hE dOeSn'T waNT hER bUT hE jUSt wOn'T LeT hER gO... ShE sTArtEd BreaKin BUT She sTiLL WoN't Let iT ShoW

It's been a long couple of days. My life here in Granger is winding down and that is so weird to say.

First of all, the worst news came to all of us two days ago. Matt Patterson passed away. It was something that we all kinda knew, but something i guess i would never have to come to terms with. David told me and it didn't really register. I didn't cry. I just sat in silence on the phone with him trying to find the emotion that i was feeling and i couldn't find any... I was numb. I wasn't happy, sad, mad, anything, i was just trying to put into meaning everything that David was saying. It wasn't until i hung up the phone, thought of the times i spent with him and realized that i would never see him again that i started to cry. I am never going to hear his voice, hear him laugh, watch him play tennis, see him, ever again. This has to be so devastating for his family. I wasn't that amazingly close to him, but i am still going to miss him with every ounce of my body. He was my friend.

I feel kinda like Enya did on Buffy the Vampire Slayer when Buffy's mom died. I don't understand why he can't just open his eyes and talk to me and laugh and joke and walk around. I know why, but it seems like such a simple task that he can never do again. How must it feel to have your last heart beat. ... i wonder if in his last breaths he knew that's what they would be. I just wish he could open his eyes and not be dead, be there, here, where he should be. At least i have the comfort of knowing that he is at peace, there is no suffering where he is now. That is the only comfort.

And with all of this, life does not stop to let me catch my breath. If anything it is hurtling me even faster towards my future and me leaving this place. I have six days. That's all. I will say goodbye to the friends that love me and have been there for me and i will leave. Pack my things, and walk out of my house and not come back. Holidays and everything, i'll be here. I just wonder if it will ever be the same. I imagine not. I am going to be thrown into a different kind of learning environment. But i have a feeling that I will succeed. I will be the strong and find myself there, in everything that i do.

I watched Garden State today. I've tried over the past few months, but i have found it boring, and it just doesn't keep my interest, but today, was a different day. I found myself captivated again, as if i was seeing for the first time. You have to be in the right mood to appreciate that movie. And i do. Zac Braff, I love you.

Two years ago when i said my goodbyes due to college, it was so very different than what i do now. Last night was much like every other night. I hung out with David. He came over after work and we ate pizza, we sat in the rain and talked like we always do. I love him. He is such a great friend. We have an unspoken language. That's something that i cherish. Heidi came over, and it was kinda weird. Different. It will never be the same.

Tonight, i rested, as always. I imagine that david will call when he is off of work, and something will happen. Tomorrow, i hang with suz and hopefully hit the SNS with Dan and Kurt. Tuesday, i don't know yet, Wednesday Chicago, Thursday, my partay. Life will be good that day. And Friday i will pack with David, take a short time out to visit my co-workers for the last time, and then proceed to get pretty drunk with David.

I leave Saturday .
I wrote a post two years ago saying goodbye. Reading it now almost breaks my heart. It was so long ago. It's beauty and emotion and everything that i know i am. I was more honest then than ever in my life. What i said about those people is still true.
My god we have grown up. Become the people that we are going to be and still changing.
I wonder when my life will have stability.