GoD, I LoVE You bUT yOU tRouBLe mE...... ShE pUshEs HiM aWaY
Hey everyone... how are you doing? I figured i might as well as you becuase, i don't know exactly how i am doing anymore... It's hard to explain life right now. I don't think that i have the energy or will.... I just feel like nothing matters any more. If there was a way that i could sit and do nothing forever, basically that's what i would do. It seems as bad as i look at life people keep coming in and out smiling. They tell me i am funny and that they love me and then leave. I personally don't understand what about me that makes everyone so fucking happy... although, i am positive there are those few that i just tear to shreds. They're just to nice to say anything about it.
So over the past couple of days, i can't say that life has changed... at all. I think it's just the way that i have been percieving life until this point that has. I am always the one to be left behind, i never get to leave. It's really a fact that is starting to piss me off beyond belief. I don't really want to go into the specifics of my life, i fear that you find them terrible boring and there is no point in draging my life into this whole thing. Just to leave it at the fact that i hurt... is that not enough?
I have been spending the last couple days of mine crying a bit. I blame it on pent up emotion that is now starting to bubble out of the surface. It doesn't get any worse than when you are laying on your floor trying to stuff yourself under the bed laughing and crying. It's not the fact that i laughed so hard i cried, it was more just that i didn't know which one i should do at that moment... I ended up crawling into my bath tub and sitting there decided upon crying. It was more of a silent cry though. I stared at the faucet. And the hot and cold nozzle... there is a lot more blue on it than red. That and my toe nails. Their still painted Barbie pink. It's interesting and so uncharacteristically me.
I was talking to Brandon the other day (that seems to be one of the only people i talk to anymore) as we were driving home. You know, just wanting to drive because there is something so different about driving. I know that Brandon likes to drive and i know that i like to watch the scenery go by, but he had spent a lot of money on gas, so we took my car. There was a bitching sunset and there was beautiful water. I have pictures to remember and to use as my background on my phone too. It really was one of those picturesque moments that i could most certainly die in... but, after the sunset, there was nothing to do but return home... We talk like normal people do. I listened to the counting crows. "What's one thing you'll remember about me" I really like Adam Duritz... there is no way anyone will be able to challenge him lyrically. I told Brandon that all i wanted to do was change someone's life. I want to be a complete mystery and i think sometimes i don't do as well a job as i wish i could. He told me it wasn't true... i don't know, i believe him and i don't. I'm undecided on deciding basically. I just know that i don't know a damn thing. The more days that pass the more i just want to pass out.
So, i don't know what's going to happen next. I don't think that i want to know. I am afraid of what is going to happen next. I'm afraid of right now. I'm afraid of tomorrow. I'm afriad for you and i am afraid for me. What do you think we should do? Nothing? Alright, that's cool with me.
I used to be imersed in the thought of elsewhere. I am sitting here at my computer writing something so completely useless and i wonder where the hell everyone that i know is. It's like that thing, "we are both looking up at the same dark sky and the big white moon" Somewhere else, everyone's lives keep on living. You would think that when someone else is happy you can feel that knot in your stomach rise or when someone is upset you also feel that jab of pain. It's not so. Out there somewhere someon could be ruining you life and any chance at love you ever knew, and you would know. Completely oblvious... if that feeling doesn't make you feel like complete shit... I suppose that's the thought of paranoia. Terrible thing is, i am never paranoid unless there is justification. Which means, i am always too late.
It's back to something i have said before. Anyone's greatest triumph, is someone else's downfall... For someone to be happy, someone else must suffer. It's not martyrdom, it's just life. As shity as that may seem, you are not anymore special than anyone else. We always move on, and there is plenty of time to forget.
I want to leave here. Not for the purpose to escape my parents or because this town seems boring. I need to leave because i need to leave myself behind. I need to find someone else who is happier and has a more fulfilling life. I have tried to go over my options again and again. Where can i go? What can i do when i get there? How far away is far enough. I have rouhgly three options right now. One keeps me local but secluded and the other tow mean leaving and i mean far. I would prefer one of those. The point is that no one would know where i am. It's a time for meditation and growing up. I have some contacts that i need to make and some figures and plans i need to investigate before i make any moves, but, i will. I have some talking i need to do, and some not talking i need to get started on too. It's a busy day in the life of me.
Things aren't changing... i'm still the same. I wish i wasn't. I never have been happy this way. Won't you keep my secrets. Won't you let me be. If chad was still alive i could live with him this summer... oh summer... you are so sweet and kind to me. That story's pretty old. I'm over it... or am getting there. I'm trying? Is that good enough for now? It's going to have to be because i can't promise much more. I just, always have to be left behind don't i? Well not anymore.
So over the past couple of days, i can't say that life has changed... at all. I think it's just the way that i have been percieving life until this point that has. I am always the one to be left behind, i never get to leave. It's really a fact that is starting to piss me off beyond belief. I don't really want to go into the specifics of my life, i fear that you find them terrible boring and there is no point in draging my life into this whole thing. Just to leave it at the fact that i hurt... is that not enough?
I have been spending the last couple days of mine crying a bit. I blame it on pent up emotion that is now starting to bubble out of the surface. It doesn't get any worse than when you are laying on your floor trying to stuff yourself under the bed laughing and crying. It's not the fact that i laughed so hard i cried, it was more just that i didn't know which one i should do at that moment... I ended up crawling into my bath tub and sitting there decided upon crying. It was more of a silent cry though. I stared at the faucet. And the hot and cold nozzle... there is a lot more blue on it than red. That and my toe nails. Their still painted Barbie pink. It's interesting and so uncharacteristically me.
I was talking to Brandon the other day (that seems to be one of the only people i talk to anymore) as we were driving home. You know, just wanting to drive because there is something so different about driving. I know that Brandon likes to drive and i know that i like to watch the scenery go by, but he had spent a lot of money on gas, so we took my car. There was a bitching sunset and there was beautiful water. I have pictures to remember and to use as my background on my phone too. It really was one of those picturesque moments that i could most certainly die in... but, after the sunset, there was nothing to do but return home... We talk like normal people do. I listened to the counting crows. "What's one thing you'll remember about me" I really like Adam Duritz... there is no way anyone will be able to challenge him lyrically. I told Brandon that all i wanted to do was change someone's life. I want to be a complete mystery and i think sometimes i don't do as well a job as i wish i could. He told me it wasn't true... i don't know, i believe him and i don't. I'm undecided on deciding basically. I just know that i don't know a damn thing. The more days that pass the more i just want to pass out.
So, i don't know what's going to happen next. I don't think that i want to know. I am afraid of what is going to happen next. I'm afraid of right now. I'm afraid of tomorrow. I'm afriad for you and i am afraid for me. What do you think we should do? Nothing? Alright, that's cool with me.
I used to be imersed in the thought of elsewhere. I am sitting here at my computer writing something so completely useless and i wonder where the hell everyone that i know is. It's like that thing, "we are both looking up at the same dark sky and the big white moon" Somewhere else, everyone's lives keep on living. You would think that when someone else is happy you can feel that knot in your stomach rise or when someone is upset you also feel that jab of pain. It's not so. Out there somewhere someon could be ruining you life and any chance at love you ever knew, and you would know. Completely oblvious... if that feeling doesn't make you feel like complete shit... I suppose that's the thought of paranoia. Terrible thing is, i am never paranoid unless there is justification. Which means, i am always too late.
It's back to something i have said before. Anyone's greatest triumph, is someone else's downfall... For someone to be happy, someone else must suffer. It's not martyrdom, it's just life. As shity as that may seem, you are not anymore special than anyone else. We always move on, and there is plenty of time to forget.
I want to leave here. Not for the purpose to escape my parents or because this town seems boring. I need to leave because i need to leave myself behind. I need to find someone else who is happier and has a more fulfilling life. I have tried to go over my options again and again. Where can i go? What can i do when i get there? How far away is far enough. I have rouhgly three options right now. One keeps me local but secluded and the other tow mean leaving and i mean far. I would prefer one of those. The point is that no one would know where i am. It's a time for meditation and growing up. I have some contacts that i need to make and some figures and plans i need to investigate before i make any moves, but, i will. I have some talking i need to do, and some not talking i need to get started on too. It's a busy day in the life of me.
Things aren't changing... i'm still the same. I wish i wasn't. I never have been happy this way. Won't you keep my secrets. Won't you let me be. If chad was still alive i could live with him this summer... oh summer... you are so sweet and kind to me. That story's pretty old. I'm over it... or am getting there. I'm trying? Is that good enough for now? It's going to have to be because i can't promise much more. I just, always have to be left behind don't i? Well not anymore.
posted by chelC | 9:50 PM
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