tO ThiNk i miGht noT sEe thOse EyEs, MakE's it SO hARd nOt tO Cry

This last week of life has been. It's hard to think that it's only been three days since my last update. I sure am doing this close together. Seriously there has been so much that's happend, I haven't slept all that much and one of those nights i stayed out the duration... good times.
So that same thursday, I had to work and i gave Brandon a call during work telling him we needed to hang out afterwards. He agreed. He was chillin with Whit and Wren and Suz and Steve bowling or something, anyway, he was going to come over and chill with me afterwards. I had a feeling i was not going to be coming home that night so i told my mom i was spending the night at Wren's house. We got into my car and we fled, R Kelly style... not really.
I didn't feel like being in this town anymore. Brandon felt my shared pain and we went north. Whenever i feel like i can't deal with this Indiana life anymore, i go to michigan. So we were driving north. I didn't know where the fuck we were going, away was the important part. We just kepot going. Past St. Joe, past South Haven, Past Grand Haven... i knew if i kept going up 31 i would end up in Frankfort. I had toyed with the idea before, but i never would because i didn't want Scott to be mad at me. I knew that would be like the unforgivable thing. On thursday/friday morning, i didn't care anymore. I didn't care if he was mad, sad, indifferent. I had alread done something unforgiveable and he wasn't even talking to me, how much more mad could he be? Really? So we went. Me and Brandon drove all night to end up in Frankfort at around 3 in the morning.
The drive there was something spectacular. I felt that i hadn't had a real conversation with Brandon in weeks. There was the pool on monday when i had a complete breakdown and came to terms with the not being okay about a broken relationship with someone i was still in love with? I hated myself for being stupid and believing that he wasn't hurting... i don't think he is. Whatever... it didn't count as a real talk. It was just a crisis talk. I talked about how i just decided to be mad at Scott for being stupid about thise break up by not talking to me. Basically refusing to be my friend. He and i never will be the way we were. I will always be wondering, not keeping it in the back of my mind. He knows that, prolly why he refuses to see me. I wouldn't kiss him. That would be stupid... I can't win, i want to be his friend and his girlfriend... life doesn't work that way. I should just hate him, it would make things easier. I thought about for the first time, i might be the best thing that happend to scott and he threw me away. Has he ever known anyone as forgiving as me? Anyone that loved him as unquestioningly? Has he ever had anyone trust him with everything, the truth, the ugly parts... everything? I have promise, i have a future, i wasn't bad looking. I liked hockey. That's the package. I would support him in whatever he wanted to do in his life, and he didn't care? I don't know, but i think he will really miss me. I think that it was a mistake. I hope he sees that. I hope that he hurts about it. I can see him thirty years old sitting in SNS still with Melody and Ian and still philosophizing on life working at a dead end job, really fat, still smoking, dying from lung cancer maybe, alone or miserable with his wife, and it makes me feel bad and good. I like thinking i was good for him and that this is what he amounted to, and bad because that is a really bitchy thought to have... i have to hate or i will die...
Problem now is, i'm starting to feel alone again and i can only think of the beautiful things about him again and soon, if i continue, i'll miss him... i hope not.
Brandon also talked about Wren a touch... things, as always are having mitigating effects on out lives.
The Stars in Frankfort were amazing. I have never seen that many in all my life. The moon was out, but even with that light, there were thousands in the sky. We walked out on the beach and i kept spinning losing sight of what i had already seen and what i was seeing for the first time. I tried to point out constellations that i already knew, but, there were simply too many stars. That was the second time in my life i have seen the milky way. The first was a simple hit of where it was, this was full on milky way like i have only seen in pictures. The way that the light danced on the lake and made it look like everything was moving in slow motion to the sheer number of little lights glowing in the sky, it was just a fucking surreal moment. A surreal place. Places that beautiful don't really exist. It's hard to think this is only like 4 and a half hours north of my life... I love it.
Brandon and i sat on the swings conversing. I laughed my ass off, i nearly cried a million times... I thought of everything beautiful in my life. I thought about how much i can't live without Brandon there. How much i take Dan for granted. How much i miss the person that i was. That was a good hearted person who let others know just how much she loved them. And just how afraid i am to tell people what they mean to me. I want to do things for other people without getting things in return, without having something in it for me. For once in my life, i want to do something selfless and have that be okay. Not be quesitoned. I want to tell the truth and let it be felt that this is the motherfucking truth and there is no other way about it. I want to love someone. I want to be loved. I want anything, i want something, i want nothing... I want my innoscence back. Do people believe me anymore? Do they? I just don't feel the same.
I fell on my back, and i looked up. I did cry. I cried at how beautiful it was. I cried that i had come to this place against one of my best friends wishes. I cried that i went there without him. And still i was so mad that i just wanted to punch something.
It was truly a beauty that no one can take away from me.
Me and Brandon hiked up to Pyramid Pointe, and as tired as i was, it didn't phase me. I fell down, got back up, laughed, fell down again, repeat. We made it to the top in time to see the sun rise... I have never seen anything like that. The water was far too blue, the little pieces of land... amazing. I can't describe it enough. I can't tell you how i was blown away. How the colors changing fucked with my mind. I loved it. The company wasn't bad either. I looked to my left and saw my best friend. I saw the person that had been with me through bad times and good. who stayed... he stayed even when he knew how fucked up i was. How i keep making the same mistakes and how he never would leave me because i can't stand on my own all the time. We will always be friends... always.
We left that same morning because i had to work and how i wish i hadn't. I was tired as fucking hell so Brandon drove most of the way home. At the stop for gas and a bag of chips, i took over driving duty. I hated sleeping, but i couldn't stay up anymore.
I came home and went to lunch with dan after another half hour nap or so... haha...i was so wasted.
Work was fun, and then i was so glad it ended.
I went home, and passed the fuck out..
I will always remember that night.
I will always remember my best friend.
I will always remember feeling alone.
I will always remember feeling whole.
I will always remember the stars and water.
I will always remember who was missing.
I will always remember everything happens for a reason.
I will always remember no one was missing, i just am wishing for another time.
I will always remember that feeling won't last forever.