yEa, i'LL aLwaYs Be WaitiNG fOR yOU
Spring break has come at last. I don't have anything planned. Prolly just gonna hang around the house, go to work and make money, i don't know.... read? I feel so incredibly boring because countless people i know are going off and having a bit of an adventure. I have no drive to go off and explore right this moment, but that is entirely subject to change. I'm not exactly content, but i feel better about life...
Today i walked around after school with henry and paul. Henry had to come out to my car to get something and he said we needed to find his ride first. It was paul. Paul said he needed to find McNulty. So we went to his room, wasn't there. So we went to Adon's room for some book or something. Then McNulty walked in. I met him. He's basically awesome. He's the kind of teacher who doesn't care if you curse and understands that we aren't kids. He first met henry at an concert and henry was smoking a cigar. McNulty didn't care. That and the fact there is just something so hilarious about him. He's genuinely nice. It was like a wild goose chase, but it was incredibly fun. That and the fact i didn't have to walk to my car alone.
I drove home with the windows down and there were about a hundred huges drops of rain that landed on my car and then it just stopped. It was beautifully warm once again. I love THIS kind of weather. The prelude to summer. Comfortable, no need for heat, can still sleep with a blanket at night, but not freeze. It was one of those moments i was happy to be alive.
For some reason i am happy. I don't think that it will last because i am doing one thing and thinking another. But then again, maybe i'm not. I don't know what i am doing honestly. I'm being myself. I'm ties up my loose ends. I am loading all of my songs on my new 30G ipod. I'm doing alot. I am doing nothing at all. I am missing people, but at the same time not. I am a walking contradiction.
Today, people kept talking to me. Venting really. I never really understood what made it so easy to talk to me. But this and yesterday, i think i had well over a hundred people wish me a happy birthday, makes me wonder about what draws people to me. I'm not braging, but people generally like me, for some reason that is totally beyond me. I just look at the past, specific instances, (i blame seminar for making me think in terms of oppinion and evidence to support cause i do it with everything now) and people and i get along well... I hate most people so it kind of surprises me. Most people have said they love my honesty and when i say something that may seem detremental to someone else, but it's total truth, they just laugh and tell me they love me. I don't know if that condescention, nor do i truly care. The thing that i question is why? Why to peopel like me? Why do i have the amount of friends that i do. People like me. why? It's one of those unaskable questions like what's one thing you will remember about me? *Sigh*
I have the SAT's tomorrow. I'm not freakin out about it... in fact, i have a feeling that i could pwn them if i really want to. I am prolly talking out of my ass and be completely raped by them, but i don't know... i just don't know.
I feel slightly foolish of my own thoughts. There seems something so elementary the same in my mind, yet i can't quite put my finger on it. I have this sneaking suspicion that i am like scott. I feel like i completely follow in his footsteps and it drives me nuts. We are so the same, and completely different. Brandon never could understand why i claimed to be just like scott, he doesn't see the resemblence. I sometimes think that i am just like scott, but hide it becuase it's the right thing to do. Nobody knows it but me. I have a few quirks and ideas that are all my own, fucked up and everything, but i follow.
I fear that summer has come. That may be the reason that i am happy. Summer, last year, it was amazing. But we can't recreate that. And i want to. Without of course all the bad... hmm. Everyone always makes a statement to the effect of summer being awesome and then the fact that they don't want it to come back because it was so great in the past. I thought in honesty that i would like to recreate. Have those feelings again, the amazing, the past. And saying it outloud and visualizing living through all of it, i don't really want to. I want those good feelings, but i don't want to do what i did. I don't want to stay in a circle which is what it would be. There is something there. And i know now, things could be no better or worse than they were. Summer unfolded the way it did for a million reasons that are still playing out today. I can't go back, but i can work with what i still have. It's not much, and i'm breaking it apart day by day. I have to stop being so destructive.
I'm a bad person in every sense of the statement. It's something that i should get used to. I still strive to be the person that people love. Especailly those who amaze me, or those who i wish i could be like. I want to leave my body emulating what it means to be a human. To live to the fullest, to never hold back, to suceed at everything that i ever want to do. Everything that i want i am not doing. I am failing. Another thing i didn't want. I have to do something, everything... i need a change. This charade is over.
Today i walked around after school with henry and paul. Henry had to come out to my car to get something and he said we needed to find his ride first. It was paul. Paul said he needed to find McNulty. So we went to his room, wasn't there. So we went to Adon's room for some book or something. Then McNulty walked in. I met him. He's basically awesome. He's the kind of teacher who doesn't care if you curse and understands that we aren't kids. He first met henry at an concert and henry was smoking a cigar. McNulty didn't care. That and the fact there is just something so hilarious about him. He's genuinely nice. It was like a wild goose chase, but it was incredibly fun. That and the fact i didn't have to walk to my car alone.
I drove home with the windows down and there were about a hundred huges drops of rain that landed on my car and then it just stopped. It was beautifully warm once again. I love THIS kind of weather. The prelude to summer. Comfortable, no need for heat, can still sleep with a blanket at night, but not freeze. It was one of those moments i was happy to be alive.
For some reason i am happy. I don't think that it will last because i am doing one thing and thinking another. But then again, maybe i'm not. I don't know what i am doing honestly. I'm being myself. I'm ties up my loose ends. I am loading all of my songs on my new 30G ipod. I'm doing alot. I am doing nothing at all. I am missing people, but at the same time not. I am a walking contradiction.
Today, people kept talking to me. Venting really. I never really understood what made it so easy to talk to me. But this and yesterday, i think i had well over a hundred people wish me a happy birthday, makes me wonder about what draws people to me. I'm not braging, but people generally like me, for some reason that is totally beyond me. I just look at the past, specific instances, (i blame seminar for making me think in terms of oppinion and evidence to support cause i do it with everything now) and people and i get along well... I hate most people so it kind of surprises me. Most people have said they love my honesty and when i say something that may seem detremental to someone else, but it's total truth, they just laugh and tell me they love me. I don't know if that condescention, nor do i truly care. The thing that i question is why? Why to peopel like me? Why do i have the amount of friends that i do. People like me. why? It's one of those unaskable questions like what's one thing you will remember about me? *Sigh*
I have the SAT's tomorrow. I'm not freakin out about it... in fact, i have a feeling that i could pwn them if i really want to. I am prolly talking out of my ass and be completely raped by them, but i don't know... i just don't know.
I feel slightly foolish of my own thoughts. There seems something so elementary the same in my mind, yet i can't quite put my finger on it. I have this sneaking suspicion that i am like scott. I feel like i completely follow in his footsteps and it drives me nuts. We are so the same, and completely different. Brandon never could understand why i claimed to be just like scott, he doesn't see the resemblence. I sometimes think that i am just like scott, but hide it becuase it's the right thing to do. Nobody knows it but me. I have a few quirks and ideas that are all my own, fucked up and everything, but i follow.
I fear that summer has come. That may be the reason that i am happy. Summer, last year, it was amazing. But we can't recreate that. And i want to. Without of course all the bad... hmm. Everyone always makes a statement to the effect of summer being awesome and then the fact that they don't want it to come back because it was so great in the past. I thought in honesty that i would like to recreate. Have those feelings again, the amazing, the past. And saying it outloud and visualizing living through all of it, i don't really want to. I want those good feelings, but i don't want to do what i did. I don't want to stay in a circle which is what it would be. There is something there. And i know now, things could be no better or worse than they were. Summer unfolded the way it did for a million reasons that are still playing out today. I can't go back, but i can work with what i still have. It's not much, and i'm breaking it apart day by day. I have to stop being so destructive.
I'm a bad person in every sense of the statement. It's something that i should get used to. I still strive to be the person that people love. Especailly those who amaze me, or those who i wish i could be like. I want to leave my body emulating what it means to be a human. To live to the fullest, to never hold back, to suceed at everything that i ever want to do. Everything that i want i am not doing. I am failing. Another thing i didn't want. I have to do something, everything... i need a change. This charade is over.
posted by chelC | 10:44 PM
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