out of the developement i say Mrs. Patterson and doug outside so i went and said hello to both of them. Gave Nancy a hug* woot! then i went home and decided to take a nap. Ian was busy with dinner then church, so i really had nothing better to do. I woke up and txted him twice so now i am completely out of money and the only thing you can do is txt me... i think.. I really need to get money for that phone.
Even Later That Wednesday: I wake up and find a txt from ian. Long story short, he came and got me. I remember driving over the bridge on beech and telling him exactly how i felt. How i feel. Wait for everything evil in you come out. It's kind of a stunned silence feeling that i got in return. I couldn't help smiling and laughing to myself at how pathetic i must really come across. And how incredibly too late it was that i figured this out. I even mention the way that we seem to have impecably bad timing. He agreed. I knew he had something going on with tracker. Not because i am just that perceptive, but i have been told, so i wasn't really in a shock there. I don't know exactly what it was that i was expecting or what it is that i wanted to come of making such a remark as that, but i did it. I guess it was the not knowing how he felt that drove me to do it. At first, it didn't seem to hurt that he gave me the old, wrong time wrong place line, it seemed right. I know it's the truth. It's just hard to hear that someone likes you BUT... the but is what hurts. I don't even remember if he told me he still liked me... Think of all the things we put him through. I can't make a noise that embodies what feeling it is that i have. Plain and simple as that. I guess i could totally move on. Oh wait, i found a flaw in that solution, i don't want to. Besides this feeling that just has fully developed in the last 14 hours of sleep that i had i was fine. I will always be friends if nothing else. If nothing else. Whomever created the idea of distance and long distance relationships that don't work, yea, i will fucking kill them... I will move past this. Just give me a four days. Thurs, Friday, Saturday, Sunday... yea four. The great thing about this is i don't think that any of my friends in town have internet and hopefully they won't find out this until they are back safe in their little dorms. Oh Dear God, I don't feel alive. We did go to Nick's Patio and he had a smoke and felt better. I had a smoke and i felt better. And i talked to him. For only an hour. I found out that he really isn't impressed by the college life. Well not so much the life as the classes. Talking to him, i think that he is more honest with me then i ever gave him credit for. He will talk about teh way he views his other friends and anything else and doesn't censor it for my ears. But you, you know, you were my favorite. He also comes out and tells me that he is worried about me. Sometimes i don't know why, and other times it is nice that someone cares. But enough of that. I gave him a hug goodbye. I didn't mean it. And i went inside. I talked to brandon and asked him when dan and him were going to come over. They said in an hour or two. I fell asleep and never woke up again. Until about two hours ago. If it was my choice, believe me, i would have slept throught this day.
Other than that: i am just spiffy. Please don't tell me secrets. I.. don't want to make anyone upset by saying anything on this matter. I am still really happy that everyone is in town and they are all safe and that they make me smile. So i am getting all nostalgic and even the word "summer" reminds me of a thousand things at once. I smile and cry and laugh and throw up and pee my pants all at the same time. It's a great feeling. I promise. Someday we really will have great timing, or we will have no timing at all. I will time something with someone someday. It doesn't have to be soon, cause in all honesty if you didn't get it from before i am still hung up on ian a little. It's a short weekend and then christmas will be here soon. I am going to be okay. We are all going to be friends, and i am still going to have so much fun with them while they are in town! Woot! Dear Mariah, the worlds not big enough for the both of us when we live in the same town! Wow, yea i need to get away from this computer. I think i am gonna go take a nap. Pick at the turkey a little... haha yea right. I totally called it too. I knew that if i ate i was going to get sick again. I gotta give that shit up. My right eye has done shed a tear. I guess there is only so much that you can share with an internet blog. The rest has to be kept all inside. It's better that way. Right? I really just don't want to dwell on the subject anymore because i don't want to make anyone upset. With me, or think that i blow things out of proportion, and this is an honest fear. so please don't call me out on it. I swear it won't happen for a very long time. Smiles staged in photographs. You, you left the light on.... I'll lay awake for a while.
Monday: I knew that Ian was getting into town with tracker, and i knew that i would most likely not see him until tuesday. I still had my doubts that when tuesday rolled around i would talk to him. He had been hanging around with scott a loit and might i say be detatching himself from conversation with me. I don't know if it's true, but it sure as hell was how it felt. Past tense. Over and done with. Not anymore, and i am thankful for that. But it was still monday and I can't stand my house, so Brandon and i were going to go to bellavita but alas, they were not open. So instead, steak n' shake, what else? So we go and talk there for a couple of minutes and Ryan calls. He's almost back in town and is going to meet us... YEAY!!! I really miss the kids face. A half an hour passes while Brandon is on the phone with him and we wait anxiously for him to come. Everytime someone walks in the door we both turn excitedly to see if it is him. No luck. Ryan calls back and at this exact moment i turn and there standing just inside the door is scott. Right behind him is ian and what i assume to be tracker, i had never seen her before in my life. They of course take a booth in smoking and bradond talks louder on purpose to get their attention, but no, i know they are ignoring us. He doesn't think so, i know so. A lot of time passes. And i mean a lot of fucking time. I want to go over and say hello, but i can't make my feet move. Am i scared? Fuck yea i was scared. My heart was racing and i wanted to throw up a little. I knew i was going to have to talk to scott, i just didn't know it was going to be so soon. Brandon goes first. I sit there and try to do my geometry, but i can't. I can't even get a lucid thought out of my head. I decide, it's time. I walk over there and I don't remember being acknowledged. I did shake scott's hand. Ian did eventually talk to me and told me about his car and how carrie killed the clutch. Brandon was talking on the phone. I shook Tracy's hand. And then Brandon got off the phone and it was the most akward silence i have even been a part of. And i hope that it never gets that bad ever again. That sucked times ten. I don't know what brought it on, but something to something and then ian says "well you haven't been very nice to my friend mr. knevels lately" this was directed at brandon. But i said "by that standard neither have i". And it was true. I hadn't been nice at all. It doesn't matter if it was provoked or not, we were still mad at eachother when we shouldn't have been. Am i gonna say he cut me off for a while? yes, cause i think he did. but in truth it could have made things worse than they actually were. I don't know what else happend. Ian said he wasn't feeling well and put his head on the table and tracker started rubbing his back. Brandon said my whole body shuddered. I guess i am not a good a hider as i thought that i was, at least not when it counts. I did stay despite my need to run, and i am proud of myself for that. I did eventually look at the clock and go and grab my geometry stuff from the table and go back to scott and ian's table. I looked at scott and he looked at me for a while. Kinda a staring contest of sorts. He said "i'm looking at you". I said "i know". He asked me "is there anything you have to say?" I didn't really know what to say, he caught me off guard. There were a million things i wanted to say, but all i stammered out was "goodbye, i'll see you tomorrow" "that you will" i even got a sort of smile. And another handshake. I gave ian a half hug and a condolence on the car. The entire drive home, i went through the play by play, heard some of the stuff they said to brandon, and how much i just wanted to turn around and fix this. I know i had the power and now i had the drive. Then when i reached my door, i didn't know what to do. The combination of them are the safety net that i use the most. I have friends that i can rely on that don't include them, but these are my favorites. I spend the majority of my time with them, i have great memories with them, i don't know, they are what i am and my friends. I care for them the most, there is something about them i have not yet been able to identify, believe me i have been trying since summer, and they are my best. Whether they want to be or not, they are. I got inside my house, picked up the phone and thought about calling scott. And the only argument i had with myself was whether he would pick up his phone or not. It can't hurt to try. Three rings, and then after the next the voicemail picks up. Just before i get a hello. I told him i was sorry. I didn't go into detail, i was afraid to. But here is that detail now, i am sorry for everything. This whole situation. The way that i trust you but not enough all the time. I am sorry that i will try and not make this happen again. And i am sorry we never get to be friends and have all these great times cause something is always causing shit. I am sorry i didn't talk to you and for all of the horrible things that i did say when i got the chance. I felt hurt and i am sorry. We agreed that this whole friendship in peril thing needs to not happen again for a very very long time. Never would be sufficient i think. So that was that. And everything was well. and i even got a "I hope to see you a lot more this weekend" that's all that i ask.
Tuesday: Passed and sucked a very little. I was so excited that dan got hom at ten that it almost flew. Then the best thing, i ask michele leslie for a ride (no that wasn't it) and as i walk to door c, i see this kid and this other kid and i know them but i have to do a double take, it was ian and scott! I just walk up to scott (ian was in the midst of talking to whitney) "what are you doing here?" i don't remember if i got an answer or if i just got a hug. I don't care. I'll take it either way. I did ask for a ride home, and i was told i was fat.. mmm, i totally got a ride. This was prolly a good thing cause my ride at this moment was thirty feet away and i was not going to try and catch up. So after a little bit they went into the school furhter and went to see teachers. We spilt up in true scooby gang fashion and i went with scott and ian went with tacker. We walked aroudn the hallways, scott made random noises as kids passed, i was pushed into a window with a teacher inside, she didn't even notice. I pushed him into a locker, he freaked out that the robotics was locked and Langfelt had already left. I will say this, i have never seen him look more excited in my entire life and i even saw him look a little like a kid. Past that, we went to the fitness center because Anadon was up there and scott called ian on his cell so ian could see him. Came up, they talked, i talked a little to tracy yada yada yada, we leave. Scott asks me if i need to be dropped off i said i don't care. We go to bella vita, and i am told to "get a fucking cup of coffee" so i do. We sit, talk, i lie down, i get up, we leave. They go outside for a smoke. Scott makes a crack about me locking my keys in my car i hit him, everyone laughs, i come to a general concensus, yea.. i missed them. It's a little chilly, after a while, i aclimate, but tracy is from florida and she has this disease where the blood doesn't flow properly to her feet and hands. Damn. After about two smokes a piece they get in the car. we are going over to ians house, i don't think i am allowed there, and then scott gets a call that dinner is in like a half an hour. He drops ian and tracy off and takes me home. This encounter has been so much less akward, for this i am thankful, and eveything is back to good. Get to my 'hood, he turns the car and i fall one way, damn syntriphiocal force! (shakes fist) Bastard laughs too!! I was just jealous i couldn't do it. I grab my shit, i get a huge hug and i squeeze him till he makes a bleahghiajk kinda noise, ahh just right! Then i get in my house and take a nap.
Technically Wednesday: I wake up and try to do homework to no avail and just sit down to watch Conan until Dan and Brandon arrive, like they promised me they would. So, yea i call brandon and he tells me a little of the night's events. He and Scott had gone to Bella Vita and then they went to get dan and went to steak n' shake where they were met by ryan and ian & tracker. They hang out for a while and then scott gets a call to hang out with laurie and katie so he goes and tells brandon he may stop by later. Then he says they are here and i run out and give dan a huge hug hello. He got taller, i don't care what people say, he totally got taller.
*>>Side Note: I am listening to "Time Consumer" right now and i remember when i listened to this is summer. I was getting ready to go over to ians for the second night. I was straightening my hair and singing along to it in the mirror. And i was thinking and kinda hoping that this time would be as fun as the first time. Wow was i undersestimating things. If you really want to know check the August i think 14th post. something like that. It's just a great memory, the whole thing... the whole fucking thing... :End of Side Note<<*
Besides the tallness he and his music abilities are only getting better with time. I was kinda blown away with all his new material. My absolute favorite was "Quite Unique". It was awesome. The guitar part was just magnificent. Like whoah! I don't know, i almost cried and it was fabulous. They were all really good, i just love his music and everytime he plays for me i realize how much he really needs to release a CD so that i can listen to it over and over again. I need you now more than i ever did. They stayed over, he showed me face book. I saw pictures of tom and caitlin and a girl named Maggie who has a thing for scott. Maw*. It was so much fun, but considering i still had school, i had to kick them out and take my two hour nap.
Later that Wednesday: I went to school and i had to wait for brandon to pick me up from school, like i really care he was late. Psh no. So we go over to dan's and i see Srgt. Foxtrot again. I missed that crazy cross eyed cat. We hang out and talk for a little bit. And then he has to go to work. I did talk to his mom a little while i was there and i do like her. I was a little worried that she didn't like me, but whatever. I'm over it. So dan went to work and on our way out of the developement i say Mrs. Patterson and doug outside so i went and said hello to both of them. Gave Nancy a hug* woot! then i went home and decided to take a nap. Ian was busy with dinner then church, so i really had nothing better to do. I woke up and txted him twice so now i am completely out of money and the only thing you can do is txt me... i think.. I really need to get money for that phone.
Even Later That Wednesday: I wake up and find a txt from ian. Long story short, he came and got me. I remember driving over the bridge on beech and telling him exactly how i felt. How i feel. Wait for everything evil in you come out. It's kind of a stunned silence feeling that i got in return. I couldn't help smiling and laughing to myself at how pathetic i must really come across. And how incredibly too late it was that i figured this out. I even mention the way that we seem to have impecably bad timing. He agreed. I knew he had something going on with tracker. Not because i am just that perceptive, but i have been told, so i wasn't really in a shock there. I don't know exactly what it was that i was expecting or what it is that i wanted to come of making such a remark as that, but i did it. I guess it was the not knowing how he felt that drove me to do it. At first, it didn't seem to hurt that he gave me the old, wrong time wrong place line, it seemed right. I know it's the truth. It's just hard to hear that someone likes you BUT... the but is what hurts. I don't even remember if he told me he still liked me... Think of all the things we put him through. I can't make a noise that embodies what feeling it is that i have. Plain and simple as that. I guess i could totally move on. Oh wait, i found a flaw in that solution, i don't want to. Besides this feeling that just has fully developed in the last 14 hours of sleep that i had i was fine. I will always be friends if nothing else. If nothing else. Whomever created the idea of distance and long distance relationships that don't work, yea, i will fucking kill them... I will move past this. Just give me a four days. Thurs, Friday, Saturday, Sunday... yea four. The great thing about this is i don't think that any of my friends in town have internet and hopefully they won't find out this until they are back safe in their little dorms. Oh Dear God, I don't feel alive. We did go to Nick's Patio and he had a smoke and felt better. I had a smoke and i felt better. And i talked to him. For only an hour. I found out that he really isn't impressed by the college life. Well not so much the life as the classes. Talking to him, i think that he is more honest with me then i ever gave him credit for. He will talk about teh way he views his other friends and anything else and doesn't censor it for my ears. But you, you know, you were my favorite. He also comes out and tells me that he is worried about me. Sometimes i don't know why, and other times it is nice that someone cares. But enough of that. I gave him a hug goodbye. I didn't mean it. And i went inside. I talked to brandon and asked him when dan and him were going to come over. They said in an hour or two. I fell asleep and never woke up again. Until about two hours ago. If it was my choice, believe me, i would have slept throught this day.
Other than that: i am just spiffy. Please don't tell me secrets. I.. don't want to make anyone upset by saying anything on this matter. I am still really happy that everyone is in town and they are all safe and that they make me smile. So i am getting all nostalgic and even the word "summer" reminds me of a thousand things at once. I smile and cry and laugh and throw up and pee my pants all at the same time. It's a great feeling. I promise. Someday we really will have great timing, or we will have no timing at all. I will time something with someone someday. It doesn't have to be soon, cause in all honesty if you didn't get it from before i am still hung up on ian a little. It's a short weekend and then christmas will be here soon. I am going to be okay. We are all going to be friends, and i am still going to have so much fun with them while they are in town! Woot! Dear Mariah, the worlds not big enough for the both of us when we live in the same town! Wow, yea i need to get away from this computer. I think i am gonna go take a nap. Pick at the turkey a little... haha yea right. I totally called it too. I knew that if i ate i was going to get sick again. I gotta give that shit up. My right eye has done shed a tear. I guess there is only so much that you can share with an internet blog. The rest has to be kept all inside. It's better that way. Right? I really just don't want to dwell on the subject anymore because i don't want to make anyone upset. With me, or think that i blow things out of proportion, and this is an honest fear. so please don't call me out on it. I swear it won't happen for a very long time. Smiles staged in photographs. You, you left the light on.... I'll lay awake for a while.
posted by chelC | 4:51 PM
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