wHen i WokE yoU wErE sTiLL PrESenT My miND , iN SoMe DReaM, SoME dREAm

You know, i sit here listening to Tarkio, something that i have not done in a very long time. I've been hanging around the beginning of the alphabet in my itunes, and only venture to the later half of the alphabet when i am searching for something in particular. This changed today when i was going through my music to make a CD for my friend Mackenzie who desperately wants new music. So i gave her a sampling of a little bit of everything. Tarkio, Devil's elbow, i think was something that she should be able to listen to and go, "oh, fuck, that's good". I still do that, and i've listened to the song more times than i think i care to remember. It always reminds me of when i went to New Buffalo with Dan. I feel like we listened to a lot of Tarkio that morning. That and Elliot Smith, but i still like to think of the Tarkio. It's just so pretty... it always will be.
Scott kissed me on friday. That was interesting. I was almost prepared for it somehow, but still uncertain as hell. It's really hard to be in this new place when only a year and some change (is that really all?) he told me with such stress in his voice that it was over, he was never going to like me again, and we couldn't be friends if i couldn't come to terms with that. Time changes a lot of things, but i don't forget so easily the way that i've been hurt, in the most personal way possible. It's not something that i'm mad about, not even now, it's just something that i don't forget about. Like i grew up, i learned my lesson. And it doesn't hurt, it's just something that is, and it can't change. It doesn't hurt that i don't have part of my finger anymore, it's just something i won't forget because, it's a big change. Being whiney, and freaking out seems really over dramatic. I hope what i'm saying doesn't end up in the wrong context and people get really pissed off and bent out of shape about this. This blog has always been for me, and it always will be.
Anyway, yeah. That happend. But don't worry, we're not going down that road again. Scott told me there was no chemistry, and that i would/do make our relationship akward so he's done with me in that regard. Now i never thought for one minute that i was going to be terribly depressed about it like i was the last time... whew. So i was upset at myself for being upset when he broke this to me through a series of texts on monday night. I felt like i had knots in my stomach and i felt dizzy. Somewhere in there i just said, "i'll miss this" or something to that effect, my face twisted up and i cried. I didn't feel really sad, i felt better. I was a little confused because i didn't exactly agree with some of the events that scott had reasoned his actions with. I cried about an hour or so... then i rolled on to my back and stared at the bottom of whit's matress and ended up falling asleep. I had some dreams that made me realize, this is hardly the end of the fun that i am meant to have.... i'm at purdue where the guy to girl ratio is totally in my favor. I woke up and had about the best tuesday i've had in a while. Which was followed by an even better friday. It's just been a great week in fact.
I have no ill will. I even asked scott if we would still be friends this time, and although it may have taken him in the neighborhood of 16 hours to agree on this, we are. That's something that i'll cherish.
People, more whitney and ruby, ask me why i am friends with him, and why i keep letting him come right back. I just smile. There are some things that you can't explain in life, they just are. Yeah we went through a tough time in life, and i opened up to him and he accepted that. And there was always the fact we kinda had a thing for each other. That made us close. But there has to be something else. I can't put my finger on it. Beyond everything, maybe i feel like we have a lot of the same traits, things in common, and i know that if i ever wanted another chance i would want to be accepted too.
So there's that, and that funny idea that life circles. If nothing else came out of this weekend, i have the comfort of knowing i am so much stronger than i used to be. Maybe just more positive or something... prioritized? I mean, i got to see brandon for a while. I got to see ben and have him tell me that i am hardcore and hang with him at his house. I met a ton of really nice people, and two very cute dogs. And i got a pretty sweet kiss that made those familiar shivers run up my back. All in all, i got a pretty good weekend. Who can really complain about that?