ThEn i KnOW EvERythiNG iS gOin to Be ALLrighT
It has been quite the longest time since i posted on this. I remember when i would religiously post at least once a month. That time has long since past. I just can't find the heart to write on here that often. And with life being as busy as it has been the past couple months, i just couldn't do it. I was too busy just enjoying life. But now summer has set in and i have a lot of time on my hands and this is a very very bad thing.
During summer i feel like i want to share my life with someone. I have far too much time on my hands and all that i want to do is share it with one other person. I want to make another person happy like i have done so many times before. My idea of a good time is laying in the middle of nowhere holding someone's hand because that makes them happy, or whatever would make them happy. Back massage, running my hands through their hair, whatever.
Unfortunately i have built myself into a freindship fort and there is not chance of a lover getting anywhere close to me. All of my relationships this year have been safe. I have been in no real danger of getting my heart broken by connecting with people that are not attractive to me. At least not in a way in which i would anything more than friendship out of them. It's funny how that seemed to be all that i could do, now i couldn't do it to save my life. Then again, i am not that girl any more.
It's funny because i say that and i don't know if it's altogether true. I mean, i'm not. I have a year of experiences under my belt and i have learned so much about myself. About the people who are standing next to me that i didn't know their names, now, we're the best of friends. But i can read something, something i may have read a thousand times and i am not chelsea 18 years old and heading right in the direction for college. I am chelsea of a mild age, 16 and i am falling in love for the second time. Then the tape fst forewards and i see the destruction of some of my friends lives. The dangerous paths of drug abuse, the lost and mistaken lovers, the depression, the leaving, the untriuphant homecoming, the cancer and death that lurkes around every corner....
I want nothing more than Matt Patterson to be well again. I am not a strong christian, i do not pray, but i pray for him. Why should other people be out there wasting their lives, smoking, slowly killing themselves when all that Matt wants to do is live? He wants to grow old and have a job, a wife, children, a family. People who are wasting their livlihood, telling themselves that they are the unfortunate ones piss me off in a very real sense now. He will never come to another cotton fest and fall to the ground with me and grab my boob maybe a hundred time, "accidentally" trying to get back on his feet. He won't spray beer on anyone and then get punched in the face and not know why. And that is unfair, because he doesn't deserve this. I could name a few that might... but i am not god, nor do i get to be the final judge. I just wish people would see what is right in front of them.
I can't wish my life any different right now. I am healthy, i am alive, and i am loved. It is a fragile type of love. I have to fight for it all the time. But i would rather be fighting than being alone. I remember a type of serious net of love in which i never doubted for a minute that they would be there for me. This was of course too long ago to say.
High school is only four years long, but it feel like an entire life time. When i imagine how i started, and how i ended, i feel like it was my entire life. It was the thing that shaped me into the individual that i am and will be for a very long time. I think of all the shit, all the times i spent crying, and i wouldn't have it back. Thinking about crying feels good at this moment at 12:30 in the morning. Crying in the bathroom. Crying while writing letters. Crying while finding the people i loved were dying. Crying all alone because i just didn't know how else to be. Because life doesn't make sense. Because life was that beautiful. Because that song touched me in a way that no other words could. Becuase i watched a piece of me slowly drift away. Because crying is a natural human emotion in a raw and clear sense and it is something that i don't understand. Tears come to my eyes and there is a release of some chemical in my head that continues to cause me the most kind of personal pain that just won't end, or makes me feel better than anything else. It's why you have to love a good cry, and hate it too.
I want to go to New Haven again because i finally felt free. HAHALLHLAHLAHL. If i could have had the courage to jump off of that dock and float into the infinity of Lake Michigan, life ..... it would have been glorious.
Life.
Life.
That four letter word, says so little about what it really is.
Life.
During summer i feel like i want to share my life with someone. I have far too much time on my hands and all that i want to do is share it with one other person. I want to make another person happy like i have done so many times before. My idea of a good time is laying in the middle of nowhere holding someone's hand because that makes them happy, or whatever would make them happy. Back massage, running my hands through their hair, whatever.
Unfortunately i have built myself into a freindship fort and there is not chance of a lover getting anywhere close to me. All of my relationships this year have been safe. I have been in no real danger of getting my heart broken by connecting with people that are not attractive to me. At least not in a way in which i would anything more than friendship out of them. It's funny how that seemed to be all that i could do, now i couldn't do it to save my life. Then again, i am not that girl any more.
It's funny because i say that and i don't know if it's altogether true. I mean, i'm not. I have a year of experiences under my belt and i have learned so much about myself. About the people who are standing next to me that i didn't know their names, now, we're the best of friends. But i can read something, something i may have read a thousand times and i am not chelsea 18 years old and heading right in the direction for college. I am chelsea of a mild age, 16 and i am falling in love for the second time. Then the tape fst forewards and i see the destruction of some of my friends lives. The dangerous paths of drug abuse, the lost and mistaken lovers, the depression, the leaving, the untriuphant homecoming, the cancer and death that lurkes around every corner....
I want nothing more than Matt Patterson to be well again. I am not a strong christian, i do not pray, but i pray for him. Why should other people be out there wasting their lives, smoking, slowly killing themselves when all that Matt wants to do is live? He wants to grow old and have a job, a wife, children, a family. People who are wasting their livlihood, telling themselves that they are the unfortunate ones piss me off in a very real sense now. He will never come to another cotton fest and fall to the ground with me and grab my boob maybe a hundred time, "accidentally" trying to get back on his feet. He won't spray beer on anyone and then get punched in the face and not know why. And that is unfair, because he doesn't deserve this. I could name a few that might... but i am not god, nor do i get to be the final judge. I just wish people would see what is right in front of them.
I can't wish my life any different right now. I am healthy, i am alive, and i am loved. It is a fragile type of love. I have to fight for it all the time. But i would rather be fighting than being alone. I remember a type of serious net of love in which i never doubted for a minute that they would be there for me. This was of course too long ago to say.
High school is only four years long, but it feel like an entire life time. When i imagine how i started, and how i ended, i feel like it was my entire life. It was the thing that shaped me into the individual that i am and will be for a very long time. I think of all the shit, all the times i spent crying, and i wouldn't have it back. Thinking about crying feels good at this moment at 12:30 in the morning. Crying in the bathroom. Crying while writing letters. Crying while finding the people i loved were dying. Crying all alone because i just didn't know how else to be. Because life doesn't make sense. Because life was that beautiful. Because that song touched me in a way that no other words could. Becuase i watched a piece of me slowly drift away. Because crying is a natural human emotion in a raw and clear sense and it is something that i don't understand. Tears come to my eyes and there is a release of some chemical in my head that continues to cause me the most kind of personal pain that just won't end, or makes me feel better than anything else. It's why you have to love a good cry, and hate it too.
I want to go to New Haven again because i finally felt free. HAHALLHLAHLAHL. If i could have had the courage to jump off of that dock and float into the infinity of Lake Michigan, life ..... it would have been glorious.
Life.
Life.
That four letter word, says so little about what it really is.
Life.
posted by chelC | 12:10 AM
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