aND i KnoW iT's EaSy to SaY bUt iT's HArder tO feEL, thiS wAY

I was sitting here and my stomach was hurting so i thought, what would be better than putting a few of my thoughts down on some digital paper? That's right, nothing is better than this very thing. Nothing.
I had an interesting night of dreams and such. Basically i am a huge ho in my dreams. No, not really a ho. But i do end up having some intense romantic moments with people i don't even know. People i pass in the hallway, or have seen only once in my life. It's one of those great things that only happens in dreams. What if? That was the game that was made for dreams. Really it was.
I just searched the web for about twenty minutes reading about my zodiac sign. Interesting things, let me tell you. I was surprised to find out just how right on it was about my personality. And the other signs i read sound just like my friends too. It says that i lose interest easily. All i want to do is inspire in people what they can not get elsewhere. I find a project, or an idea and i stick with it, no matter what gets in my way. I am strong willed and let few things i want get away. It makes me smile. Future endeavors, what an exciting time to have... maybe.
I know brandon must be getting tired of hearing about this, because he doubts me so very much, but i really can't wait until Mitch gets home. I have a lot of next weekend off because of the music performances i have, and that gives me a lot of nights off, including next saturday. That gives me opportunity. I don't know what it is, but Mitch intrigues me. There is a story there, and i have a feeling it's a good one. That and he's lost his entire faith in women kind. Who am i to say that i don't want to put a little faith back in him, or have him put some faith in me... reawr.
There's a lot i don't understand. But as time is going on, i feel like i am coming to terms with something that is bigger than me. I feel that all of the walls that i built around myself to keep me in the dark are falling down and i feel like my eyes are dialating and i see everything. I feel like i am filled with a warm light and all i can do is look around me and smile. That and i look in people's faces and smile. I feel different, I feel sane, tame. I like the way things are going right now.
I find myself talking to Kyle a lot in robotics and it makes me feel good about life. All we do is laugh and make fun of the things that would otherwise drive us crazy. Heidi says she would like to see us date. HA! I don't think so, he's just my good friend. Kyle says that his dream is to see me and Mitch date. Kyle thought we had a bit of a thing goin on back when we all saw Borat together..... It's hard to explain. Perhaps me and mitch did have a thing, but it's like we take a step forward and two steps back. It's a dance, and if it wasn't a dance, maybe i wouldn't enjoy myself as much. I will admit it's fucking annoying sometimes when you want to sit down enjoy that movie and hold hands, but hey, it's about the chase right? Right. So i hope kyle's dream comes true, although i kind of laughed it off to begin with. We'll see what happens this week. I here i have an impatient streak, so i hope something moves in the forward direction.
Sometimes when i close my eyes i am on a boat somewhere in the middle of the pacific. I am sitting on the deck in the sunshine just looking out at the water. I don't have a job, i don't need one. My life is on the ocean, and that's all i need. If life was that perfect, that's what it would be. Nothing but water, peace, and someone to share it with. That's all that we really want, someone to be happy with. At least that's all i've ever wanted.
I want my sister to have a baby really badly all of a sudden. I want to be a sweet ass aunt, the way that i know i will eventually be. I just want a taste of the future as i know it will be. I will get married, move, somewhere, have a job, and the thing that i want most, start a family. I want to have children someday, i don't want all this sweet genetic make-up to be wasted. I never realized until lately how really important kids are to me. I understand for other people that they don't want kids, or don't really care one way or another. But, to have something that is half you and half of the one person that you absolutely can't live without, doesn't that make it the most wonderful thing in the world. I know that it is responsibility and for all real purpose, a shit load of debt, it's my legacy. It's my immortality, a piece of me living and passing on an even tinier piece of me into the future. Having a niece or nephew would remind me of what the future is going to bring. Mmmm...
Right now, the only thing that i want to do is go up to that beautiful room of mine, turn on that beautiful "death" mix of mine, from a time where i really thought i might die, and fall asleep with melodies of Joshua and Damien swirling round my head. That and i need to go tanning tomorrow. I would also just love to hit the gym, but i somehow feel that ain't gonna happen.
It's funny how things we do over and over in a specific period of our life take us right back to that time in our life. This now explains how i cannot even look at a Sudoku and why i still have not had everclear/atomic koolaid. Sometimes there are just certain things you got to leave behind.