LivE thRouGh thiS aNd you Won't Look BacK
I am not okay. I am far from fucking okay. Nothing is getting better. Time is not fixing the problem. I look at the calendar and realize it hasn't even been a week, but nothing is better. I am not happy. I laugh but i don't laugh long enough. Happiness exists. I have it in my daily life, but the things that made me happy don't anymore. And i don't know what that means. What am i supposed to do now? What the fuck do you propose i do now?
I'm bitter, and sad and i hate this. I hate that i can't be happy. I hate that it's not even been a week. I hate that i have to be on pain pills. I hate that the euphoria doesn't last. I hate the downward spiral my life is in and that no one knows... no one has any idea. We are all good and hiding our dirty laundry, everyone.
I need a sign, something that tells me life is worth living again. I need more than a promise and a word that everything will get better. That's true. I have so much to live for. Good friends trying to make this easier (so hard, to no avail), good future... blah blah blah. It's inspirational life bullshit that has no place in my day to day life. Nothing anyone has said has made this anymore less painful. I'm better than him, i'm more mature than him, he really was telling me lies, there was a good point to not trusting him, other people don't trust him either, he was bound to hurt me, good thing i got away before i was too attatched, he had to many problems for me to deal with, he is an unforgiving jackass... IT DOESN"T WORK! Even repeating these, they don't make any sense to me. I don't care what it was. I was already attatched, he never had to many problems, he was as forgiving as he could be. Everyone has their limits... i don't know, i just don't know.
I can't draw anymore. I start a picture and the girl ends up crying or the guy ends up sad. I just have to put my charcoal away as well as my oil pastels. It's too late, it's been too late for a long time.
I burned the Band Of Brothers Soundtrack and i can't stop listening to it. No it's not because it was scott's favorite TV miniseries, it's because it has some of the most heartbreakingly beautiful music i have ever heard in my life. It makes me sad and happy and everything. It swells and then falls and is angelic and pull my heart right out of my chest.
I can't go to the lake anymore. It hurts to look at he water.
I want to believe that i am stronger than the way i am acting. I have to believe that i am better than this. I feel pathetic and weak and that i can't even take care of myself. This is so ridiculous. I hate this. I hate this so much. I just want it all to be over with. I want to believe that he never existed and then i don't want to do that because i miss him. I miss being his friend. Talking to him. Giving him any kind of hope in life. Being there to comfort him and converse about life. Having him there to comfort me. I miss it. I miss him. I hate this... I hate being the weak one. I hate crying. And i hate the fact that i think he is out there enjoying life. Moving on the way that i should be and the way that i can't. What's wrong with me? I am surely stronger than this.... i swore it to myself... i swore.
I read my blue comp book the other day. Everything that i ever wrote. There is so much and i can recite most of it by heart. I really hated scott. I don't know if that was a front or not. I just wish that i knew what he had done to hurt me so badly. I remember what he said about Chad. That i needed to get over him and shouldn't tear myself apart every month... that hurt and i hated him for saying it... but i don't feel anything when i think about it now. It's just kinda empty. I'm just empty.
I also really liked him and was positive that i he never would return thoes feelings. I have officially been wrong about everything in my life. Why do i even bother anymore?
Why should i bother?
It would have been a month today. He and i never even made it a month...
I hate todays, much like yesterdays and the days before. Tuesdays can officially rot in hell. Chad died on a tuesday. I crashed my car on a Tuesday. And Scott broke up with me on a tuesday... I really really really hate life.
I'm bitter, and sad and i hate this. I hate that i can't be happy. I hate that it's not even been a week. I hate that i have to be on pain pills. I hate that the euphoria doesn't last. I hate the downward spiral my life is in and that no one knows... no one has any idea. We are all good and hiding our dirty laundry, everyone.
I need a sign, something that tells me life is worth living again. I need more than a promise and a word that everything will get better. That's true. I have so much to live for. Good friends trying to make this easier (so hard, to no avail), good future... blah blah blah. It's inspirational life bullshit that has no place in my day to day life. Nothing anyone has said has made this anymore less painful. I'm better than him, i'm more mature than him, he really was telling me lies, there was a good point to not trusting him, other people don't trust him either, he was bound to hurt me, good thing i got away before i was too attatched, he had to many problems for me to deal with, he is an unforgiving jackass... IT DOESN"T WORK! Even repeating these, they don't make any sense to me. I don't care what it was. I was already attatched, he never had to many problems, he was as forgiving as he could be. Everyone has their limits... i don't know, i just don't know.
I can't draw anymore. I start a picture and the girl ends up crying or the guy ends up sad. I just have to put my charcoal away as well as my oil pastels. It's too late, it's been too late for a long time.
I burned the Band Of Brothers Soundtrack and i can't stop listening to it. No it's not because it was scott's favorite TV miniseries, it's because it has some of the most heartbreakingly beautiful music i have ever heard in my life. It makes me sad and happy and everything. It swells and then falls and is angelic and pull my heart right out of my chest.
I can't go to the lake anymore. It hurts to look at he water.
I want to believe that i am stronger than the way i am acting. I have to believe that i am better than this. I feel pathetic and weak and that i can't even take care of myself. This is so ridiculous. I hate this. I hate this so much. I just want it all to be over with. I want to believe that he never existed and then i don't want to do that because i miss him. I miss being his friend. Talking to him. Giving him any kind of hope in life. Being there to comfort him and converse about life. Having him there to comfort me. I miss it. I miss him. I hate this... I hate being the weak one. I hate crying. And i hate the fact that i think he is out there enjoying life. Moving on the way that i should be and the way that i can't. What's wrong with me? I am surely stronger than this.... i swore it to myself... i swore.
I read my blue comp book the other day. Everything that i ever wrote. There is so much and i can recite most of it by heart. I really hated scott. I don't know if that was a front or not. I just wish that i knew what he had done to hurt me so badly. I remember what he said about Chad. That i needed to get over him and shouldn't tear myself apart every month... that hurt and i hated him for saying it... but i don't feel anything when i think about it now. It's just kinda empty. I'm just empty.
I also really liked him and was positive that i he never would return thoes feelings. I have officially been wrong about everything in my life. Why do i even bother anymore?
Why should i bother?
It would have been a month today. He and i never even made it a month...
I hate todays, much like yesterdays and the days before. Tuesdays can officially rot in hell. Chad died on a tuesday. I crashed my car on a Tuesday. And Scott broke up with me on a tuesday... I really really really hate life.
posted by chelC | 6:58 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home