WhAt is ReAL? JuSt A DrEaM?
It's been a very long time. Hate to keep all of you waiting in such suspense of my next writings. Life has been as interesting as it gets. I have spent this sunday, among other things, reflecting, dreaming, and taking a deep breath. Just remembering who it is that i am and why it is that i am where i am.
The musical just finished, finally. I really loved the people. The play became a routine of sorts, and i never thought i would make even more friends than i had. I just didn't plan it, and the best things are when you don't plan. Now i have underclassmen that i am going to need to check up on next year. Sweet things. Mia is adorable, as is Lindsay. Sometimes the most surprising things come into fruitation when you never expect them. It's the last week two weeks of show that i realize, wow, they make me smile.
I think that's what i have been longing to find for such a long while, just people who make you smile. I don't think i have been happier, ever that in this past month of life. No, i haven't had any one to kiss me on the lips and tell me they love me, but i have had at least twenty who kissed me on the cheek, held my hand, gave me a hug, and told me that they love me and are proud of me. That's love, and that's friendship and that's all that i am ever going to look for. Should the rest follow, let it follow, i'm not going to do anything to change the track of fate that i am on, becuase fate has been doing pretty good for me as of late.
Last night was the cast party and then everyone spent the night at Cera's house. The bowling alley was of course fun. There were the traditional theater dances. I liked that sincerely, and the bowling was fun too. I suck, and i can deal with that. Cera's was also really fun. I sat at the kitchen table with evan talking and then Cha'ves came in and we all laughed loud and together. I ate cheesy popcorn, laughed, drank finding nemo water and laughed even harder. I love every minute. Then there was a lot of traipsing back and forth between the living room upstairs and the basement. The kids in the basement were so loud and it was six in the morning and i wanted to sleep so we finally rested upstairs. I slept in between Evan and Lindsay. We laughed together then fell asleep, and were really happy about it. David slept on the couch above us, poor sick kid. I woke up this morning and felt really happy to be waking up with the people i was with. I looked at the ceiling for a good five minutes and recollected the entire nights events and realize there are no better friends than the ones that i had around me. They like me who i am all of the time. I don't have to try, i don't have to be full of lots of energy, i don't have to be happy or sad for them to love me. All of my emotions work for them and it's the same with me.
My only regret about this whole thing, is that it's happening so late again. Just when i meet all these people they aren't going to be right there any more. And it's not them leaving me anymore, i'm leaving them. And you know, it doesn't feel any better to be the one leaving them behind, than the one that is leaving. I am torn, i want to stay, but i know that i have to go. I guess this is what my friends must have felt like. It hurts worse to know, it's for the best.
I decided that i like good music no matter if it is created by Fall Out Boy or whomever. A song is good, the artist does not make it good. Iron and wine might be amazing, but they can still have a song that sucks, just like Green Day may suck, but they can have a great song. I am not going to judge music by artist, by acessibility, but by merit. Is it pleasing? You can disagree with me, i won't stop you, but i won't change my perspective.
I have wasted a lot of my life being sad. I don't want to be sad anymore. I wasted a lot of my life hating a lot of people, looking down on life and how horrible it is. I denounced my existance because it made it easier to live. I made situations more complicated than they needed to be. Now, i have nothing to show for that. I have been open honest, and better in the last school year, i have changed for the better. The dark shadow of my past is gone. It has been cast out by the light of amazing people that i would have thrown away for reasons unfounded.
I don't care where i go for college next year. Either place will be good because i am going to meet the people that i want to. Who share my general loves. I will travel, i will achieve everything that i want to.
Whether i write in this ever again, or whether i never touch these digital pages again, i do not know. Right now i feel like the girl who used to write here, doesn't exist anymore. Look back to two years ago, i am not her, in shades of different colors. I am not dying of heartache. I am not waiting for him anymore. There are better things in the world that i have just not realized until life forced me to open my eyes, look around, and see all the beautiful things i had been missing.
I am so happy to be free.
The musical just finished, finally. I really loved the people. The play became a routine of sorts, and i never thought i would make even more friends than i had. I just didn't plan it, and the best things are when you don't plan. Now i have underclassmen that i am going to need to check up on next year. Sweet things. Mia is adorable, as is Lindsay. Sometimes the most surprising things come into fruitation when you never expect them. It's the last week two weeks of show that i realize, wow, they make me smile.
I think that's what i have been longing to find for such a long while, just people who make you smile. I don't think i have been happier, ever that in this past month of life. No, i haven't had any one to kiss me on the lips and tell me they love me, but i have had at least twenty who kissed me on the cheek, held my hand, gave me a hug, and told me that they love me and are proud of me. That's love, and that's friendship and that's all that i am ever going to look for. Should the rest follow, let it follow, i'm not going to do anything to change the track of fate that i am on, becuase fate has been doing pretty good for me as of late.
Last night was the cast party and then everyone spent the night at Cera's house. The bowling alley was of course fun. There were the traditional theater dances. I liked that sincerely, and the bowling was fun too. I suck, and i can deal with that. Cera's was also really fun. I sat at the kitchen table with evan talking and then Cha'ves came in and we all laughed loud and together. I ate cheesy popcorn, laughed, drank finding nemo water and laughed even harder. I love every minute. Then there was a lot of traipsing back and forth between the living room upstairs and the basement. The kids in the basement were so loud and it was six in the morning and i wanted to sleep so we finally rested upstairs. I slept in between Evan and Lindsay. We laughed together then fell asleep, and were really happy about it. David slept on the couch above us, poor sick kid. I woke up this morning and felt really happy to be waking up with the people i was with. I looked at the ceiling for a good five minutes and recollected the entire nights events and realize there are no better friends than the ones that i had around me. They like me who i am all of the time. I don't have to try, i don't have to be full of lots of energy, i don't have to be happy or sad for them to love me. All of my emotions work for them and it's the same with me.
My only regret about this whole thing, is that it's happening so late again. Just when i meet all these people they aren't going to be right there any more. And it's not them leaving me anymore, i'm leaving them. And you know, it doesn't feel any better to be the one leaving them behind, than the one that is leaving. I am torn, i want to stay, but i know that i have to go. I guess this is what my friends must have felt like. It hurts worse to know, it's for the best.
I decided that i like good music no matter if it is created by Fall Out Boy or whomever. A song is good, the artist does not make it good. Iron and wine might be amazing, but they can still have a song that sucks, just like Green Day may suck, but they can have a great song. I am not going to judge music by artist, by acessibility, but by merit. Is it pleasing? You can disagree with me, i won't stop you, but i won't change my perspective.
I have wasted a lot of my life being sad. I don't want to be sad anymore. I wasted a lot of my life hating a lot of people, looking down on life and how horrible it is. I denounced my existance because it made it easier to live. I made situations more complicated than they needed to be. Now, i have nothing to show for that. I have been open honest, and better in the last school year, i have changed for the better. The dark shadow of my past is gone. It has been cast out by the light of amazing people that i would have thrown away for reasons unfounded.
I don't care where i go for college next year. Either place will be good because i am going to meet the people that i want to. Who share my general loves. I will travel, i will achieve everything that i want to.
Whether i write in this ever again, or whether i never touch these digital pages again, i do not know. Right now i feel like the girl who used to write here, doesn't exist anymore. Look back to two years ago, i am not her, in shades of different colors. I am not dying of heartache. I am not waiting for him anymore. There are better things in the world that i have just not realized until life forced me to open my eyes, look around, and see all the beautiful things i had been missing.
I am so happy to be free.
posted by chelC | 8:28 PM
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