iT'S BeEn a bAd DaY, aNd aLL i wanT tO Do iS LoOk AT yOu ANd kNoW i'M oKaY
I love how i am updating this yet again. I don't really have a lot of things better to do, i mean i do, but i don't feel like doing them. confused? I didn't think so.
Dan closed down his blog this past day and i commend him for it. It really was a beautiful thing to leave unmarred. A bookmark in his life. Like a chapter that has ended yet has hits of reffering back to that text. I mean, where did i enter the picture, right in there somewhere. And i am in no way going to be forgotten. Please! I am better than that, you know it, don't lie to yourself. End!
I love this poem. I must have read it ten thousand bagillion times. And everytime i put it up as an away message i have to read it once more. It's just one of those things that i can't let go of. Read it for yourself:
I'm Dancing", by: Sara Ray
I'm dancingCan you see me as I waltz in the courtyard? I'm balancing on the brink of tango I know you won't join me in my make believe A world where I can feel the glass slippers, and taste the rose's stem But at least watch me, watch me now, watch me free I am wild, untouchable, undiscovered I am yours, or could be I am alone and the dance is silentI hear the music, as do you Won't you come out from behind the wall Come onto the floor Twirl me round dizzy Lift me high above this earth Let me rest in your arms and be guided by your eyes Let's Mambo and Swing and Charleston You'll never forget the steps You've never forgotten me Do I trip you up sometimes? No, I figured not So come out of the shadows Where you stand so silent Where you contemplate me, and my reason, and my ballet You question my smile my ambition my curiosity And I wonder why. I'm only dancing.
I want that to happen... whoops, left the ittalics on. But yea, i really wish that would happen to me. I sometimes feel that someone has stood in the shadows silent and contemplated me. I don't understand why. I am only dancing... I will never be able to explain what those words mean to me. Quiet understanding and someone so nailing the way that you are without ever really knowing you is one of the greatest things to feel. I only wish i had that kind of effect on people. Maybe someday. I am still waiting.
The end of this week cannot come fast enough. The only thing that i dread is the thought that i have a ton of shit to do and the culmination of that falls on me next weekend... hmm.. bad sign? I think i am reading into it a little much. The best thing though, will be the sigh of relief i will let out when the time is over. I mean, i am only two papers, five tests, one project, a study guide plus six more a speaking and writing final away from relaxation. Yea... stick a lump of coal up my ass for this week and by christmas we will have a 25 fucking karot diamond. Plus work on top of all of that.. damn i am bitchy!! hehe. It really wish i was feeling more pressure than this.. i fear that my grades may be in jeopardy!
And here is the thing that i come back to time and time again, why do i need to have straight A's? What is the thing that drives me to do this? Is it really so bad that i don't have a 3.975 GPA? not really. there is nothing wrong with that and still, here i am and i will be fretting over this nonsense for another year or so. If i want to go to purdue i am in, if i so choose IU i'm in.. what is the big deal? Maybe i want to go far away... isn't that what everyone wants? If i could go to UW my freshman year, you bet your sweet ass i would be there in a second. Maybe that is what it is. I dream of a better farther away place. But i am perfectly content to stay here and not feel so shitty. Ahh the dream of a beautiful place far away in the mountains. Then i know that everything would be okay.
Do you ever have the feeling that tomorrow has the potential to be one of the worst days of your life? I am starting to get that now. School all day, and then work until ten. And i miss everyone a lot. And i miss all the fun i used to have. Where did that go? Sucked up into the vaccum of school. At least i won't be vegging on the internet this week. College finals officially start tomorrow for some of my dearest friends. And that totally blows, but at least they will be over in a week... *sigh* i just want to fast foreward through this time in my life... it will be better in a week. That's all that i need to tell myself.. one week... one week...
Until then... i think that i am going to head out into the wild wilderness that is life... it's been a bad day, there will be many more to come in the coming days. Ten to be exact. All i want is to look at you an know i am okay. But i cannot see you behind those paines of mirrors. My face is no comfort, it only tells me what i must face still. I do not want to look into the near future. The tasks that are at hand. I want to look over the mountains and feel that i have traveled. That i have loved and that i now may rest my head on your chest and take delight in each breath not gasp for more air. I want to sleep and know that no morning waits to challenge my existance and i can let my hand release to stop cramping... to stop fighting.. i wait for that sweet release.
Dan closed down his blog this past day and i commend him for it. It really was a beautiful thing to leave unmarred. A bookmark in his life. Like a chapter that has ended yet has hits of reffering back to that text. I mean, where did i enter the picture, right in there somewhere. And i am in no way going to be forgotten. Please! I am better than that, you know it, don't lie to yourself. End!
I love this poem. I must have read it ten thousand bagillion times. And everytime i put it up as an away message i have to read it once more. It's just one of those things that i can't let go of. Read it for yourself:
I'm Dancing", by: Sara Ray
I'm dancingCan you see me as I waltz in the courtyard? I'm balancing on the brink of tango I know you won't join me in my make believe A world where I can feel the glass slippers, and taste the rose's stem But at least watch me, watch me now, watch me free I am wild, untouchable, undiscovered I am yours, or could be I am alone and the dance is silentI hear the music, as do you Won't you come out from behind the wall Come onto the floor Twirl me round dizzy Lift me high above this earth Let me rest in your arms and be guided by your eyes Let's Mambo and Swing and Charleston You'll never forget the steps You've never forgotten me Do I trip you up sometimes? No, I figured not So come out of the shadows Where you stand so silent Where you contemplate me, and my reason, and my ballet You question my smile my ambition my curiosity And I wonder why. I'm only dancing.
I want that to happen... whoops, left the ittalics on. But yea, i really wish that would happen to me. I sometimes feel that someone has stood in the shadows silent and contemplated me. I don't understand why. I am only dancing... I will never be able to explain what those words mean to me. Quiet understanding and someone so nailing the way that you are without ever really knowing you is one of the greatest things to feel. I only wish i had that kind of effect on people. Maybe someday. I am still waiting.
The end of this week cannot come fast enough. The only thing that i dread is the thought that i have a ton of shit to do and the culmination of that falls on me next weekend... hmm.. bad sign? I think i am reading into it a little much. The best thing though, will be the sigh of relief i will let out when the time is over. I mean, i am only two papers, five tests, one project, a study guide plus six more a speaking and writing final away from relaxation. Yea... stick a lump of coal up my ass for this week and by christmas we will have a 25 fucking karot diamond. Plus work on top of all of that.. damn i am bitchy!! hehe. It really wish i was feeling more pressure than this.. i fear that my grades may be in jeopardy!
And here is the thing that i come back to time and time again, why do i need to have straight A's? What is the thing that drives me to do this? Is it really so bad that i don't have a 3.975 GPA? not really. there is nothing wrong with that and still, here i am and i will be fretting over this nonsense for another year or so. If i want to go to purdue i am in, if i so choose IU i'm in.. what is the big deal? Maybe i want to go far away... isn't that what everyone wants? If i could go to UW my freshman year, you bet your sweet ass i would be there in a second. Maybe that is what it is. I dream of a better farther away place. But i am perfectly content to stay here and not feel so shitty. Ahh the dream of a beautiful place far away in the mountains. Then i know that everything would be okay.
Do you ever have the feeling that tomorrow has the potential to be one of the worst days of your life? I am starting to get that now. School all day, and then work until ten. And i miss everyone a lot. And i miss all the fun i used to have. Where did that go? Sucked up into the vaccum of school. At least i won't be vegging on the internet this week. College finals officially start tomorrow for some of my dearest friends. And that totally blows, but at least they will be over in a week... *sigh* i just want to fast foreward through this time in my life... it will be better in a week. That's all that i need to tell myself.. one week... one week...
Until then... i think that i am going to head out into the wild wilderness that is life... it's been a bad day, there will be many more to come in the coming days. Ten to be exact. All i want is to look at you an know i am okay. But i cannot see you behind those paines of mirrors. My face is no comfort, it only tells me what i must face still. I do not want to look into the near future. The tasks that are at hand. I want to look over the mountains and feel that i have traveled. That i have loved and that i now may rest my head on your chest and take delight in each breath not gasp for more air. I want to sleep and know that no morning waits to challenge my existance and i can let my hand release to stop cramping... to stop fighting.. i wait for that sweet release.
posted by chelC | 9:03 PM
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