whEN tHe CaSUaLty raTEs nEaR 100% tHERe isn'T a PeNsiOn FoR SeCONd beST

I can hear the train blowing it's whistle from so far away. And i can even hear how the cars are racing past on the rails. I used to live next to the train tracks back on Fairmont street. I used to wake up in the middle of the night when the train would go past the house. Everything would shake and the horn was so loud. After a while, it became the comforting sound. It meant that i was home. When we moved to the country, yes i considered Granger the country, i couldn't go to sleep because it was so quiet. I would lay with my head next to the open window and listen to the silence. There wasn't car noise or sounds of shouting and there wasn't the train. During that summer we moved i was sitting listening to the silence, getting used to it really and i heard it, just like i do now, a train, somewhere not so far in the distance and i smiled. I was home, and i finally felt it. The train always means home. For whatever reason.
It's one of the darker nights in a while. It's still warm, but the stars are nice. I think i see three.
Listening to Death Cab For Cutie, something that i just don't do much anymore. It reminds me of something that i can't quite put my finger on. Perhaps because it just reminds me of too much. Plans has this strange feeling attatched. I got my hands on it after everyone left for college last year and it was a perfect telling of my life and some of the connections with my friends. "We left our love in our summer skin..." i was afraid of that. It also reminds me of drivng to Purdue and even more than that drivng to Holland Michigan the day after my sister's wedding. Nearly falling asleep on the road. I was sad that day, i still don't know why. Also, Bella Vita. I went to the parking lot, i had left Scott and Brandon inside i was leaving, i was hurt because i couldn't understand. I felt more alone than i thought i should in a room with my best friends. I stared into an empty field and cried. Something i'll never forget, the bass line, never. Transatlantacism, it reminds me of being in love. Being afraid of not knowing what's coming next. The song Transatlantacism i think of sitting in Scott's chair, asleep, or half asleep and singing along. Just the refrain, "I need you so much closer" I couldn't, in my daze, remember the name of the song or who was singing, so i made myself remember those words. So i could figure it out in the morning. I was driving with Brandon after getting breakfast at the Four Seasons listening to the Passenger Seat. With my feet on the dash i lived that song, minus the stars. Had there been stars it would have been lived, again, because i assume Ben Gibbard lived it once already. I remember the Lake. Driving in Michigan just listening to the words and being moved. Where will i ever find that? It's the music full of memories. I'll never clense those notes of the emotions and memories of my life they have been stained with.
I was watching something, something stupid on TV. OH! it was the whole Mel Gibson anti-semite comment. Stupid. And this stupid bitch said i would forgive him if he can prove that he means his apology. He is going to have to prove through his actions that he is sorry, the words are not enough. Here is my problem. He only said anti-semetic comments. He didn't kill a jew or anything. So, why can't people accept an apology? Why does something always have to be proven? Why can't people forgive and forget? It's the stupidest thing ever. People say things that they don't mean sometimes. They are drunk, or worked up, or just are hurting and they don't know what else to do. I just want people to be able to work past problems. I want more forgiving humans, we are capable. I know it. Why can't we show it?
I was saving my summer reading work on my computer. And i made a new folder for it. It was added at the end of the alphabet of course and i read two items that were titled 'Scott' and 'Scotty'. I never go through my compy. I just do the work and save and i'm out. Quick, no mess. And out of curiosity i read the one titled 'Scotty'. I was warped back to a year ago and some change. It was the first discussion that scott and i ever had online. I told him everything and i realized that i loved him then. We were able to talk about it. We could have talked about anything. I reguarded him as one of the college kids i would miss so dearly. One that i loved and would lose. We were friends. He had sympathy for me, and respect. Something, i miss.
I saw him at Steak N' shake last night. First time since i kissed him. I looked at him. But my heart didn't leap out of my chest the way it did. I didn't have that nagging at my mind, like the way it does when you tell a lie. I wasn't lying or holding back. I gave him a hug and i felt like i walked back into an old suit. the friend suit. It was warm and familiar. And i was happy. I know now that a lot of what we had was romantic tension. He pumped me for information, always about Brandon. In our very first convo he asked me why he (Brandon) wasn't responding. Maybe he was just chasing Amy, maybe he just said something in the heat of the moment.
For the first time, at Pizza King tonight, i had to face the idea that perhaps my most beloved theory is wrong. It's chemistry. Once we react with someone, we always react. Somewhere a part of us will alway cling to another part of someone else, someone we loved and connected with. But, it can't be so because when i saw scott, i felt it was too late. That, what we had, faded. I didn't find amazingly attractive, or anything like that. I saw someone i used to know. An old friend. I fear that's what we'll always be, just old freinds that don't really talk, catch up for the sake of holding on to something that neither of us are anymore.
That was something i saw in the way we talked to eachother in that first instant message. I loved him last summer. I know that, i can say it, easily. From then, he changed, slowly at first, in my eyes anyway. I clung to him last summer. Beautiful in my memory. Infallible. I don't think i love him now. There was an air of mystery to both of us that i think kept us in eachother's lives. We truly cared about a perfect stranger because all we wanted to do was help. Was to have someone else who felt our pain. We weren't alone.
I found something in my drawer not long ago. Something i printed off and stuck somewhere i knew i would find again when the moment was opportune.
"chelsea locked her keys out of her car this morning, just before i was supposed to leave. so i floated her some 50 bucks and then we had the locksmith come out to my house and open her car...on an off note the bastard totally ganked my bed from me my last night in town. and chelsea you can't say anythingto this one so don't try lol. she goes 'i'll be back in forty minutes.' fifty minutes later i find her in my room, totally passed out. so booch and myself decide to go to sleep ourselves, i try and wake chelsea up by talking to her, but it literally didn't work. and i didn't want to be a douche and wake her up, sop i stuffed my asshole self back down and let her have my bed, and i slept on the couch. i really was looking foreward to sleeping in my bed, but after i saw how peaceful she was, i just gave up really easily. i don't know, i guess i'm just a nice guy, way way way deep down. just don't spread the word around lol.
"i've come to the conclusion that i really do hate a lot of people...i really do. but i love a whole lot more. there are a very few people in this world, that i've finally begin to understand. it doesn't matter what they do, i can never hate them, or dislike them. there are a very few people in this world that no matter what they did to me i would always be there, right beside them, to assist and help then and guide them if need be in absolutely any way that i can. there are a very few select people in this world, that if they need me, i don't care what i 'm doing, i'll drop whatever it is (however important) to go and help them in any way that i can. i've begun to understand what i feel is a new plateau, and era of love in my life. i won't call it unconditional, because who knows if it is, but i realize that the love i hold for some people is ridiculous in it's quantity and power. there are a very few people in this world that i will love forever, no matter what they did, where they went, or however distant they may want to be from me, for whatever reason."
-Scott Knevels.
i am just glad that not everything got erased from that site of his. Some of it was amazing, like this. That excerpt is on a page with the interpretation of that weekend or some common thread if you will from both mine and brandon's blog or xanga. It basically outlines the way that we loved eachother and were friends, for forever in our minds at least. But who the fuck can see forever? Apparently not us. but we did love. It's things like that i miss. Doing anything for eachother. We would have done everything.
There is a reason that photographs fade.
I don't want to fall in love anymore. I don't see the point. It hasn't lasted. Not even with friends. The unconditional love we might have had, it's just a memory. And i am praying more than anything, that someone will prove me wrong.