i cLose uP My MouTh WHeN yoU're ArounD, i'm SuffocaTin iN doUbT. i aLwAYs waNteD To Be tHe oNe YOu LOoKed to foR aNSwERs iN me

A beautiful and crushing fact that i learned today. I am not okay. I have been able to admit that. And i think that being able to say it out loud, may have really helped me. It may also be the person that i told. There is no way to fix me. I am amazed at how broken i am. It's like the part inside of me that makes the rest of the inside of me work has been completely destroyed. I can't understand simple things. I can't reason, i don't want to. Most of all, i don't know what to do. I am completely lost... I think that better explains what i am going through than just saying my heart is broken. More simply if you want it that way, I feel like my heart is broken. I don't see a point to anything. Even writing this seems like a waste.
I don't want to write this because i don't want people to know how weak i am. In my mind, there is a correlation to bad things happening and me showing my weakness. As soon as i show people that i can crack under pressure, that i am not a perfect human being and always do the right and honest thing, i have lost respect that i can never get back. Someone gets mad at me and i spend months, if not the rest of my life, fighting to get back to good, back to close to where i used to be in that persons memory. And at the same time when i am hurt by someone i am so quickly to forget it. Ususally the people i care about the most i want to forget hurt me at all. I hold on to the instances to get back at them, usually when i fuck up again. It never really works out. But at the same time, i want to write this because i need to. I need to remember this and just how this feels. I need it to be floating in the expanse of internet space so perhaps someone may stumble across it. I need to mean something to someone out there.
I sat in Brandon's back yard today, wet. I want to know why i can't get past this. Why i simply am not moving on. What about Scott is so amazing that i just don't understand. What i don't know, i just want to know something. I don't know so much. I am so hurt and even that i didn't understand.
I miss Scott. He was a part of my everyday life. I had expecations for this realtionship. I was prepared for it to take me to places i have never been. Brandon told me that and i believe it. I put more than myself in it, i put my faith and my energy and all of my heart. And it ended on what i think where horrible and stupid terms. I had all of my work thrown back in my face.
I miss him because he was my friend. He confided in me once. We worked through such horrible problems. He had patience with me which he did not have for everyone. And while at times i wore his patience thin and saw that, there were times when he didn't show his wear at all and he took things slow and cried with me because i needed him to. Because he couldn't do anything else. He was one of my best friends. And since best friends are supposed to get you through the tough times like break ups, i don't have that help, that luxury. Our friendship has been broken apart and he can't talk to me. Or just won't.
I would call, what's the point. What am i supposed to do? I don't really like talking on the phone when i know the person is only three miles from my house. What are we supposed to talk about. I don't have any small talk i want to bust out. I want to talk about the issue, but i don't want to at the same time. I don't want to feel like i am beating a dead horse and just can't let this go. Yet, i don't know how to move on. I don't want him to feel bad.
I want to see him so badly and i can't see him because it hurts so much.
I want to be his friend again. I want to talk and laugh with him and would do anything in the world to get back to that. But the problem is i also really want to be his girlfriend again. I want him to look me in the face and feel like there is no one else in the world. That outside of my black beetle there is no existance. All there is are the two of us and the look on his face that he is happy. That he cares for me like he never cared about anyone else in the world. In those moments, there never could be anyone else... ever. And i can't do both. I can't aim at two targets, i'll never hit either. I can't be his friend wanting to be his girlfriend because the "what if" of the situation would kill me. And i can't be his girlfriend because that is something that he can't do...
I should be able to forgive him for putting me through this anguish, but i would. And i hate myself for being so forgiving. I hate myself for being so hurt over this. For believing that things aren't getting better.
I have this feeling that as i sit here alone and cry. Or i lay in my bed crying, wishing for just the mere pain of everything to end, he is laughing. He is out there having a good time. Surrounded by his friends. Smoking a cigarette and not caring where i am or what i am doing. I don't even cross his mind. I don't make him hurt, that he isn't hurting over this at all. Brandon assures me that isn't true. Scott told me the day after we broke up he sat around his house being completely miserable. But there is something in me, that makes me want to hurt myself to spite myself in a way, that tells me i didn't mean that much. And Brandon asked me if when i was out there laughing and smiling did i ever think that Scott might be out there feeling miserable and crying. No. That thought never crossed my mind because i don't think that it happens. I don't think he hurts. Isn't that a stupid fucking thing to say. But i don't think he will have trouble moving on. Maybe because he broke my heart. He called it quits... not me...
I want to forget he ever existed. If i could i would do what they did in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind. I would get rid of these memories. I would erase him completely. Because i remember the reason that i fell for him. I know all the good times forewards and backwards and i know there is no way that they can ever happen again. They haunt me. I have no memories of pain that hurt me more than the way thinking about being with him that kills me even more. The look on his face haunts me and kills me and makes me want to die. He loved me once... that i know. Once upon a time, and it hurts.
I hate walking around right now and not showing at all that i am crushed. I hate smiling because i don't want to smile. Nothing makes me genuinely happy when i am alone. Perhaps there are people out there who make me happy. But at the end of the day, i am alone. I am thinking to myself and all i want to do is talk to Scott. I want to see his face. I want to see him happy. I want him back. I hate myself for it. I hate saying it. It sounds pathetic. I hate this, all of it.
I hear his name and it's like someone kicked me in the stomach. I hear about him through other people and it's painful, but i want to hear about him. I want to know what he's doing, know that he is okay, and i hurt a little knowing that he is just fine. I feel like he doesn't have anyone left to really confide in. That's just me thinking too much of myself. But i was someone he could confide in. I care what happens to him, as much as i don't want to. He tied to my heart for a reason that i want to stop questioning. I just accept. I don't want him to move on, but it would put some distance between us and i think i would stop hurting as much. That might be a lie. It may hurt even more. Like i said, i don't know what to do at all. I don't know. I can't fix this. I don't feel better.
I want him to know that i miss him. I think he does.
I am not okay. There are moments when i am. Don't doubt that. But the bad outweighs the good and i don't trust myself about anything. This hurts. That sounds stupid. But, a broken heart is the worst thing because sometimes those don't mend... i will never be as i was. I am forever broken. There will be shards left in me for those to find when i am dead...