goD wE'Re so FucKEd uP, yOu and ME

I feel like absolute shit. Las night was bad. These days my life is getting worse and worse and there's nothing i can do about it. It's my own fault. My problems are fucking me over and destroying one of the few things that makes me happy. The happiest. I am not doing well with this. I spent the entireity of the night crying. My eyes turned green. I really let go.
I talked to scott online and as in all of my dreams he was kind of avoidy. And he didn't say much, but i figured it was the whole discussion we had a few days ago. I apologized because i was in the wrong. I realized why i had done it, why i had lied to him. He didn't believe that i was sorry and all i wanted was a quick fix so "no i don't believe that" 'That' being me.
I don't like telling people about the defense mechanism i have of pushing people away. It's the most shameful thing that i can do and i have done it time and time again. I try and not, i really try not to push but it's like instinct takes over and i fuck things up. I'm a massicist when it comes to that, i really must love hurting myself if i keep doing it. And i hate it. But i told him. He wanted me to. I knew it was a bad idea, but perhaps he could understand, right? I did nothing but tell him the truth. A very ugly truth and he didn't say anything. The he did... he was short and snappy and told me he didn't want to say anything at the moment because anything he did say would come out wrong or mean. (badly i think were the exact words that he used.) i didn't know what that meant and i asked him how and he let me have it. Don't i learn from the past. "Let's put it this way i can not believe that THAT is the reason that you lied to me" it goes on and on but i am trying to block it from my memory i think.
I can't stop thinking about it and i really want to. I've been sick twice through the night and all i can do is listen to music. I tried reading and i think i am going to try that in a little bit because it kinda worked? Not really but i need to do something. My stomach is twisting into knots. And it's all my fault.
As if i didn't feel bad enough about the lying and the reason, sorry and ashamed as i was, then i was berated. I think if you could whose just the right words to hurt me even more than i already was, those were them. Mad at me because i can't learn from the past. Because i did this. I knew what i was doing. I will say this, i do not intentionally hurt people. if i had seen what i was doing before i had finished i would have stopped myself. But unfortunately i didn't see it until it was too late to make it all go away. I did, however, tell the truth. I told him the unadultered truth and the thing that happend is he couldn't deal. He couldn't understand. I know it's not an excuse. I told him that before i even said a word. I had more faith in him that flying off the handle. But i don't regret it. I deserve this, and i just want things to get better so badly. I don't know if that will ever happen. I can't forgive myself. He has to do that and i don't know if he wants to... It's the not knowing that is eating me alive.
I can't stop looking at this picture of me scott brandon and dan. We're all smiling. If i put my fingers over brandon and dan it just leaves a smiling chelsea and a smiling scott. And i wonder if we are ever going to be like that...