HoMe, hOMe wheRE i WanTeD tO gO
"I decided to send this letter as it was before i talked to you that night. Take it as you will. Sorry it took so long." I still wonder why things don't hit us until it is months later. That we didn't see all the tell tale signs of agony and heartache until the time to cure it has past. And i think that some words are just so beautiful that they will live on deep in the heart of everyone forever. It's the words that you still cry at later because they were so true. Someone meant them that much... you just have no other choice but to read on and cry your fuckin eyes out. I always will too. Just in case paper isn't forever i had to put a words from that paper here, sentimental reasons, cause afterall, i am merely a sentimental guy.
Scott came home this weekend. Unanounced. No big thing. It's always better that way. Dan and Scott will be back up here in another week for their spring break... i look foreward to it, but i am not a lady in waiting. There are times to make up for. I mean, my best friend has been out of comission for the past week. Time made up indeed.
I've been writing a lot lately. I am not sure why exactly. I just don't want to stop. Maybe the reason that i am on here now. That and the fact that it is March and i have to have at least one post of the happenings of life on here in a month. With march being my favorite, it should have it's share. I only assume that there will be many ado's on here becuase i mean, spring break. I should have something to say on the subject, right?
It's hard to believe that i have had this thing for nearly a year. I only got one because brandon had one. So did ian, and dan. Maybe i didn't just get it for brandon. I think it was just something that i needed. A place to write everything. In detail, for a later generation... or for me to reminisce on...
I keep thinking about the future. It's so far away, and it seems all to close. I just have flashes of me at an older age, pregnant, children, happy. It goes in that order i am pretty sure. At least the first two... I don't know why. I just kinda fastforeward through highschool and college, the times that are supposed to be the best in life. Learning things for the first time. Being on my own with virtually no responsibility besides my grades. I just don't know why i always go past that. I never thought that i would be one who wanted the big family life, but maybe i am wrong... It's still so far away. So until the day happens that i meet my perfect match, i am gonna lay of all this future business. And the scary part is, what if i have walked past my perfect match on the street, or already met him? AHGH!! Crazy shit, please. Like i don't already know.
I think that at the begining of the school year, everyone was a lot more trusting in one another. I don't know what happend to that, but i wish we could go back to the way that we were. It was just that we knew eachother a lot better than we don now. I suppose there are expiriences that we each have felt alone and together that make it impossible to relate the same way. I somehow believe that we each have secrets that we keep from eachother. Secrets between friends is sometimes all too necessary, it keeps us sane. It keeps us in good graces. It can tear us apart or even drive us crazy. There has to be that point that it all becomes inconsequential as well... I am waiting for that point. And to myself, any "secrets" i may be keeping, don't seem like secrets. They seem like shameful things that i have to keep to myself for self preservation. It's like that post that ian made so many months ago. If we make these blatant comments, it may cause our world to double over and collapse on itself. So we make vauge generalizations to let everyone know that there is a something and to be weary of it cause it may just rear it's ugly head. And it give the writer some small satisfaction that even thought the recipient can't make heads or tails of the fucking message, it was said. All the blame really is on the reader. The writer explained herself quite readily. The reader just wasn't ready to understand it.
I remember one thing from the summer. It very well maybe the only time that i was able to make scottatious laugh. Porn star style. mmm... I'm gonna ask you again, are you high? Little blurbs that i want to forever keep in a vault until my children are my age and i can explain to them, yea, i was young once. I was in love upon a time. I had an amazing summer in which all of yours put together will never rival. So there!! HA!
I'm gonna smile now, and close my eyes and travel in time. Whether it be backwards or forewards, i do not know, nor do i know if in a few hours i shall be able to recall. I do know that i cherish you, whomever you are. And those of you who i know who you are. If i died, i would die happy. And isn't that the greatest achievement that one can reach? I think it is. Yay. All words escape me. Just... yay.
Scott came home this weekend. Unanounced. No big thing. It's always better that way. Dan and Scott will be back up here in another week for their spring break... i look foreward to it, but i am not a lady in waiting. There are times to make up for. I mean, my best friend has been out of comission for the past week. Time made up indeed.
I've been writing a lot lately. I am not sure why exactly. I just don't want to stop. Maybe the reason that i am on here now. That and the fact that it is March and i have to have at least one post of the happenings of life on here in a month. With march being my favorite, it should have it's share. I only assume that there will be many ado's on here becuase i mean, spring break. I should have something to say on the subject, right?
It's hard to believe that i have had this thing for nearly a year. I only got one because brandon had one. So did ian, and dan. Maybe i didn't just get it for brandon. I think it was just something that i needed. A place to write everything. In detail, for a later generation... or for me to reminisce on...
I keep thinking about the future. It's so far away, and it seems all to close. I just have flashes of me at an older age, pregnant, children, happy. It goes in that order i am pretty sure. At least the first two... I don't know why. I just kinda fastforeward through highschool and college, the times that are supposed to be the best in life. Learning things for the first time. Being on my own with virtually no responsibility besides my grades. I just don't know why i always go past that. I never thought that i would be one who wanted the big family life, but maybe i am wrong... It's still so far away. So until the day happens that i meet my perfect match, i am gonna lay of all this future business. And the scary part is, what if i have walked past my perfect match on the street, or already met him? AHGH!! Crazy shit, please. Like i don't already know.
I think that at the begining of the school year, everyone was a lot more trusting in one another. I don't know what happend to that, but i wish we could go back to the way that we were. It was just that we knew eachother a lot better than we don now. I suppose there are expiriences that we each have felt alone and together that make it impossible to relate the same way. I somehow believe that we each have secrets that we keep from eachother. Secrets between friends is sometimes all too necessary, it keeps us sane. It keeps us in good graces. It can tear us apart or even drive us crazy. There has to be that point that it all becomes inconsequential as well... I am waiting for that point. And to myself, any "secrets" i may be keeping, don't seem like secrets. They seem like shameful things that i have to keep to myself for self preservation. It's like that post that ian made so many months ago. If we make these blatant comments, it may cause our world to double over and collapse on itself. So we make vauge generalizations to let everyone know that there is a something and to be weary of it cause it may just rear it's ugly head. And it give the writer some small satisfaction that even thought the recipient can't make heads or tails of the fucking message, it was said. All the blame really is on the reader. The writer explained herself quite readily. The reader just wasn't ready to understand it.
I remember one thing from the summer. It very well maybe the only time that i was able to make scottatious laugh. Porn star style. mmm... I'm gonna ask you again, are you high? Little blurbs that i want to forever keep in a vault until my children are my age and i can explain to them, yea, i was young once. I was in love upon a time. I had an amazing summer in which all of yours put together will never rival. So there!! HA!
I'm gonna smile now, and close my eyes and travel in time. Whether it be backwards or forewards, i do not know, nor do i know if in a few hours i shall be able to recall. I do know that i cherish you, whomever you are. And those of you who i know who you are. If i died, i would die happy. And isn't that the greatest achievement that one can reach? I think it is. Yay. All words escape me. Just... yay.
posted by chelC | 11:56 PM
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