sOme TimEs, tHe tHiNG yOu WaNT fiRsT neVeR comES...
i'll put a spell on you, and when i wake you, i'll be the first thing you see. And you'll realize that you want me...
Fairly self explanatory. People want what they want and there is no way around it. It's something you just have to realize as you get older. You don't get what you want. And when i say you, do i really mean all of you? No, not really. It's everyone around you that will get what they want and you will be left with an open hand saying "what the fuck". Everyone has that bit of dreamer in them however, and how wonderful it would be if we could just put a spell on them and they would fall asleep and the first thing they see is you and then they automatically love you. Alas, these fairy tale buisnesses, they do not amount to anything in the slightest. Best just leave them alone to stew about themselves.
Today, we had this big reading thing in Seminar. We first, or course, did a journal entry and it was about a time in our lives that we did not act. Something we wanted to do and we held back and why we think that we did. I didn't think that i wrote anything spectacular although the words did kind of just flow from me. I felt quesy as i first wrote and became more and more strong as the piece went on. Then when we came to large group, we were supposed to dicuss these pieces. Mmmmm, no. Alix was talking about how she really liked what she did and i said i would let her read mine if i could read hers. Childish, i know, but we trade and hers was alright. No better than mine, no worse but she turned a little pink and said "Wow, that was good. I wouldn't have let you read mine if i had known that." I still don't understand. Then again, when did i ever. I suppose it would be a good thing that i have more missed opportunities... But in that large group we read something, i think it was by hemmingway. I am not sure, one of the modern writers. And it was all about aprehensiveness. The missed, the waiting because we always believe there is time, ect. I just, it made me a little cold and made me love my class at the same time. No matter who it was, we all have that story of wanting to do something, make a move, say the important, and we don't. I am not alone.
Today i definately ate dinner with heidi and i missed talking to her. We have the most important conversations and it's completely equal. First thing we went over was how unimportant the idea of premarital sex was. I don't care if she has sex before she gets married as she doesn't care with me. It's just something that we feel will happen. It's just one of those things. I am not gonna run out and find a guy to bang, but i understand that someday i will meet someone and have sex with them, it will of course mean something, but that mean doesn't have to be marriage. Are we sluts? No, just realists. That and also my relationships with my guys friends, namly Dan, Scott, Brandon, and Ian. She said something that just made me feel good to be me. " You would never be friends with jerks, you surround yourself with thoughtful intelligent people. That's what makes it so hard." She always knew me better than i knew myself. Thank god.
I was able at this moment to step outside of myself and look in. I rarely get this opportunity and i take full advantage. We talked about what the unconcious was and i have a lot of that although it is certainly becoming more of a concious. I now have to beat back the thoughts and it really isnt a mystery to me anymore. So i will have a couple of moments of honesty and this isn't made to make anyone feel bad or get people pissed off, even though, it prolly will. I'll adress that later though. So first of all, i really hate the way that brandon convinces me that i am not as good as friends with scott and dan. It very well may true, in fact, prolly is, but i don't need that thought bashed into my skull all the time. When i hear the same story of how scott said something to him about breaking his bounds as to how good a human being is and brandon raising the bar of respect, i honestly let it get to me. He always brings up the fact that he has known dan for, oh what twelve years or some other ridiculous amount of time. That is jealousy. Plain and simple, and please people, don't tell me to not be jealous, at least i am able to realize this stuff. Let the statements fall where they may. Hmmm.. that and the fact that i am not allowed to know who laurie and gwendolyn are. I would really like a face or a tone of voice or something to match the stories i have heard. I also wonder if they even know that i exist. That's just curiosity. And i don't even know that i want to meet them. That might be really cool. I know that i never will. Even the idea would be cool. I am going to have to work on this unconcious life of mine. I encourage others to do the same.
What is it wednesday? Man the week went so friggin fast and now i don't have school until monday. That really does make me pleased. And i know myself now that i get really paranoid and very lonely when scott goes back down to purdue. This time it was not intensified because we had a bad parting but intesified because i was also saying goodbye to ian. And for the first two days, i felt like shit and little things kept flickering my memory and i was a mess. Not crying terrible mess or anything as such, i was just so memorable and could focus on anything. The mind does tend to wander, conversations, life and the like. Terrible thing emotion, it can rip people to shreds, you know? I am sure you have ripped by emotions. I am getting over it now. It always takes about two three days. Good thing i didn't say anything to anyone, that could have been disasterous. Go figure, something good happend when i kept my mouth shut, no regret.
Now on and on i go. I feel very free and not bad today. I like the thought of alix being able to trust me with anything and the fact that she thinks we have become such good friends makes me believe it. I really want to and i do. I need more friends like that. We can talk about anything and have completely separate lives and trust whatever the other says. I need more relationships with guys that are like that. I mean i have david, but no one else. I am seriously starting to buy into that whole, men and women can't be friends because one always wants to bang the other. It just doesn't work. I'll put in a little more effort, but i don't know how long i can last.
Dan, i hope that you are doing okay. A million hugs go out all over the world and if i had friends who were older and went to IU i would make them give you hugs whenever they saw you on campus, i still haven't been able to do it yet though, DAMN! Seriously, i have been thinking about this enough, or a lot. And here is what i have come up with, she loves you. Yup, profound i know. If i could see into the future and saw how this played out, i would tell you if you wanted me to, but i can't and i don't know that you would want that anyway. So here is the only piece of information i can give you, be patient. Scott you can take this advice too although you already follow it. Someday you will be loved. I mean you already are, but someday the object of your affection will blindly love you back. How do i know? I fucking do. I do. I do. I jut fucking do. Don't ask a question. You can't question a faith. It's not built on the fact and reasoning that our group of friends so loves to base every conversation we have on. It is faith, the thing that wars are fought for, millions are spent on, and i base my life on. I could be wrong, but so could you. Back to the point at hand dan, i know that you love her, it's evident in you voice and every thing you have written about her. She could be nothing less than beautiful. She'd be a fool not to love you. Alas we live in a world of fools. Perhaps she is not one of them.
One other thing that heidi brought to my attention that makes me understand things fairly well. Or better than i did before anyway. She said that she is attracted to Nave because he is mysterious. She likes the idea of getting to know all about him and find out if he has feelings for her in return which is what the hardest part is. And the mystery is the best thing. And i too am a sucker for mystery. She loves what she has already found out and wants to know more, as much as she can. This too describes me to a T. I can't believe it and then i can at the same time. She is able to describe herself and also me, we are too much alike. Is it ever a wonder that we have fallen for the same guys and they have fallen for both of us in return. Not really.
There is so much that i still want to say. There is so much that i still want to know, but not rerally. I am trying to let go a little bit. You know, bend like a rubber band. You have to stretch to make things work. Friendships and the like. I need to and feel like i am taking one giant step backwards and i need it. Being too close to other people, you bump elbows a lot. They have other friends, i do too. They have problems of their own, so do i. I love them with the same love and affection though the be what hundred and some miles away? But on an everyday life basis, i am not there and they are not here. They need me? You can bet your ass i would be right there. I am not however be on them all the time for attention and shower them with it either. I need to focus on my local ties first. They are here and i can not wait for college, and escaping, but i am not going to run, not yet.
So perhaps the first thing i want never comes. And the last thing i want comes in first. That might be the story of my life. It can't be that bad. I am only human, i can't have the perfect life and i can't get what i want. I have to have perspective and realize even perspective is skewed. I keep the things i need close. I haven't always, but i do now. And the things that i don't want aren't close, they are literally inside of me. All of the hate emotions and other ones that only lead to destructiveness. It's a sad thing, but i feel them. Right about there. And that is why everyone has the unconcious, we have to keep them hidden, it's our sacred duty as humans.
Fairly self explanatory. People want what they want and there is no way around it. It's something you just have to realize as you get older. You don't get what you want. And when i say you, do i really mean all of you? No, not really. It's everyone around you that will get what they want and you will be left with an open hand saying "what the fuck". Everyone has that bit of dreamer in them however, and how wonderful it would be if we could just put a spell on them and they would fall asleep and the first thing they see is you and then they automatically love you. Alas, these fairy tale buisnesses, they do not amount to anything in the slightest. Best just leave them alone to stew about themselves.
Today, we had this big reading thing in Seminar. We first, or course, did a journal entry and it was about a time in our lives that we did not act. Something we wanted to do and we held back and why we think that we did. I didn't think that i wrote anything spectacular although the words did kind of just flow from me. I felt quesy as i first wrote and became more and more strong as the piece went on. Then when we came to large group, we were supposed to dicuss these pieces. Mmmmm, no. Alix was talking about how she really liked what she did and i said i would let her read mine if i could read hers. Childish, i know, but we trade and hers was alright. No better than mine, no worse but she turned a little pink and said "Wow, that was good. I wouldn't have let you read mine if i had known that." I still don't understand. Then again, when did i ever. I suppose it would be a good thing that i have more missed opportunities... But in that large group we read something, i think it was by hemmingway. I am not sure, one of the modern writers. And it was all about aprehensiveness. The missed, the waiting because we always believe there is time, ect. I just, it made me a little cold and made me love my class at the same time. No matter who it was, we all have that story of wanting to do something, make a move, say the important, and we don't. I am not alone.
Today i definately ate dinner with heidi and i missed talking to her. We have the most important conversations and it's completely equal. First thing we went over was how unimportant the idea of premarital sex was. I don't care if she has sex before she gets married as she doesn't care with me. It's just something that we feel will happen. It's just one of those things. I am not gonna run out and find a guy to bang, but i understand that someday i will meet someone and have sex with them, it will of course mean something, but that mean doesn't have to be marriage. Are we sluts? No, just realists. That and also my relationships with my guys friends, namly Dan, Scott, Brandon, and Ian. She said something that just made me feel good to be me. " You would never be friends with jerks, you surround yourself with thoughtful intelligent people. That's what makes it so hard." She always knew me better than i knew myself. Thank god.
I was able at this moment to step outside of myself and look in. I rarely get this opportunity and i take full advantage. We talked about what the unconcious was and i have a lot of that although it is certainly becoming more of a concious. I now have to beat back the thoughts and it really isnt a mystery to me anymore. So i will have a couple of moments of honesty and this isn't made to make anyone feel bad or get people pissed off, even though, it prolly will. I'll adress that later though. So first of all, i really hate the way that brandon convinces me that i am not as good as friends with scott and dan. It very well may true, in fact, prolly is, but i don't need that thought bashed into my skull all the time. When i hear the same story of how scott said something to him about breaking his bounds as to how good a human being is and brandon raising the bar of respect, i honestly let it get to me. He always brings up the fact that he has known dan for, oh what twelve years or some other ridiculous amount of time. That is jealousy. Plain and simple, and please people, don't tell me to not be jealous, at least i am able to realize this stuff. Let the statements fall where they may. Hmmm.. that and the fact that i am not allowed to know who laurie and gwendolyn are. I would really like a face or a tone of voice or something to match the stories i have heard. I also wonder if they even know that i exist. That's just curiosity. And i don't even know that i want to meet them. That might be really cool. I know that i never will. Even the idea would be cool. I am going to have to work on this unconcious life of mine. I encourage others to do the same.
What is it wednesday? Man the week went so friggin fast and now i don't have school until monday. That really does make me pleased. And i know myself now that i get really paranoid and very lonely when scott goes back down to purdue. This time it was not intensified because we had a bad parting but intesified because i was also saying goodbye to ian. And for the first two days, i felt like shit and little things kept flickering my memory and i was a mess. Not crying terrible mess or anything as such, i was just so memorable and could focus on anything. The mind does tend to wander, conversations, life and the like. Terrible thing emotion, it can rip people to shreds, you know? I am sure you have ripped by emotions. I am getting over it now. It always takes about two three days. Good thing i didn't say anything to anyone, that could have been disasterous. Go figure, something good happend when i kept my mouth shut, no regret.
Now on and on i go. I feel very free and not bad today. I like the thought of alix being able to trust me with anything and the fact that she thinks we have become such good friends makes me believe it. I really want to and i do. I need more friends like that. We can talk about anything and have completely separate lives and trust whatever the other says. I need more relationships with guys that are like that. I mean i have david, but no one else. I am seriously starting to buy into that whole, men and women can't be friends because one always wants to bang the other. It just doesn't work. I'll put in a little more effort, but i don't know how long i can last.
Dan, i hope that you are doing okay. A million hugs go out all over the world and if i had friends who were older and went to IU i would make them give you hugs whenever they saw you on campus, i still haven't been able to do it yet though, DAMN! Seriously, i have been thinking about this enough, or a lot. And here is what i have come up with, she loves you. Yup, profound i know. If i could see into the future and saw how this played out, i would tell you if you wanted me to, but i can't and i don't know that you would want that anyway. So here is the only piece of information i can give you, be patient. Scott you can take this advice too although you already follow it. Someday you will be loved. I mean you already are, but someday the object of your affection will blindly love you back. How do i know? I fucking do. I do. I do. I jut fucking do. Don't ask a question. You can't question a faith. It's not built on the fact and reasoning that our group of friends so loves to base every conversation we have on. It is faith, the thing that wars are fought for, millions are spent on, and i base my life on. I could be wrong, but so could you. Back to the point at hand dan, i know that you love her, it's evident in you voice and every thing you have written about her. She could be nothing less than beautiful. She'd be a fool not to love you. Alas we live in a world of fools. Perhaps she is not one of them.
One other thing that heidi brought to my attention that makes me understand things fairly well. Or better than i did before anyway. She said that she is attracted to Nave because he is mysterious. She likes the idea of getting to know all about him and find out if he has feelings for her in return which is what the hardest part is. And the mystery is the best thing. And i too am a sucker for mystery. She loves what she has already found out and wants to know more, as much as she can. This too describes me to a T. I can't believe it and then i can at the same time. She is able to describe herself and also me, we are too much alike. Is it ever a wonder that we have fallen for the same guys and they have fallen for both of us in return. Not really.
There is so much that i still want to say. There is so much that i still want to know, but not rerally. I am trying to let go a little bit. You know, bend like a rubber band. You have to stretch to make things work. Friendships and the like. I need to and feel like i am taking one giant step backwards and i need it. Being too close to other people, you bump elbows a lot. They have other friends, i do too. They have problems of their own, so do i. I love them with the same love and affection though the be what hundred and some miles away? But on an everyday life basis, i am not there and they are not here. They need me? You can bet your ass i would be right there. I am not however be on them all the time for attention and shower them with it either. I need to focus on my local ties first. They are here and i can not wait for college, and escaping, but i am not going to run, not yet.
So perhaps the first thing i want never comes. And the last thing i want comes in first. That might be the story of my life. It can't be that bad. I am only human, i can't have the perfect life and i can't get what i want. I have to have perspective and realize even perspective is skewed. I keep the things i need close. I haven't always, but i do now. And the things that i don't want aren't close, they are literally inside of me. All of the hate emotions and other ones that only lead to destructiveness. It's a sad thing, but i feel them. Right about there. And that is why everyone has the unconcious, we have to keep them hidden, it's our sacred duty as humans.
posted by chelC | 7:00 PM
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