yEs fOR tOniGHT, i'LL staY hERe wiTh yOu, bUt wHen THE sUNLighT hiTS yOUr EyES, thEre'LL Be NothiNg yOU cAN dO

I woke up this moring, forgetting what day it was, afraid that i had slept in until noon and that i would have to leave straightaway for work. Imagine my surprise and happiness when i found that it was still saturday and iwas awake at the early hour of nine. I rolled back over and listened to the playlist on my computer. It's really beautiful. I makes me smile, and cry and laugh all at the same time.
Cry: Damien Rice, O, and a little of the B-Sides is on there. There is a quality about that album that will alway pull at my heart. Plus, i listen to it and am reminded that one night a long time ago... almost a year, my two best friends stayed with me until three in the morning while i cried, and cried, listening to that album in the dark. I had never felt more vulnerable in front of people, and i never will.
Smile: Joshua Radin is on there a bunch too, and it's really soothing. The words remind me of things that i used to do, conversations i had. I like to think about my life like that, a sequence of words that tell my story. Like one big script that's written after we say it.
As i was laying in the tanning bed, i thought of last night. I watched The Cider House Rules last night. Was up until two in the morning. I thought of what else i would be doing on a normal friday night. Who i would be hanging around with. I just makes me wonder. Wonder what all those other people are doing that i used to be such good friends with.
It hurts to think that they aren't around anymore. I miss dan when he goes away to college. It was never hard to talk to him, and it still isn't. I don't think about what i am going to say before i say it in front of him. I don't know if you want to call that stupidity, or if it's just honesty that few people have. I wish he didn't have to go away, but then, i would never do what i am supposed to if he stayed.
I hate that Brandon and i don't see eachother hardly anymore. It's not that bad cause i mean, we see eachother at least once a week, and talk almost everyday. It's just a habit, talking to your best friend every night. Weird, i know. Our paths just don't seem to cross, he has to work when i don't, I work when he's free. School is a huge conflict, things were so much simpler last year.
I wish he could find someone that makes him happy and he could date, for a very long time.
I read somewhere that it's not worth dating a person, dating a friend, if you don't stay friends after you break up. It makes so much sense. I hate that scott hates me. I can't change that. I find it so werid to have someone that you entrust with so much of your life and they just disappear. It's almost like we never met. He rarely crosses my mind much anymore. I have to really try to remember him, the way he carried himself, his laugh, his angry voice. It's like a very faded photograph, all the details are worn away and i am just left with a vauge idea of who he really was. The last time we talked was more of a good-bye than any other moment in my life. Every other time, there is a hope of "i will see them again" and both people feel it. It is a distinct possibility. When he shook my hand and got into his car, we both said see you later, but i don't think we meant it at all.
I try so hard to believe the best in people. When people can't believe the best about me, it all disapates. It feels like years have passed. And we all know that's just crazy talk.
I get those moments in the day where i randomly think about a person. I immediately think how awesome it would be to see them again, how good it would feel. I don't think about what we would say, cause we don't have much left to say to eachother anymore. And i don't want to think about things like that. I would just assume we could pick up right where we left off and never have that akward coming back together.
I miss Seattle today more than i ever have. I just don't want to be here, doing my job, going to school. I want to be out west, where things are so much more vibrant. The green feels more green, the orange pops, the red stains, and the sunsets have a range of colors that we don't get in indiana. I want to walk in the rain along the city street. I want to walk next to the ocean. I just want to walk, and talk to someone i care about very close and very intensely. I just want to walk, walk until my feet fall off and my legs colapse under me. I want to feel like i have traveled. I want to feel the rest of the world melt away, and i want to be there, Standing through it all.
I feel it more than ever this time of year. Things are coming to a close, and really they already have. I am not who i was. Thinking about what if's and how were's seem so trivial. They hurt in a more personal way. In a way that i won't ever show to anyone. It's not over dramatic melodrama anymore. It's a personal pain that we all hold close to our heart. The shadows form around the moon from time to time, but it's not a show. We'll keep it a secret, save for that moment of intense intoxication and we are with a friend that has not idea, has never met these people, and then we'll just cry. Both you and your clueless friend will cry. Because it's understood, he doens't understand you, you don't understand him, and that's okay. It's like i said, a secret. A personal pain that no one can understand, and we are all very good at playing the magician. Look, my hurt magically disappears when the sun rises and we go off to live our lives with joy and love.