I doN't WannA BE fOOL heARteD

I truly wonder if this blog isn't something of a summer thing with me. I don't know what it is about it, but everytime i am here, i long for it to be summer with a passion that is unmatched in anything else that i do. Maybe it's the color, i know it's not the title. I can't even remember what the old title of my blog was. If i could i think i would probably repost it. I'm quite sure that i was in love with it. There is so much on here that i wouldn't be able to remember if it weren't for this site. That is a a good thing and a bad thing at the same time. Everyone eventually needs to let go of the past to explore the future... if it weren't so hard i know a lot more of us would be doing more living.
Yet there is some things so inheritly comfortable about the past. No one likes change. Or at least no one in my general circle of friends. Everyone is just waiting for the next big thing to happen and then everyone complains when it finally gets here. Any realization that we have had, anything that we have fought for so hard, never seems to come. There is always one more thing we could have to done to make it happen, one more anything. Maybe the moral of the story is that no one wins. But we keep fighting anyway. We want to be an exception to the rule.
I think that it is perfectly fine to have conflicting emotions about life. There is no spectrum that one person fits into perfectly. To say that this person is negative and always is looking at the bad things in life, and this person is positive because they are optomistic is impossible and stupid. Every human on the face of the planet is a raving hypocrite. Even me, someone so perfect, is a hypocrite. (Also a bit of a joker.)
There are moments in this life that i believe all existance is futile. There is nothing left to be done. We can make no impact on other peoples lives what-so-ever, which is really all i have ever wanted to do, and this ususally spawns from when i have a disscussion with someone who just can't believe in life. Sometimes it spawns from having disscussion with someone who is so peppy i think how blind they must be to not see all the heartache in the world and how much they really don't realize what is going to happen to them in a few short years. Those people are mostly involved in relationships that they think will last forever. I pray that they could prove me wrong and they will be in love forever... it has not happend yet.
Other times, i think that there is no stopping life. We have so much possiblity and that true love and everything is destiny. It's real, we are fated. This is usually when i start that conversation with people afore mentioned and i want to make them believe. I want to give something to believe in. I want people to believe in me the way that no one else has ever made them believe. It's that spark that everyone needs from life to keep on living. If we weren't needed anymore, what the hell are we still doing here? I know that when i become useless, i want to die. I don't want to live a life that i know has no purpose. Right now, i am living a life with purpose, whether you realize it or not.
We all want to change ourselves. Somewhere along the way everyone got confused. Some of us want to fit an ideal, belong to this major or that major. We all fit a certain style. I am indie rock. I wear T-shirts from the Goodwill, i buy suitjackets, i wear jeans and cargos and hippie pants. I listen to a certain style of music more than the others. Why? Because i want to. Because it is who i am. All of us just want to fit into that category of who i am. Some are punk. Some are goth. Some are emo. And when anyone uses the argument, "i am nothing. I don't conform to a group" that is a blatant lie. You may not conform on purpose, but this is a society, and there is no such thing as a completely rebel group that does not stand for anything and does not wish to be anything. The only group that fits that are the dead. They have no aspirations they have peace. Everyone in the living realm is still fighting their battles. Whether is be battles against odds or eachother, even against themselves everyone still fights. Some win, some lose, some have no choice but to fight all of their lives.
I was in seminar today and i said the most pessimistic thing anyone did today. I remember that we were talking about racism and how it still exists. After witnessing all of the fighting and the suffering that many African Americans went through, why do things like reactions to the oj trial and the rodney king beating still happen. Why is this a split society when it comes to white and black? After all of the legislation why does segregation and racism still exist? I said because no matter what laws you pass or how many times you preach it in classes across the country, you cannot change the minds of the people. There is no law that says they can't have racist ideas in their head and there would be no way for the government to enforce it. This all starts with us, the people who perpetuate the cycle with every insensitve racial slur that we make. It's imbedded in our culture to make fun of other culutres. We find comedy in the differences and point them out whenever possble. We are the reason that there will never be equality, we simply don't want it badly enough... The teacher tried to recover saying that as each generation moves along, we become more accepting and our generation is unlike the previous... i don't think it worked. I don't think it should work. It's hard to look at the world for what it is and realize that nothing is changing. The negative is almost impossible to erase.
Today i am a pessimist. I nearly cried in class for saying something so awful, but i find that the truth is the most awful thing that exists. Nothing good has come from it thus far. I don't see it. Lies keep everything safe, they always know how to protect me...
I Love you all... goodnight.