DoN't WoRRy i kiLLed ThE LaST SnAKE tHat LiVEd iN THe CrEek bED
This has been by far the very most longest week in a while. There has been a lot that i wasn't expecting. I knew that when my loves from college returned to visit and spend the entire week in the same town with me my life would be more interesting. I just seriously underestimated how interesting that they would be... Which now leaves me to ponder what exactly it is that i want out of life.
For as long as i can remember, i thought that i knew what i wanted. Granted that is a very stupid thought to have because, duh, people change and you can never hold on to what you want forever. But there is something to be said for keeping feelings about another person so close to you for such a long time. They ingrain in your DNA and soon enough, you can't imagine yourself against anything else. I don't know what i am trying to say, but i know that my life changed this week. Not in the sense that it can't ever go back, although i do have my doubts that it ever could, but i don't feel that i want to. Someone was honest with me and i haven't felt that in a while. I'm not saying that people constantly lie to me, but it's all whether or not you believe that any omission is just as bad as not telling the truth. No one has been more openly honest with me that Dan in a long time. Last one on record would be Chad. Which just goes to show how long it has been that i had a genuine connection with someone.
It was a bold move of action for him to kiss me which simply hasn't happend... I've been talking to Brandon a lot lately, simply because he is my best friend and it seems that everyone has their moments which they want to move and simply don't. I have been trying to wrap my brain around the reason as to why nothing happend this summer. "Everyone" supposedly had a crush on me, maybe even more than that, but no one did anything. I can only question, why? Different reasons, but none of them are good enough. I stood in the center waiting, anyone could have called my name. There was something inheritly intriguing about every single person. All they had to do was call my name. I just wanted someone to claim me, to do anything. I didn't want to hear it, i wanted someone to show me something, some sign that i wasn't alone... Brandon said they were just too afraid to move. I don't know, i just wish something would have happend... truth be told.
This leads me to perhaps the most massicistic game of all time, what if? I'm sure everyone knows the rules well enough. You go back to all of your most wonderful and usually vulnerable memories and wonder what would have happend if you did what you really wanted to. If you said the thing that really was on your mind instead of the false smoke that always is there to use as protection. I don't know where it would have taken me. But when i think of instances, i cry. Is it just that beautiful, or is it because it would have caused that much more pain? I know that they were moments that i would have genuinely been happy. I would have closed my eyes in peace and floated somewhere directly above the place that i had been. To me there is nothing more comforting that laying my head somewhere not sure where we go next, but incredibly glad that i got to the point where i don't know next. *All of those moments where i said i was cold, i really meant i love you. All those times i said i should be home, i really meant to kiss you. All those times we stared off into the same vantage point, i was lost in your eyes. All those times, never happend. I just find it hard to keep reminding myself it was for not.*
If i say that i think my life will be radically different soon, people will disagree with me, or be worried as to what that means. Maybe, even not want that to happen. But fear not. I think its a long time coming. I have a lot more courage now than what i did before. I have had a lot of moments this spring break that i can never forget. Expiriences and places that i never want to forget. Alot more open ended questions that are only answered when i stare up at the sky or feel the wind blow my hair to the side. I can't help but think they felt it too. I'll never know...
Ten more weeks until i am no longer a junior. Five weeks until they come home. Five weeks until prom. And the realization that i may go to college with all of my best friends. And the fact they would only be one year ahead of me save dan.
It's now a proven fact that i should have no human contact this early in the morning. I acn't form good sentences and i am a timebomb... ready to explode dangerous words all over the place. Now is not the time. Here is not the place. Before i am too far gone, i am just going to leave. Just going to walk in the North direction to the bed and lay. Listen to the music staring blankly into the ceiling... thinking.... I wonder what the fuck i am going to do now. I wonder what i am going to feel next. Whatever it is, i think i may run with it. Then i can get away from here. Which is all i ever wanted.
For as long as i can remember, i thought that i knew what i wanted. Granted that is a very stupid thought to have because, duh, people change and you can never hold on to what you want forever. But there is something to be said for keeping feelings about another person so close to you for such a long time. They ingrain in your DNA and soon enough, you can't imagine yourself against anything else. I don't know what i am trying to say, but i know that my life changed this week. Not in the sense that it can't ever go back, although i do have my doubts that it ever could, but i don't feel that i want to. Someone was honest with me and i haven't felt that in a while. I'm not saying that people constantly lie to me, but it's all whether or not you believe that any omission is just as bad as not telling the truth. No one has been more openly honest with me that Dan in a long time. Last one on record would be Chad. Which just goes to show how long it has been that i had a genuine connection with someone.
It was a bold move of action for him to kiss me which simply hasn't happend... I've been talking to Brandon a lot lately, simply because he is my best friend and it seems that everyone has their moments which they want to move and simply don't. I have been trying to wrap my brain around the reason as to why nothing happend this summer. "Everyone" supposedly had a crush on me, maybe even more than that, but no one did anything. I can only question, why? Different reasons, but none of them are good enough. I stood in the center waiting, anyone could have called my name. There was something inheritly intriguing about every single person. All they had to do was call my name. I just wanted someone to claim me, to do anything. I didn't want to hear it, i wanted someone to show me something, some sign that i wasn't alone... Brandon said they were just too afraid to move. I don't know, i just wish something would have happend... truth be told.
This leads me to perhaps the most massicistic game of all time, what if? I'm sure everyone knows the rules well enough. You go back to all of your most wonderful and usually vulnerable memories and wonder what would have happend if you did what you really wanted to. If you said the thing that really was on your mind instead of the false smoke that always is there to use as protection. I don't know where it would have taken me. But when i think of instances, i cry. Is it just that beautiful, or is it because it would have caused that much more pain? I know that they were moments that i would have genuinely been happy. I would have closed my eyes in peace and floated somewhere directly above the place that i had been. To me there is nothing more comforting that laying my head somewhere not sure where we go next, but incredibly glad that i got to the point where i don't know next. *All of those moments where i said i was cold, i really meant i love you. All those times i said i should be home, i really meant to kiss you. All those times we stared off into the same vantage point, i was lost in your eyes. All those times, never happend. I just find it hard to keep reminding myself it was for not.*
If i say that i think my life will be radically different soon, people will disagree with me, or be worried as to what that means. Maybe, even not want that to happen. But fear not. I think its a long time coming. I have a lot more courage now than what i did before. I have had a lot of moments this spring break that i can never forget. Expiriences and places that i never want to forget. Alot more open ended questions that are only answered when i stare up at the sky or feel the wind blow my hair to the side. I can't help but think they felt it too. I'll never know...
Ten more weeks until i am no longer a junior. Five weeks until they come home. Five weeks until prom. And the realization that i may go to college with all of my best friends. And the fact they would only be one year ahead of me save dan.
It's now a proven fact that i should have no human contact this early in the morning. I acn't form good sentences and i am a timebomb... ready to explode dangerous words all over the place. Now is not the time. Here is not the place. Before i am too far gone, i am just going to leave. Just going to walk in the North direction to the bed and lay. Listen to the music staring blankly into the ceiling... thinking.... I wonder what the fuck i am going to do now. I wonder what i am going to feel next. Whatever it is, i think i may run with it. Then i can get away from here. Which is all i ever wanted.
posted by chelC | 2:41 AM
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