tHe GiRL in The cORneR stArinG aT ME wiTh No EyeS
It seems like i only update this thing on sunday. Why is that? Because the world slows down on a sunday and i am able to sit back, reflect, and understand how everything went during my week. I do hate the idea of sundays though. They have to be the worst day of the week for all people (except maybe die hard christians such as those who attend the GCC, which also means die hard republicans). But for college partying kids who were far too drunk last night, it is one day to recover from a hangover before classes, one that is completely wasted. For those who simply pulled an all nighter and find themselves now feeling so tired they want to pass out have to somehow find a way that they make it to their eight o'clock class tomorrow. And for all of the "good" kids, it is one more day that they sleep in to treasure this little tease of the weekend, for they can't go out and do something fun because there is homework they have neglected thus far in the weekend and now they scramble to put their academic self who has greatly deteriorated back together again. I, will not try however, i am done with trying, i am simply going to coast until finals. If i try and work my ass off, i'll be really mean and pissed off and i am not seeing the necessity for it anymore, in all honesty. So here i am on a sunday, updating something that may seem worthless, but will mean more to me in twenty years than all the calculus i took.
This week i was obsessed with the song red right ankle, by the decemberists. I wasn't as taken with it initially as i am now because i think every great song takes some time to realize that. But all of it is immensly beautiful and maybe a lot of you are like, "wtf? it's just a song, and not even one of the best by the decemberists, or any other indie band for that matter" Well, what is a song supposed to do? The same thing that a poem s supposed to, you can think about what it was that the writer was trying to get at. What specific circumstance were they talking about, or you could try and figure out, how does that relate to me. For some songs, i try the first method, but for all, i go with the second. This is the mark of a truly great song to me. When you can get the person listening to cry because it made them think about thier own life in a perspective kind of way. And the last verse, which i write here so it will never be lost goes as such:
This is the story of the boys who loved you, loved you now and loved you then. Some were sweet and some were cold and snubbed you. And some just layed around in bed. Some may crumbled you straight to your knees, did it cruel, did it tenderly. Some had crawled their way into your heart tearing your ventricles apart. This is the story of the boys who loved you. This is the story of your red right ankle...
And i love it, cause i think it relates to me in a way that no song ever could. It just kind of encompases all of the heartbreak there is and ever could be. Bravo Decemberists, Bravo.
The other night i had an awesome conversation with dillon on indie rock. The only problem is that he tried to tell me that The White Stripes were indie. I think not sir crazy dillon. Please people, think about it! Maybe their first album, maybe, but they are so main stream. I would call them alternative if nothing else. Because why? Because i said so, they don't give me the same feeling that true indie artists like the decemberists, wilco, andrew bird, bright eyes, ect. It's not the same, it never will be. So white stripes=not indie. Let's just leave it at that. By the end of the conversation i had him on the right track anyhow so it doesn't seem to matter too much. He has heard a lot of the same stuff that i have and actually a few i haven't. Of course, i had a few he had never heard of either... he's never heard the trapeeze swinger! Man, i am starting to think that you have never heard about life if you haven't listened to that. I know it's not true, but i can't imagine my life without it. Sometimes i find that playing in the back of my head... mostly when i think of summer...
Which is long gone as i can see by the snow on the ground... and i miss it. I am allowed. I don't dwell, but i am allowed to miss it. And that song was kinda the anthem of the summer in my eyes. There were others, but none that i heard that frequently, none that made me look around and see what was really important. It's you, no it's you, no it's us. I'ms really glad they they decided to include me in their lives when it was one of those crucial points. I mean, if they had all snubbed me, i wouldn't know them at all, and their would be no reason to think of them. I'm sure i would prolly be thinking of, my old friends from eigth grade if it wasn't them, but i don't think that would be very good because my friends in eigth grade are so different, i wouldn't even recognize them in the hallway. And from this i realized something, friends come into our lives at all the right times and when they leave it is always the wrong time. I am better friends with some people i have known since the fourth and fifth grade and i could talk to them for hours. Then those that i met in eigth grade of even my freshman sophomore year i can't say more then hello, act crazy for a few hallways and then go off to my respective class. There just isn't enough to go on. History is the thing that makes a friendship. Acquating myself with as many people as possible to try and find the right ones doesn't make any sense to me. I have a history with heidi, i have more than a history, i have a whole life there! As with all my other friends, i have been building. All of my greatest friends in the world, i have spent countless hours logged just lazing about and talking to them when there was a lot to talk about and even some time when there wasn't. Is it any wonder that i have this idea in my head (although it seem hidden sometimes) that i think the true friendships i formed over this summer will last me at least seven years. Why seven? Cause that's me and heidi, and we keep going strong. But the summer seemed so long and although i knew them only a month and 12 days before they left for purdue, it felt like a year. I have hope, this gives me hope, for a future.
I thought about everything for a while and actually had this amazing dream last week where me and brandon went in on this lotto ticket together and we won something like eight million dollars a piece (after taxes and getting it in a lump sum) I dropped out of highschool and got my diploma and i left for seattle. I of course had everyone up for one last huge party and goodbye. So i left and i would fly back down to purdue every once in a while and catch up, go to a party and leave. People would ask me how college was and i would just reply, meh, it's alright, i'm just not there half the time. And everyone would laugh and i wouldn't say anything else. I left and didn't come back for a month and called scott, brandon, and dan and told them that they had to come out and see this place becaues it was too amazing for them not too anymore. I agreed to pay dan and scott's passage, and they took the week off of classes and stayed with me. I had decided to buy a house on campus (if they don't exist, they do in my dreams) and i shared it with two other girls who payed me rent, cause it was a pretty sweet house and i am not that nice. I used the money to buy crap for people at purdue, cigarettes, beer, pizza, condoms, ect. The girls stay at the dorm for a week cause i tell them that their next months rent will be free if they do. I take them around campus and most people say hi to me, i am fairly well known on campus. They love it of course although i am sure that scott is the most taken with the view of mount rainer from the steps of the campus by the library, it really is beautiful. But we return to my house and we see the girls in passing and they invite dan and brandon to their dorm room to get acquainted and listen to music or something, so they go. I sit and talk to scott for a while and this guy comes in who is my boyfriend. I have good taste in dream men. But he comes in and starts talking about the museum in Japan on WWII and how he is worried because there is this one part that the Japanese are disagreeing with and he has to go and solve the issue. He asks me to go with him and i told him not this time. He agrees considering i had already done so much. Then scott gets interested and asks what he is talking about. And my boyfriend says didn't she tell you? She did all the research for this wing of the museum and has done a fantastic job negotiating with the Japanese, she is a masterful speaker. He gives me a kiss and then tells me he'll see me later in the week and that he hopes to meet my old college friends. Scott asks me about the research and i tell him that i went to Japan for interviews with war survivors and learned a lot of the language while i was there. Then i was flown back to the states to recieve a translator and went to Germany. I was there for nearly a month ( i had flown back once to visit them at purdue and then my family, his mom and dad, and brandon). Then i went to ireland, scotland, and whales. That was a little treat to myself for doing all this work. That is when i was gone for the month stretch. I lost tracker of time. Scott was kinda pissed that i went all these places and didn't tell him, let alone not take him. Which is when i told him the university had paid for all of it. Even the irelad scotland and whales portion. He was a little befuddled. Then i let the bomb drop, i went and saw his relatives in germany. He was livid, he hadn't said anything, just the look on his face said it for me. I said that they were the sweetest people i had ever met and they wanted scott to have this since he was the last knevels ever. It was a ring, go figure. He just looked at it and expressed his hurt that i had done so much and had not even gotten a postcard or anything from me since i left for college. Visits, were nice, but not a mention of how my life was going or that i had travled all around the world, nothing. And i apologized but said that it was my life, i didn't have the time or the energy to catch them up on everything all the time. And that he hadn't exactly asked about it when i did see him. He wanted to know if he had to ask out right if i had been to japan to get a straight answer. I said no, but how many times had he called me since i had left? How many efforts did he make? Little or none. Everytime i was the one who made the call. He said there had only been about two of those. Still two more than he even tried to make... and then i woke up.
I hate it that that dream ended on such a sour note. It was such an awesome dream and i loved the way that my life had seemingly turned out. But it made me think (i know, oh no, here she goes again) the way that scott was thinking, is me. They could have gone to Japan and Germany and back and i would have never known. They are out there seeming to have an adventure that i can't and am jealous. They have been able to move away from the nothingness, the already explored territory and i cannot. I am bound here and the only thing i want to do is get out. I am hypocritical in the way that i defend my homeland, but only because if i admit that there is nothing here and it really is useless then i fear that no one will return and keep me company. It is really for a selfish purpose. And i do so hate that when i drive down McKinely past the hummer plant i think of ian, and when i see a 5/3 Bank i think of scott. Don't even get me started on Steak n' Shake. I hate how every street has a memory and i love it just the same. I love being reminded of the great time but hate the emptiness i then feel knowing that they have departed to a bigger life. They never left me, but my heart won't listen sometimes and i then feel abandoned and get pissed off about it. It still happens in short bursts, but i know that is just a part of life. I'll learn to deal with it, and conceal it, and make everyone feel good about it. But i am no magician and this will be no quick change act.
I have to go perform with the morris in a little bit. First i think that i will go to the chocolate cafe. It really is a nice place. I should apply for a job and see if i get accepted. It might be a fun thing to do, screw with my old boss a little bit... tiddle... I really want to crawl back into that sweet little bed of mine and continue my small mini dreams that confuse/sadden/inspire/make me happy. I don't know what it is about those dreams, i just can't get enough of them. But right now i am looking at all the artwork i did in my inspired period this fall... there is a girl there, right in the corner, so dark and she has no eyes. I can feel her staring at me. Or wishing she could, but you can't give those without a soul eyes, it just doesn't go like that. Happy Indicember to all, i wish nothing but the best music for you all day, week, and month around.
This week i was obsessed with the song red right ankle, by the decemberists. I wasn't as taken with it initially as i am now because i think every great song takes some time to realize that. But all of it is immensly beautiful and maybe a lot of you are like, "wtf? it's just a song, and not even one of the best by the decemberists, or any other indie band for that matter" Well, what is a song supposed to do? The same thing that a poem s supposed to, you can think about what it was that the writer was trying to get at. What specific circumstance were they talking about, or you could try and figure out, how does that relate to me. For some songs, i try the first method, but for all, i go with the second. This is the mark of a truly great song to me. When you can get the person listening to cry because it made them think about thier own life in a perspective kind of way. And the last verse, which i write here so it will never be lost goes as such:
This is the story of the boys who loved you, loved you now and loved you then. Some were sweet and some were cold and snubbed you. And some just layed around in bed. Some may crumbled you straight to your knees, did it cruel, did it tenderly. Some had crawled their way into your heart tearing your ventricles apart. This is the story of the boys who loved you. This is the story of your red right ankle...
And i love it, cause i think it relates to me in a way that no song ever could. It just kind of encompases all of the heartbreak there is and ever could be. Bravo Decemberists, Bravo.
The other night i had an awesome conversation with dillon on indie rock. The only problem is that he tried to tell me that The White Stripes were indie. I think not sir crazy dillon. Please people, think about it! Maybe their first album, maybe, but they are so main stream. I would call them alternative if nothing else. Because why? Because i said so, they don't give me the same feeling that true indie artists like the decemberists, wilco, andrew bird, bright eyes, ect. It's not the same, it never will be. So white stripes=not indie. Let's just leave it at that. By the end of the conversation i had him on the right track anyhow so it doesn't seem to matter too much. He has heard a lot of the same stuff that i have and actually a few i haven't. Of course, i had a few he had never heard of either... he's never heard the trapeeze swinger! Man, i am starting to think that you have never heard about life if you haven't listened to that. I know it's not true, but i can't imagine my life without it. Sometimes i find that playing in the back of my head... mostly when i think of summer...
Which is long gone as i can see by the snow on the ground... and i miss it. I am allowed. I don't dwell, but i am allowed to miss it. And that song was kinda the anthem of the summer in my eyes. There were others, but none that i heard that frequently, none that made me look around and see what was really important. It's you, no it's you, no it's us. I'ms really glad they they decided to include me in their lives when it was one of those crucial points. I mean, if they had all snubbed me, i wouldn't know them at all, and their would be no reason to think of them. I'm sure i would prolly be thinking of, my old friends from eigth grade if it wasn't them, but i don't think that would be very good because my friends in eigth grade are so different, i wouldn't even recognize them in the hallway. And from this i realized something, friends come into our lives at all the right times and when they leave it is always the wrong time. I am better friends with some people i have known since the fourth and fifth grade and i could talk to them for hours. Then those that i met in eigth grade of even my freshman sophomore year i can't say more then hello, act crazy for a few hallways and then go off to my respective class. There just isn't enough to go on. History is the thing that makes a friendship. Acquating myself with as many people as possible to try and find the right ones doesn't make any sense to me. I have a history with heidi, i have more than a history, i have a whole life there! As with all my other friends, i have been building. All of my greatest friends in the world, i have spent countless hours logged just lazing about and talking to them when there was a lot to talk about and even some time when there wasn't. Is it any wonder that i have this idea in my head (although it seem hidden sometimes) that i think the true friendships i formed over this summer will last me at least seven years. Why seven? Cause that's me and heidi, and we keep going strong. But the summer seemed so long and although i knew them only a month and 12 days before they left for purdue, it felt like a year. I have hope, this gives me hope, for a future.
I thought about everything for a while and actually had this amazing dream last week where me and brandon went in on this lotto ticket together and we won something like eight million dollars a piece (after taxes and getting it in a lump sum) I dropped out of highschool and got my diploma and i left for seattle. I of course had everyone up for one last huge party and goodbye. So i left and i would fly back down to purdue every once in a while and catch up, go to a party and leave. People would ask me how college was and i would just reply, meh, it's alright, i'm just not there half the time. And everyone would laugh and i wouldn't say anything else. I left and didn't come back for a month and called scott, brandon, and dan and told them that they had to come out and see this place becaues it was too amazing for them not too anymore. I agreed to pay dan and scott's passage, and they took the week off of classes and stayed with me. I had decided to buy a house on campus (if they don't exist, they do in my dreams) and i shared it with two other girls who payed me rent, cause it was a pretty sweet house and i am not that nice. I used the money to buy crap for people at purdue, cigarettes, beer, pizza, condoms, ect. The girls stay at the dorm for a week cause i tell them that their next months rent will be free if they do. I take them around campus and most people say hi to me, i am fairly well known on campus. They love it of course although i am sure that scott is the most taken with the view of mount rainer from the steps of the campus by the library, it really is beautiful. But we return to my house and we see the girls in passing and they invite dan and brandon to their dorm room to get acquainted and listen to music or something, so they go. I sit and talk to scott for a while and this guy comes in who is my boyfriend. I have good taste in dream men. But he comes in and starts talking about the museum in Japan on WWII and how he is worried because there is this one part that the Japanese are disagreeing with and he has to go and solve the issue. He asks me to go with him and i told him not this time. He agrees considering i had already done so much. Then scott gets interested and asks what he is talking about. And my boyfriend says didn't she tell you? She did all the research for this wing of the museum and has done a fantastic job negotiating with the Japanese, she is a masterful speaker. He gives me a kiss and then tells me he'll see me later in the week and that he hopes to meet my old college friends. Scott asks me about the research and i tell him that i went to Japan for interviews with war survivors and learned a lot of the language while i was there. Then i was flown back to the states to recieve a translator and went to Germany. I was there for nearly a month ( i had flown back once to visit them at purdue and then my family, his mom and dad, and brandon). Then i went to ireland, scotland, and whales. That was a little treat to myself for doing all this work. That is when i was gone for the month stretch. I lost tracker of time. Scott was kinda pissed that i went all these places and didn't tell him, let alone not take him. Which is when i told him the university had paid for all of it. Even the irelad scotland and whales portion. He was a little befuddled. Then i let the bomb drop, i went and saw his relatives in germany. He was livid, he hadn't said anything, just the look on his face said it for me. I said that they were the sweetest people i had ever met and they wanted scott to have this since he was the last knevels ever. It was a ring, go figure. He just looked at it and expressed his hurt that i had done so much and had not even gotten a postcard or anything from me since i left for college. Visits, were nice, but not a mention of how my life was going or that i had travled all around the world, nothing. And i apologized but said that it was my life, i didn't have the time or the energy to catch them up on everything all the time. And that he hadn't exactly asked about it when i did see him. He wanted to know if he had to ask out right if i had been to japan to get a straight answer. I said no, but how many times had he called me since i had left? How many efforts did he make? Little or none. Everytime i was the one who made the call. He said there had only been about two of those. Still two more than he even tried to make... and then i woke up.
I hate it that that dream ended on such a sour note. It was such an awesome dream and i loved the way that my life had seemingly turned out. But it made me think (i know, oh no, here she goes again) the way that scott was thinking, is me. They could have gone to Japan and Germany and back and i would have never known. They are out there seeming to have an adventure that i can't and am jealous. They have been able to move away from the nothingness, the already explored territory and i cannot. I am bound here and the only thing i want to do is get out. I am hypocritical in the way that i defend my homeland, but only because if i admit that there is nothing here and it really is useless then i fear that no one will return and keep me company. It is really for a selfish purpose. And i do so hate that when i drive down McKinely past the hummer plant i think of ian, and when i see a 5/3 Bank i think of scott. Don't even get me started on Steak n' Shake. I hate how every street has a memory and i love it just the same. I love being reminded of the great time but hate the emptiness i then feel knowing that they have departed to a bigger life. They never left me, but my heart won't listen sometimes and i then feel abandoned and get pissed off about it. It still happens in short bursts, but i know that is just a part of life. I'll learn to deal with it, and conceal it, and make everyone feel good about it. But i am no magician and this will be no quick change act.
I have to go perform with the morris in a little bit. First i think that i will go to the chocolate cafe. It really is a nice place. I should apply for a job and see if i get accepted. It might be a fun thing to do, screw with my old boss a little bit... tiddle... I really want to crawl back into that sweet little bed of mine and continue my small mini dreams that confuse/sadden/inspire/make me happy. I don't know what it is about those dreams, i just can't get enough of them. But right now i am looking at all the artwork i did in my inspired period this fall... there is a girl there, right in the corner, so dark and she has no eyes. I can feel her staring at me. Or wishing she could, but you can't give those without a soul eyes, it just doesn't go like that. Happy Indicember to all, i wish nothing but the best music for you all day, week, and month around.
posted by chelC | 9:09 AM
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