GoOD tHinGs NeVEr LasT
There is nothing to report, but i have the urge to update. Not really update persay as much as write. Document life. Oh yea. Document life so that later on, everything i say on here can be used against me. Oh well. At least i can say that i was honest.
I was writing my novel the other day. That sounds weird to say, but it's true. I started working on the the second book. Well, i'm not sure that it's the second book, it may be the third. I decided to just write the entire thing and then decide where to break it up later on. But considering it's about my life, i wanted to do what i remember the best. And as i was writing i was reliving it. And it just got too painful to write. So i stopped. I'm kind of pissed off that it's going to set me back. I guess i am just going to have to work on other things, until i can write without as much emotion... that's not what i want though. Good writing is supposed to make you feel something. Like you can understand where the author has been. I want to give it another try, but until i am feeling incredibly ambitious i think i am going to do little things like write on here.
Fortunately for me i have been writing on this thing and on my xanga for so long that when i come to a point in writing my book(s) i can go back and read those blogs. They're like notes, that can jog my memory, that way i don't miss a thing. The only thing that i don't really have written about is the New Year and the week that followed. But luckily, i remember that just fine.
******
7/24/06
I went to Johnny's house the past couple of days, being friday and saturday night and i had a good time. I laughed and played a game of beer pong. I don't even remember what we talked about. I remember driving brandon so that he could buy cigarettes, seeing Jesse, meeting Steve Farthing, some other guy, looking like i could lactate beer... I don't know, it's just a huge jumble of light and sound. I called scott and he was mad that i didn't let him talk to Brandon. But as good a time that i had, there was this danger i felt. Not a danger so much as an uneasyness. That's why i left on the second night. I went to Blockbuster, rented a movie and bought two double cheeseburgers. I hadn't eaten anything all day okay? But i went home and the uneasyness was gone... Friday i was able to get completely out of my head. Saturday, i had fun and went home. And did nothing that i regret. I did drive around before i went home. Oh my god, i nearly forgot about that. I went to Michigan.
I think it was last wednesday that i got into an altercation with my mom and she kicked me out of the house. I went to work then i went to hang out with dan. As a side note, i like how his first reaction was, "you can stay in my basement" but not just him. I told heidi and david and both said i could stay with them. It's nice to know I have friends. But after i hung out with dan i told him to just take me home, i was gonna spend one more night in my room and move into my Nana's the next day. Well when i got home, my mom woke up and walked in my room and started giving me shit again and i just grabbed my lappy and got in my car and drove away. I went to New Buffalo because there is a free beach there after nine. I had my pillow still in my backseat and i crashed in the car until it was too hot, then i grabbed the blanket from the trunk and slept on the sand. I happen to see the sunset and went out on the end of the rocks to watch the sky slowly change color. My dad called me that morning and asked me where i was. I told him i wasn't at home. He said no shit and told me not to listen to my mom. I wasn't kicked out of the house, i just had to deal with this shit until he got back from Deluth. And they were going to Chicago for their anniversary so they got back yesterday and it was nice to be able to live in my house and not get bitched at, or play the twenty questions game.
My Nana and i talked and she told me she's afraid that if i go to Seattle, i'll never come back. I told her i will visit her and i have to come back to see Dan and Brandon and he just shook her head and said, "No, when you leave, you'll leave for good." We had a long discussion about the past 17 years of my life and what i have had to deal with. Abusive parents, to eachother and to their children. Both of them using physical and mental tactics to fuck with eachother and us. If they pass on nothing else, it's that i can pick at someone and make them feel absolutely horrible. I know just the right buttons to push and just the right thing to say to get the biggest reaction. And there is no use for a talent like that, it's not something you want to be able to do. But i can. And i have. I can recall moments so vividly they look straight out of a Lifetime movie. But i guess that every child's memory has those moments of when their dad almost killed their mom and as an eleven year old you held the phone and screamed at the top of your lungs "Leave her alone or I'll call the police!! Leave her alone!" This right before you get on the bus to go to school and you dry your eyes and try to block it out so you don't cry and no one will ever find out. Then you come home and find that your mother has been strangled and she pissed herself while she was passed out. She's fine now, but where is your dad? Where is he? Is he coming back? I don't fucking know. And then you realize, no. Not every child had to deal with this. In this Granger suburban life you are few and far between. The people you talk to on a daily basis weren't part of abusive homes. Their parents aren't stuck in a loveless marriage. They weren't physically abandoned by their father for two years and mentally abandoned by their mother at the same time for six months. They didn't basically take care of themselves for six whole months.
For all of this, i resent most people i know, but only in this faction of life. I usually love them, but when they tell me that their life is hard i don't have any sympahty and yet i do.
I shouldn't, because my childhood, that was hard to deal with, i have gotten over it. The memories still hurt, and i will never fully forgive my parents for what they did and the way they hurt me and my sister the most. It's the past though, it can haunt me, but i am not that girl that they abandoned. I made my own life and my own family with the friends that i have. Scott told me on the phone and has been trying to engrain this in my brain for the longest time that the only person in this world that i can rely on is myself. I can't need anyone else. Believe me, if anyone knows that, i do. I couldn't rely on the two grown people who were supposed to take care of me in every faction and keep me safe. But instead of inverting myself and not making friends, i did. I rely on my friends with everything because we all need something to believe in. We can't stand on our own two feet all by ourselves all of the time. If, somehow, i just took my life lesson and didn't rely on anyone, i would be so lonely. Even for the important things, we should be able to rely on someone else a little. It's becoming part of the human existance. If we don't become part of that existance how can we ever influance anyother person's life? If we all don't rely on anyone else, we just float around alone. Completely unattatched. If we go around trusting, even a little, even with everything we have, we make imprints on people and that way long after we are dead there are people who remember us through story and picture. We are far from immortal, but when we die, other people still hold a piece of us.
What do any of us really know about death? The only thing that we know is that we don't come back. So don't tell me everything goes away, that we fade, because you don't know. Don't knock my theory because you cannot prove yours either.
The reason that i do have sympathy for people who say their life is hard is because i don't want them to feel like they are alone. No one should have to deal with excessive pain. Because other people haven't built up a huge tolerance and smaller things can kill them, i am sensitive to that. I don't want people to hurt. I want to help because i know that it can get bad. I really just don't want people to feel they are alone. That thing is the ultimate. Don't be alone.
If i went to Seattle and never came back would you really blame me? Do you believe me that i won't? Do i deserve to run away? Are you going to run away too? Let's all just think for a minute why you need to get away and what you will be doing when you get there. Don't think you don't need to come back, because everyone does.
I spent a lot of the day yesterday remembering. Good memories that immediately kick you in the stomach because you know they are gone.
I was writing my novel the other day. That sounds weird to say, but it's true. I started working on the the second book. Well, i'm not sure that it's the second book, it may be the third. I decided to just write the entire thing and then decide where to break it up later on. But considering it's about my life, i wanted to do what i remember the best. And as i was writing i was reliving it. And it just got too painful to write. So i stopped. I'm kind of pissed off that it's going to set me back. I guess i am just going to have to work on other things, until i can write without as much emotion... that's not what i want though. Good writing is supposed to make you feel something. Like you can understand where the author has been. I want to give it another try, but until i am feeling incredibly ambitious i think i am going to do little things like write on here.
Fortunately for me i have been writing on this thing and on my xanga for so long that when i come to a point in writing my book(s) i can go back and read those blogs. They're like notes, that can jog my memory, that way i don't miss a thing. The only thing that i don't really have written about is the New Year and the week that followed. But luckily, i remember that just fine.
******
7/24/06
I went to Johnny's house the past couple of days, being friday and saturday night and i had a good time. I laughed and played a game of beer pong. I don't even remember what we talked about. I remember driving brandon so that he could buy cigarettes, seeing Jesse, meeting Steve Farthing, some other guy, looking like i could lactate beer... I don't know, it's just a huge jumble of light and sound. I called scott and he was mad that i didn't let him talk to Brandon. But as good a time that i had, there was this danger i felt. Not a danger so much as an uneasyness. That's why i left on the second night. I went to Blockbuster, rented a movie and bought two double cheeseburgers. I hadn't eaten anything all day okay? But i went home and the uneasyness was gone... Friday i was able to get completely out of my head. Saturday, i had fun and went home. And did nothing that i regret. I did drive around before i went home. Oh my god, i nearly forgot about that. I went to Michigan.
I think it was last wednesday that i got into an altercation with my mom and she kicked me out of the house. I went to work then i went to hang out with dan. As a side note, i like how his first reaction was, "you can stay in my basement" but not just him. I told heidi and david and both said i could stay with them. It's nice to know I have friends. But after i hung out with dan i told him to just take me home, i was gonna spend one more night in my room and move into my Nana's the next day. Well when i got home, my mom woke up and walked in my room and started giving me shit again and i just grabbed my lappy and got in my car and drove away. I went to New Buffalo because there is a free beach there after nine. I had my pillow still in my backseat and i crashed in the car until it was too hot, then i grabbed the blanket from the trunk and slept on the sand. I happen to see the sunset and went out on the end of the rocks to watch the sky slowly change color. My dad called me that morning and asked me where i was. I told him i wasn't at home. He said no shit and told me not to listen to my mom. I wasn't kicked out of the house, i just had to deal with this shit until he got back from Deluth. And they were going to Chicago for their anniversary so they got back yesterday and it was nice to be able to live in my house and not get bitched at, or play the twenty questions game.
My Nana and i talked and she told me she's afraid that if i go to Seattle, i'll never come back. I told her i will visit her and i have to come back to see Dan and Brandon and he just shook her head and said, "No, when you leave, you'll leave for good." We had a long discussion about the past 17 years of my life and what i have had to deal with. Abusive parents, to eachother and to their children. Both of them using physical and mental tactics to fuck with eachother and us. If they pass on nothing else, it's that i can pick at someone and make them feel absolutely horrible. I know just the right buttons to push and just the right thing to say to get the biggest reaction. And there is no use for a talent like that, it's not something you want to be able to do. But i can. And i have. I can recall moments so vividly they look straight out of a Lifetime movie. But i guess that every child's memory has those moments of when their dad almost killed their mom and as an eleven year old you held the phone and screamed at the top of your lungs "Leave her alone or I'll call the police!! Leave her alone!" This right before you get on the bus to go to school and you dry your eyes and try to block it out so you don't cry and no one will ever find out. Then you come home and find that your mother has been strangled and she pissed herself while she was passed out. She's fine now, but where is your dad? Where is he? Is he coming back? I don't fucking know. And then you realize, no. Not every child had to deal with this. In this Granger suburban life you are few and far between. The people you talk to on a daily basis weren't part of abusive homes. Their parents aren't stuck in a loveless marriage. They weren't physically abandoned by their father for two years and mentally abandoned by their mother at the same time for six months. They didn't basically take care of themselves for six whole months.
For all of this, i resent most people i know, but only in this faction of life. I usually love them, but when they tell me that their life is hard i don't have any sympahty and yet i do.
I shouldn't, because my childhood, that was hard to deal with, i have gotten over it. The memories still hurt, and i will never fully forgive my parents for what they did and the way they hurt me and my sister the most. It's the past though, it can haunt me, but i am not that girl that they abandoned. I made my own life and my own family with the friends that i have. Scott told me on the phone and has been trying to engrain this in my brain for the longest time that the only person in this world that i can rely on is myself. I can't need anyone else. Believe me, if anyone knows that, i do. I couldn't rely on the two grown people who were supposed to take care of me in every faction and keep me safe. But instead of inverting myself and not making friends, i did. I rely on my friends with everything because we all need something to believe in. We can't stand on our own two feet all by ourselves all of the time. If, somehow, i just took my life lesson and didn't rely on anyone, i would be so lonely. Even for the important things, we should be able to rely on someone else a little. It's becoming part of the human existance. If we don't become part of that existance how can we ever influance anyother person's life? If we all don't rely on anyone else, we just float around alone. Completely unattatched. If we go around trusting, even a little, even with everything we have, we make imprints on people and that way long after we are dead there are people who remember us through story and picture. We are far from immortal, but when we die, other people still hold a piece of us.
What do any of us really know about death? The only thing that we know is that we don't come back. So don't tell me everything goes away, that we fade, because you don't know. Don't knock my theory because you cannot prove yours either.
The reason that i do have sympathy for people who say their life is hard is because i don't want them to feel like they are alone. No one should have to deal with excessive pain. Because other people haven't built up a huge tolerance and smaller things can kill them, i am sensitive to that. I don't want people to hurt. I want to help because i know that it can get bad. I really just don't want people to feel they are alone. That thing is the ultimate. Don't be alone.
If i went to Seattle and never came back would you really blame me? Do you believe me that i won't? Do i deserve to run away? Are you going to run away too? Let's all just think for a minute why you need to get away and what you will be doing when you get there. Don't think you don't need to come back, because everyone does.
I spent a lot of the day yesterday remembering. Good memories that immediately kick you in the stomach because you know they are gone.
Well you disappeared on the Eastern Sky
Parades in the rain
Everytime i see you
Just dissappear again
Everytime you're leavin
I don't know what to say
I don't want to see this all turn
Go away
So could you tell me
Why you're leavein
Cause i don't know why it has to be so
Could you tell me
Why you leavin
Cause i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know
All this
Ending love songs
Come into my eyes
But everytime i see you
I'm alive
I'm alive
So could you tell me
Why you're leavin
Cause i don't know why it has to be so
Could you tell me
Why you're leavin
Cause i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know
posted by chelC | 1:24 PM
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