LeT GO LeT gO, JuMp iN oh wELL WHat YoU wAiTin For iT's aLLriGhT CAUsE thERe's BeAUTy in tHe brEaK DoWN
In my mind i keep hearing those words from "You've Got Mail" and it's Meg Ryan that says it. She simply says, "The truth is, i am heart broken." I know it's out of context because she is talking about her book store closing, but she says it with such an honesty that it hurts my heart.
Here's the really messed up part about it, i am not heart broken. I wish i could say i was. I wish i could feel something. I feel like it always takes a good cry to get over something, and it really does help. But i can't be sad. There is something inside of me that just will not let me go. This is the worst part about it. It is truly a sad day when you realize that something has ended and you don't even have the emotion invested to cry.
I feel hollow on the inside. Everything that i said last night was true. It was blunt and honest, and completely not like me. If anything i have always thought with my heart, and listened only to my head when it agreed with my heart. Last night i reasoned my way, looked at the facts and came to a conclusion that makes sense, something that is for the best.
I am not friends with scott. We have never been friends. And then i look at my last post and it says very plainly at the bottom that we are friends and always will be. Have i really been lying to myself this entire time? Or am i just starting to lie to myself because everyone else that knows us agrees that this makes sense, we are not friends.
Someone said, it's all or nothing. And that, that is one true thing. We can't be friends without there being this other thing. And we can't have that. We can't be in a relationship. We both seem to have our reasons. Reasoning. We always fight, says scott. I'm at Purdue, and we aren't going in the same direction, says me. That should be enough. And i can't be happy for him. Somewhere in me, i am going to be jealous no matter who it is that he ends up with. Maggie, or not.
I had been thinking the words and they came out of me just the way i believed they would. What happens if we aren't really friends, and we can't be in a relationship? I said very calmly "I believe we'll finish this coffee, you'll take me home and we just won't talk ever again". It's sad that that is what it had to come to. And he agreed, and as soon as that was out there, i feared the moment i would leave his car, because it was finality. Finality that happened half an hour later.
He said something that i thought was funny. We started to fight? a little, and i said, it didn't matter, i wasn't mad, and that in ten minutes it wouldn't matter. And he said, well history has shown us, this is what we do, we get into a fight, get mad at eachother, and (we said this at the same time) then we just don't talk for a year.
Since we knew what was coming. The end to end all our shit, i felt like it was the most fun i had talking to him in a long time. There was no reason holding back it wouldn't matter anyway.
Perhaps that's why i feel the way that i feel. We ended on such good terms, it makes me want to see him more often and try to be friends. But, it somehow wont' work. I'm failing right now to completely grasp why.
I wonder if Brandon didn't have a lot to do with this. But i can't think of that now. At least that will end now too.
I want to be wrong. I want someone to prove me wrong. But no one can, or someone simply won't.
Maybe i just need to get back to Lafayette and let all of this just stay here, burried.
We were sitting at Nick's on Thanksgiving and i don't know how it got said, but Dan said, if i could go back, "i would have dated you not jenna". Brandon said "i would have not met jessica" or dated her... i can't remember which. I didn't have anything. I could not think of one thing i would do if i could go back and change something. And now, i think i know. If i could go back, i would not have gone to Ben's that friday. I would not have kissed scott and i would not have to sort through these feelings again. I would still be completely healed. I would just have been mad at him, and we would never talk and the best part is i wouldn't care. We're done now. Forever. And i feel no ill will towards him. And that is the thing that makes it this much harder. We're just letting go....
Here's the really messed up part about it, i am not heart broken. I wish i could say i was. I wish i could feel something. I feel like it always takes a good cry to get over something, and it really does help. But i can't be sad. There is something inside of me that just will not let me go. This is the worst part about it. It is truly a sad day when you realize that something has ended and you don't even have the emotion invested to cry.
I feel hollow on the inside. Everything that i said last night was true. It was blunt and honest, and completely not like me. If anything i have always thought with my heart, and listened only to my head when it agreed with my heart. Last night i reasoned my way, looked at the facts and came to a conclusion that makes sense, something that is for the best.
I am not friends with scott. We have never been friends. And then i look at my last post and it says very plainly at the bottom that we are friends and always will be. Have i really been lying to myself this entire time? Or am i just starting to lie to myself because everyone else that knows us agrees that this makes sense, we are not friends.
Someone said, it's all or nothing. And that, that is one true thing. We can't be friends without there being this other thing. And we can't have that. We can't be in a relationship. We both seem to have our reasons. Reasoning. We always fight, says scott. I'm at Purdue, and we aren't going in the same direction, says me. That should be enough. And i can't be happy for him. Somewhere in me, i am going to be jealous no matter who it is that he ends up with. Maggie, or not.
I had been thinking the words and they came out of me just the way i believed they would. What happens if we aren't really friends, and we can't be in a relationship? I said very calmly "I believe we'll finish this coffee, you'll take me home and we just won't talk ever again". It's sad that that is what it had to come to. And he agreed, and as soon as that was out there, i feared the moment i would leave his car, because it was finality. Finality that happened half an hour later.
He said something that i thought was funny. We started to fight? a little, and i said, it didn't matter, i wasn't mad, and that in ten minutes it wouldn't matter. And he said, well history has shown us, this is what we do, we get into a fight, get mad at eachother, and (we said this at the same time) then we just don't talk for a year.
Since we knew what was coming. The end to end all our shit, i felt like it was the most fun i had talking to him in a long time. There was no reason holding back it wouldn't matter anyway.
Perhaps that's why i feel the way that i feel. We ended on such good terms, it makes me want to see him more often and try to be friends. But, it somehow wont' work. I'm failing right now to completely grasp why.
I wonder if Brandon didn't have a lot to do with this. But i can't think of that now. At least that will end now too.
I want to be wrong. I want someone to prove me wrong. But no one can, or someone simply won't.
Maybe i just need to get back to Lafayette and let all of this just stay here, burried.
We were sitting at Nick's on Thanksgiving and i don't know how it got said, but Dan said, if i could go back, "i would have dated you not jenna". Brandon said "i would have not met jessica" or dated her... i can't remember which. I didn't have anything. I could not think of one thing i would do if i could go back and change something. And now, i think i know. If i could go back, i would not have gone to Ben's that friday. I would not have kissed scott and i would not have to sort through these feelings again. I would still be completely healed. I would just have been mad at him, and we would never talk and the best part is i wouldn't care. We're done now. Forever. And i feel no ill will towards him. And that is the thing that makes it this much harder. We're just letting go....
posted by chelC | 12:29 PM
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