AnD sO iT is... JuSt LiKE YoU sAiD it WOuLD bE...
***For an understanding of how much music i go through during one post all astrics will mark a new song and give the title... and now that i read it, how fucking awesome because alll of those songs were luck of the draw. I have the media player on random, and how appropriate those are...
It's 8:11 on a sunday. I have not gone anywhere today after work. I went straight home and it feels like shit. I never really realized how i am in constant contact with human beings, specifically those of the opposing gender. Today, i woke up at five and went to breakfast. I loved every second. Even the ones that i wasn't concious. *Brand New: Me vs. Madonna vs. Elvis* But then i came home and went to work. All i do on a sunday is work. Open to close. And this is why. I can't stand being alone. I fear it more than anything else in world. I wanted to have a good time, i wanted to see someone. I had some things to say. I made contact, but they had something "better" to do? I would've kissed you. Just wanted to get that out there. But that does not erase the fact, i really wish i was at work right now. Granger IN is the lonliest place in the world for a single white girl on a sunday night...
Brandon has found himself a lady friend "wink wink". *William Fitzsimmons: Foresake all others* I am so happy for him that i literally may bust. Sometimes it's just nice to see a friend happy. Perhaps it is the way that i feel fake happy being passed around that gives that bad after taste in my mouth. I don't know what it is, but a lot of people i have a hard time believing anymore. Whatever is all i have to say to that. * AFI: A story at three* And at this moment when i have nothing to do, i am trying to remember what it was that i used to be doing at this time so i can find some enjoyment... this is where i run into problems.
On any other sunday i would be hanging out with brandon. Any other time that i am not at work or working on some kind of project, i would be hanging out with brandon. It is not a hard stretch to make that he is my best friend. I spend all free time with him, we were companions in times when we missed our friends. We were the only people who knew the stories, loved the people, fought about how much we loved these people. I still maintain i love dan more than he does, but whatever. Still, now that he has Jessica, our lives aren't going to be the same. His free time will be spent with his girlfriend. But don't believe that i am that stupid, i know we are still great freinds. *Dashboard Confessional: Shirts and Gloves* We always will be. But the simple fact is, we will not be the same. We aren't the only thing eachother has now. He has someone now, and i have been fighting the idea of finding someone because i believed that i was too busy. Guess what? I'm not busy anymore. I am by no means up beat, so please don't congratulate me. I am going to miss the constant friendship business... but it can't last forever... nothing can.
*The offspring: Denial Revisited* There's something else that i think i have realized. I simply don't miss my friends that much anymore. I mean, that was one big thing that me and brandon had to cope with, they were our lives. But here is the thing, they went away to college, things changed. No, some aren't as great of friends with me as they were when they left. It's all a matter of times that someone can test your patience before you believe them. Someone tells me that this all has happend before and that there is no way that we can remain friends forever, you know what, i now believe you. I will not know you in ten years, but i can still name a handful that i will... so kindly fade into the dark... i will not miss you the way i once did.
As i was siting with dan in steak n' shake on friday night, he talked of his plans for summer. They come home in may. I was not expecting that early. But it's something i will deal with. Honestly, i will not be ready for the, not even fucking close. *Counting Crows: Mr. Jones* I mean when they come home for a weekend, my life is turned upside down and i elaborate on this in a moment. But he talked of plans and i know that i will not see people very much this summer. This will be the deciding summer in the rest of our lives. Who will i see? Who won't i? I think this is the last big hurtle for a while. Basically it comes down to this, either i will see them and repair the damage that distance has done to us, or we will crumble like broken building that nothing can fix. Dan wants to be gone all of July. I will miss him like no one's business, but will not be able to follow him. Brandon may join him on his journey, i can't say i know. Scott i think wants to, but then again life has plans for us we cannot see. I will be surrounded by love or by nothingness. The thing about is that hurts the most is that i have no choice. It's still so many months away, projects, finals, SATS, all of that away, and yet... i can't stop thinking that this could be the end of my life as i know it at this point. As quickly as life is given to me, it changes. I almost want to cry... and by almost i mean... cry.
*U2: Grace* Okay, about the life being turned upside down, okay. I have a life here in this little shithole known as Granger IN. And it consists of school and freinds and Brandon. It has for four months. It used to consist of so much more, a scott and dan and ian and ben... it was a virtual different world. It was backyards and endless nights. Warm weather and love. The i was ripped out of this heaven. I was left with a school, brandon, and friends. I got used to it.... but it took a very long time. Every once in a while my life would be tunred up ficking side down and i would be shaken. Basically anytime someone came home to visit. Then i was put back in heaven for a short while, or at least some form of it. Then i would be ripped out again. It hurt a lot... then the people just stopped coming... i suppose it was better that way. So i formed a life here. One that i like. Then christmas break came and i was shredded. I was literally broken. At moments like this i realize i am still not healed. I just want that pain to end. *Goo Goo Dolls: Black Balloon* It never will. Still, then my world changed forever. Ian came back into my world. It took some adjustment, but i absorbed it, and i became happier. And i just sense that everytime people come back to visit it hurts too much. It's why i resisit spending time, and i regret it later that i haven't. I fear more than anything their return in May. I don't want them here because i don't want to be that happy again. I don't want to be that destroyed when they leave me again. Some say they won't leave. Some say they may stay. I don't know... but it takes so much work to make this life function. *Blink 182: Reckless Abandon* I just don't think i am capable of absorbing all of this all at once. It was some how different last year. Last summer... i suppose it was the knowledge of where they were going to be. Without that reassurance, i am not as willing to take the chance.
And i am fucking crazy because i still think of Seattle. I am still going. *Brand New: The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot* It will be one year from today that the first payment will need to be made. I doubt that scott and dan will be able to make it. I just think the cost is so much. And both of them are so broke. And i can't afford to pay for them. I want them to be there so badly, and i want it to be all of the magic that i know it holds. I am unsure about tomorrow, yet i can be so sure of this... i don't understand. I wonder if we will be such great friends, a lot. I have so much faith... but actions make me think twice. Oh gut instinct, can't you be the right one for once? Here and now i say this, it will only be the four of us. And if they fade from me, me and kevin have already discussed this, he will go with me if you won't. This is not a threat. It a reassurance to myself that i will not be alone... i won't be alone.
*Kings Of Leon: Holy Roller Novacaine* Why are humans such fallible creatures? I wish that we weren't. I wish we were more than what we were. I wish that we could change, that we would change. I mean, there are only so many times that we go over the same path before it gets old and we just turn our back and take a new fork. We meet new people, we leave those of old behind, not forgotten. Like a chapter in our life. Like the natives to the lands that Gulliver traveld to. *K's Choice: Virgin State Of Mind* I'm moving over the same grass time and time again... someday i will move on. I can't even think of when i shall try. I pray that i won't. But how can grass change what it is? All of this prarie around me... i'm searching for the ocean. HOw parched i am... my thirst shall never be quenched here... when is my day?
It's 8:11 on a sunday. I have not gone anywhere today after work. I went straight home and it feels like shit. I never really realized how i am in constant contact with human beings, specifically those of the opposing gender. Today, i woke up at five and went to breakfast. I loved every second. Even the ones that i wasn't concious. *Brand New: Me vs. Madonna vs. Elvis* But then i came home and went to work. All i do on a sunday is work. Open to close. And this is why. I can't stand being alone. I fear it more than anything else in world. I wanted to have a good time, i wanted to see someone. I had some things to say. I made contact, but they had something "better" to do? I would've kissed you. Just wanted to get that out there. But that does not erase the fact, i really wish i was at work right now. Granger IN is the lonliest place in the world for a single white girl on a sunday night...
Brandon has found himself a lady friend "wink wink". *William Fitzsimmons: Foresake all others* I am so happy for him that i literally may bust. Sometimes it's just nice to see a friend happy. Perhaps it is the way that i feel fake happy being passed around that gives that bad after taste in my mouth. I don't know what it is, but a lot of people i have a hard time believing anymore. Whatever is all i have to say to that. * AFI: A story at three* And at this moment when i have nothing to do, i am trying to remember what it was that i used to be doing at this time so i can find some enjoyment... this is where i run into problems.
On any other sunday i would be hanging out with brandon. Any other time that i am not at work or working on some kind of project, i would be hanging out with brandon. It is not a hard stretch to make that he is my best friend. I spend all free time with him, we were companions in times when we missed our friends. We were the only people who knew the stories, loved the people, fought about how much we loved these people. I still maintain i love dan more than he does, but whatever. Still, now that he has Jessica, our lives aren't going to be the same. His free time will be spent with his girlfriend. But don't believe that i am that stupid, i know we are still great freinds. *Dashboard Confessional: Shirts and Gloves* We always will be. But the simple fact is, we will not be the same. We aren't the only thing eachother has now. He has someone now, and i have been fighting the idea of finding someone because i believed that i was too busy. Guess what? I'm not busy anymore. I am by no means up beat, so please don't congratulate me. I am going to miss the constant friendship business... but it can't last forever... nothing can.
*The offspring: Denial Revisited* There's something else that i think i have realized. I simply don't miss my friends that much anymore. I mean, that was one big thing that me and brandon had to cope with, they were our lives. But here is the thing, they went away to college, things changed. No, some aren't as great of friends with me as they were when they left. It's all a matter of times that someone can test your patience before you believe them. Someone tells me that this all has happend before and that there is no way that we can remain friends forever, you know what, i now believe you. I will not know you in ten years, but i can still name a handful that i will... so kindly fade into the dark... i will not miss you the way i once did.
As i was siting with dan in steak n' shake on friday night, he talked of his plans for summer. They come home in may. I was not expecting that early. But it's something i will deal with. Honestly, i will not be ready for the, not even fucking close. *Counting Crows: Mr. Jones* I mean when they come home for a weekend, my life is turned upside down and i elaborate on this in a moment. But he talked of plans and i know that i will not see people very much this summer. This will be the deciding summer in the rest of our lives. Who will i see? Who won't i? I think this is the last big hurtle for a while. Basically it comes down to this, either i will see them and repair the damage that distance has done to us, or we will crumble like broken building that nothing can fix. Dan wants to be gone all of July. I will miss him like no one's business, but will not be able to follow him. Brandon may join him on his journey, i can't say i know. Scott i think wants to, but then again life has plans for us we cannot see. I will be surrounded by love or by nothingness. The thing about is that hurts the most is that i have no choice. It's still so many months away, projects, finals, SATS, all of that away, and yet... i can't stop thinking that this could be the end of my life as i know it at this point. As quickly as life is given to me, it changes. I almost want to cry... and by almost i mean... cry.
*U2: Grace* Okay, about the life being turned upside down, okay. I have a life here in this little shithole known as Granger IN. And it consists of school and freinds and Brandon. It has for four months. It used to consist of so much more, a scott and dan and ian and ben... it was a virtual different world. It was backyards and endless nights. Warm weather and love. The i was ripped out of this heaven. I was left with a school, brandon, and friends. I got used to it.... but it took a very long time. Every once in a while my life would be tunred up ficking side down and i would be shaken. Basically anytime someone came home to visit. Then i was put back in heaven for a short while, or at least some form of it. Then i would be ripped out again. It hurt a lot... then the people just stopped coming... i suppose it was better that way. So i formed a life here. One that i like. Then christmas break came and i was shredded. I was literally broken. At moments like this i realize i am still not healed. I just want that pain to end. *Goo Goo Dolls: Black Balloon* It never will. Still, then my world changed forever. Ian came back into my world. It took some adjustment, but i absorbed it, and i became happier. And i just sense that everytime people come back to visit it hurts too much. It's why i resisit spending time, and i regret it later that i haven't. I fear more than anything their return in May. I don't want them here because i don't want to be that happy again. I don't want to be that destroyed when they leave me again. Some say they won't leave. Some say they may stay. I don't know... but it takes so much work to make this life function. *Blink 182: Reckless Abandon* I just don't think i am capable of absorbing all of this all at once. It was some how different last year. Last summer... i suppose it was the knowledge of where they were going to be. Without that reassurance, i am not as willing to take the chance.
And i am fucking crazy because i still think of Seattle. I am still going. *Brand New: The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot* It will be one year from today that the first payment will need to be made. I doubt that scott and dan will be able to make it. I just think the cost is so much. And both of them are so broke. And i can't afford to pay for them. I want them to be there so badly, and i want it to be all of the magic that i know it holds. I am unsure about tomorrow, yet i can be so sure of this... i don't understand. I wonder if we will be such great friends, a lot. I have so much faith... but actions make me think twice. Oh gut instinct, can't you be the right one for once? Here and now i say this, it will only be the four of us. And if they fade from me, me and kevin have already discussed this, he will go with me if you won't. This is not a threat. It a reassurance to myself that i will not be alone... i won't be alone.
*Kings Of Leon: Holy Roller Novacaine* Why are humans such fallible creatures? I wish that we weren't. I wish we were more than what we were. I wish that we could change, that we would change. I mean, there are only so many times that we go over the same path before it gets old and we just turn our back and take a new fork. We meet new people, we leave those of old behind, not forgotten. Like a chapter in our life. Like the natives to the lands that Gulliver traveld to. *K's Choice: Virgin State Of Mind* I'm moving over the same grass time and time again... someday i will move on. I can't even think of when i shall try. I pray that i won't. But how can grass change what it is? All of this prarie around me... i'm searching for the ocean. HOw parched i am... my thirst shall never be quenched here... when is my day?
posted by chelC | 8:10 PM
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