i WanNa heaR WhaT yOU hAVe tO SaY abOUT me, if YouR GonNA LiVE wiThouT me, i WANNA Hear wHAt YoU WaNT

I tried to call Scott last night. It took me nearly five minutes of looking at 'Scottatious' on my LCD before i was able to actually hit the SEND button. But i took a deep breath and then mumbled to myself incoherant worries of what to talk about. Luckily? he hit the ignore button and i didn't have to come up with things to say. How do i know he ignored me? It only rang twice. That's why when i want people to think i really just missed their call, i let it ring and dance to my ringtone. I then spent three minutes recovering and decided to write an entry on here, but i accidentally signed off the internet and i took that as a sign from god that i should just let it go for the night.
Last night kinda pissed me off that and the fact that i sent him a txt to which he did not reply. I somehow think that it would be easy to get to that point that i am just so pissed off at how much he is acting like a child and the hurtful things he has said to me would just get me so that i am so mad i wouldn't care. I would write him off. In fact, i know that i would already have enough of that built up except once i am almost at that point, i remember something beautiful or some across some old parchement i have left to find and my hate crumbles. Everything i would have worked for, falls and then i fall into a deep sadness somewhere that i can't see the surface. I don't know a way out and i feel all alone again. I feel like the world is playing a cruel joke on me. Poor ChelC, boo hoo.
Yesterday at work i was laughing with heather dancing to my ringtone and then i had to go take my break. I sat in the back and sipped on my banana cream smoothie and then thought that in that moment Scott could have been sad. For this expirament in thinking, he was sad which upon further reflection, i have decided he was not. But why did i not think that he was sad at that moment when i was happy. And it's because it did not matter. When we are happy we don't remember all of the other people that are hurt or dying in that moment that we laugh. There is no one else in that moment of joy. We laugh and that fills all of us. No matter how empty we feel right after. When we laugh, for real, we are really happy, even if it's about stupid things, it just doesn't matter. Happiness can't last forever, that's why love was created. But if the events of my life have shown anything, it's that love can't last forever. So, what else? What now?
I am going to try and hold on to the hate that i feel. It makes moving on with life soo much easier. And that's a sad fact. I will not be friends with Scott if this is the way that i am able to cope. I am supposed to give him sufficient time to deal with whatever he has to deal with. Then we can be friends again. Then he can call... Then i don't know what. One of us in this situation ends up being selfish. He is being selfish by taking all this time. I am selfish by thinking he should call. But whenever he comes around, i should just answer? Because now that he's okay, we can talk, but not before? It's all depending on him. Whether this takes him another week or if this takes him forever. And the not knowing kills me too. Whatever. This is starting to smell like bullshit.
Chemical will always keep me tied. It's like a pent up reaction. But chemicals can react with more than one other element. It still scares me that once i react, i always will. I'm just going to have more self control... or try. I just have to be vindictive. That'll work fine.