whO's GoNNa WaTCh yOU diE
This was no doubt one of the longest and yet shortest days of my entire life.
I don't understand how i can start the day is such disarray, go to a funeral and proceed to cry my eyes out, get mad and pissed off and have a fight, then have a bunch of fun catching up, then settling down and enjoy a nice chat, laugh my ass off, and then just get sleepy and head to my room. It has been the most emotionally rollercoaster of a day... ever.
Matt's funeral was today. I thought it was a good service although i wished that there had been more talking about matt and less of the bible. But that was just me and this was a catholic mass... oh those crazy catholics.
I am going to miss him, more than i may have ever realized. Just that he won't be there, and that now he is supposed to be watching over me. I don't like cancer, and i still don't understand why him. And i don't think i ever will. No one really understands God's plan. Sometimes i think even god doesn't have any idea what it is that he does.
I saw Scott today, hugged Scott today. First day in almost a year. Every spark that ever had been there, is just kinda gone. I looked at him from across the church for a good minute and just tried to think "why did i like him, why was he always there...?" and it's gone from me now. Some things in our memory will always just be a perfect image and we will do anything to achieve something close to that perfection again. But if we could just take a minute out, look with our eyes at what it was we had, we'd realize it wasn't so perfect after all. I didn't really talk to him, i don't know if i really have anything in common with him anymore. He has the same voice, with an altogether new perspecitve for me. But Whit says he's an asshole, and he was before. He tried to get Cotton to make me cry by calling me fat today, which i'm sure he would say he was joking about. John didn't do it. Good guy. But, it seems kinda childish to me, to do that. The only thing we seemed to have in common were friends, and a mutual love from the rough paths we had tred alone and together. Maybe i'll talk to him again one day and see that perfection again. But i don't think i care if i ever do. If i never saw him again, i feel like it would affect me very little. And that worries me. How much have i honestly changed? or is it just him that's change?
Which brings up a good point, John Cotton. He has vastly changed in my perspective. He is just a good guy, who seems to do good by the world, like some kind of light shines through him and makes him move. What he says is totally politically incorrect and even sacriligious, but it is absolutely hilarious and i don't care. He just can get away with it cause he's John. I owe him a lot for hosting all of the parties he has and given me memories i can never forget. He also gave me the opportunity to see Matt a lot more than i ever would have on my own accord. Plus he came to my party today and said goodbye to me. And that really does mean a lot. So thank you Johnny C. For being such an awesome person.
I leave granger soon. I am going to miss everyone so incredibly much. This summer flew by and they will get no longer. So here's to it all. Everyone who came around and reminded me they were my freinds. I am going to go in peace now and continue this crazy journey of life and enjoy loving it. I am freer after today, and i don't think i'll ever look back now. The past is the past, and that's just where is has to stay.
I don't understand how i can start the day is such disarray, go to a funeral and proceed to cry my eyes out, get mad and pissed off and have a fight, then have a bunch of fun catching up, then settling down and enjoy a nice chat, laugh my ass off, and then just get sleepy and head to my room. It has been the most emotionally rollercoaster of a day... ever.
Matt's funeral was today. I thought it was a good service although i wished that there had been more talking about matt and less of the bible. But that was just me and this was a catholic mass... oh those crazy catholics.
I am going to miss him, more than i may have ever realized. Just that he won't be there, and that now he is supposed to be watching over me. I don't like cancer, and i still don't understand why him. And i don't think i ever will. No one really understands God's plan. Sometimes i think even god doesn't have any idea what it is that he does.
I saw Scott today, hugged Scott today. First day in almost a year. Every spark that ever had been there, is just kinda gone. I looked at him from across the church for a good minute and just tried to think "why did i like him, why was he always there...?" and it's gone from me now. Some things in our memory will always just be a perfect image and we will do anything to achieve something close to that perfection again. But if we could just take a minute out, look with our eyes at what it was we had, we'd realize it wasn't so perfect after all. I didn't really talk to him, i don't know if i really have anything in common with him anymore. He has the same voice, with an altogether new perspecitve for me. But Whit says he's an asshole, and he was before. He tried to get Cotton to make me cry by calling me fat today, which i'm sure he would say he was joking about. John didn't do it. Good guy. But, it seems kinda childish to me, to do that. The only thing we seemed to have in common were friends, and a mutual love from the rough paths we had tred alone and together. Maybe i'll talk to him again one day and see that perfection again. But i don't think i care if i ever do. If i never saw him again, i feel like it would affect me very little. And that worries me. How much have i honestly changed? or is it just him that's change?
Which brings up a good point, John Cotton. He has vastly changed in my perspective. He is just a good guy, who seems to do good by the world, like some kind of light shines through him and makes him move. What he says is totally politically incorrect and even sacriligious, but it is absolutely hilarious and i don't care. He just can get away with it cause he's John. I owe him a lot for hosting all of the parties he has and given me memories i can never forget. He also gave me the opportunity to see Matt a lot more than i ever would have on my own accord. Plus he came to my party today and said goodbye to me. And that really does mean a lot. So thank you Johnny C. For being such an awesome person.
I leave granger soon. I am going to miss everyone so incredibly much. This summer flew by and they will get no longer. So here's to it all. Everyone who came around and reminded me they were my freinds. I am going to go in peace now and continue this crazy journey of life and enjoy loving it. I am freer after today, and i don't think i'll ever look back now. The past is the past, and that's just where is has to stay.
posted by chelC | 2:09 AM
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