wE miGht MaKE OuT whEN NoBodys tHEre, it'S nOt thAT we'Re ScaREd, iT's JuST thAT it'S DeLiCATe

It's been one hell of a day. Nothing out of the ordinary, and not really difficult at all. It was a day just like any other... So what is so hellish about it? That statement even puzzles me, but it fell out of my fingertips and onto this screen, so it must be fact. And i am not about to erase a fact from this perfect memory of mine, no matter how coded and abridged it might be. I dare say i may even be ommiting fact. *GASP* It's nothing we didn't alread know though is it? All the times i said i was going to be honest, that this was for me and for no one else, "fuck the rest of the world and what everyone thinks" Yea, even still i has miss concious inside my head telling me not to go too much in detail. It looks obsessive, you can't let on that much... bad things will happen if you do this or do that. Blah blah blah. And everytime i conceed. Alright, it's better that i don't... i don't want to make waves... Ect.
I had this discussion with Brandon the other day, last night at like one, about scott. We aren't talking. Does that make us friends? Yes, it does, but in a very weird way, huh? I want to have faith in that, i have hope that we can do at least that much. I told Brandon about my gut feeling that things just aren't over, and he said her has a feeling that they very much are, forever... that's a scary word, forever. It's so powerful, i don't really like the duty of wielding it. Brandon has a very firm way of crushing any hope out of my existance. I am not putting all my eggs in one basket, i am not even certain i will ever talk to scott the same again, but it seems that Brandon wants to crush me into the ground. Take it all away and put me in my place. Almost with a vindictive air to his voice. The way as though this is a game a sort of payback. He can so sweetly kill me. "I'm just saying... NEVER". It's all the same, no matter how you do it, sugar coat it or not. If he wants to ground me, give his oppinion, whatever... it's painful. It pushes me to almost hostility. It's either be hostile or just cry out, "Why? I don't understand". That doesn't make much sense... I can't describe my self the way that i should. Words fail.
I miss the confidence that i had. The best friend that i had. I went through all the memories in my mind, the good and the bad. It hurt to think of them. I could relive every single thing that happened. Remember the taste of blood in my mouth after biting my lips through hours of conversation. I remember the dim lighting and how i lost my perfect sight. I remember the way that my sheets bunched together and how i picked the lint off my clothing. Looking at the phone, closing my eyes. Crying away a pound of mascara. I remember everything far too well...
That's another thing, Brandon doesn't believe that Scott and i were truly friends. We just hung out with eachother because we had friends (Brandon) in common. It's a very one sided way to look at it. But Brandon chocked up Scott and my's friendship to physical attraction. He thought i was cute and i thought he was cute and because we couldn't hook up initially we decided friends was the obvious other route. But that belittles my entire existance with him. No one has memory of the things that he and i talked about. The problems i faced and how he knew that, the things that he confided in me and vice versa. And no one ever will. Those are confidences i am not about to break. No one was me, no one is him, no one will ever know, but the fact that someone is stupid enough to think that he knows the whole story and make a judgement as ludacris as that... fuck me.
How can someone diagnose something from the outside. Pass a judgement without knowing the whole story and by only what they saw. It doesn't make any sense. Based on what they know... they can only know so much. It bugs me, that is a big thing that is bugging me. People telling me what to do. Giving me advice on how to handle the situation. Move on, stay still, give time, give space, sit, play dead... good girl.
I read this is a book today and it struck a chord with me. I just love it and i would love to use it if i ever get the chance. I don't really want the chance, but should i happen upon it, meh...
"That's why i've never understood suicide. Even those suffering from great depression or guilt, don't they feel Christ the Comforter in their hearts, giving them hope?"
"You're asking me?"
"God not being convenient, I ask a fellow mortal."
"In my view, suicide is not really the wish for life to end."
"What is it, then?"
"It's the only way a powerless person can find to make everybody else look away from his shame. The wish is not to die, but to hide."
...."If only such sad people could remember:Everyone wants to hide. But life is still sweet. Let it go."
I am agnostic, so i don't know how to fully feel about this, but what the hell. It's a good conversation. A good explanation... I think... maybe.. kinda.
I feel weird about all i've said. I feel more so tired though. Whether this starts shit or not. I'm not mad, i'm not hostile anymore. I feel no more anger in my body. I just needed to release my frustration. It's so hard to tell someone anything... especially when it is so close to your heart and guarded so dutifully... everything comes out in the end, with reason. And somethings, go into death... It's just one of those thing...