EvEryBoDy KnOWs iT sUCKs to GRow Up. AnD EverYBodY doEs.
So weird to be back here. And the years go on and we're still fighting it and you're so much like me... I'm sorry.
There is a whole new meaning in that song for me.
As i was sitting in the car with David one of our many days together during break we discussed our live and where we think we're going to be. We talked about how it's weird to come back to the SB and there are moments when we want to leave so badly, just go back to college cause we are tired of home life. Then by the end of break somehow, we don't want to go back. Not necessarily that we want to stay in the SB. David made a plan that we should run away to London or something for a few weeks. You know, prolong the inevitability that we are becoming the people that we are going to be for the rest of our lives. Now is the time that we will make the connections that supposedly last the rest of our life times. It's a scary thought. Everytime you graduate from a school there is another school that you are preparing for. You get kind of in a pattern of working hard enough to make it to the next level. It's like playing a video game, only... it's your life. And now, after getting used to that, it doesn't exist anymore. After this school, it's life. Bills, loans, children?, marriage?, living on my own. Most likely, all alone. Scary.
It's nice to be where i am. I like my schedule this semester. It leaves me a lot of time to study and be a little geeky, a little neater, have a little more fun.
The dorm room doesn't look the same to me for some reason. It feels a little more homey than it did last semester. I would look around and see a place that held all my shit and was a place that i was isolated. I spent many weekends in here. Doing? Nothing. And that upsets me. Although i will say that i was sick, and then there was the finger cutting thing. But with no personal tragedy this semester, it feels like a nice place of reflection. I feel like i have finally connected with something that is here. I see people i recognize on campus and we say hello, catch up a little, it's just a place i feel like i can belong now.
I like looking at the things i have written only a few weeks ago and how they seem like a few years ago. My feelings towards all of my friends and truths that i have been hiding, because saying them gives them validation. Because somehow things i have said in the past seem to be used against me, and i don't understand why. Perhaps because i am so positive and then i am so negative. My other friends who seem to get in verbal battles with me are A. always negative and rarely show signs of positivity so it's hard to say they have ever really contradicted themselves. They keep themselves firmly planted in the idea that nothing is ever going to work, and surprisingly they never do... (self-sabatoge to prove a point). or B. They are very slippery by saying they are wrong, and somehow find a way to make you feel bad about it, or doubt very much that you were ever right at all, and i lose (forked-tounge deabate to keep "friend" grounded in reality).
I said that scott and i would always be friends. True/False. In my mind, back in the summer of 2005-Spring 2006 we were friends. That perhaps being one of the most vivid times in my memory. It's so hard to let go of a huge piece of you like that and deny that those things ever happend and that they do not have a profound affect on the way that i live my current life. It's hard to love someone so much, unconditionally, and then find that they are not the person that you love anymore. Because, hard truth, people grown up and people change. Maybe he didn't grow up, doesn't feel like it, but i did. And i changed. And he changed to me. And true i feel that he is a little more cynical, perhaps feels like the world has been particularly unfair to him. I blame this on the loss of the purdue education, the working at 7-eleven, maybe even the fall out with ian. As Ben Folds would say you were not the same after that. But none of that really matters now does it? For all purposes, we are not friends anymore and nor will we ever be again. I am particularly bitter about saying that because it means that i was wrong. But i can handle being wrong. What i can't handle is the fact that he has the uncanny ability to bring me down from whatever cloud i might be living on at the time. I can't relate to him like i did because i can't see the commonalities that we had clearly anymore. I feel in some way that i am ripping a piece of my heart off. It hurts, but it will heal. And i will say this once more, for the record, we were friends me and scott. Our relationship was not based on the fact that at one time we had reciprocated crushes on one another. What happend to our friendship was the product of time, distance, and change.
Another hard truth to come to terms with, I am not friends with Brandon in the way that we used to be. I would have a hard time calling him my friend at all. I realize now, after all of my life, that he has created the doubt in me, when i was happy, when i was sorting through what i wanted from life, he questioned my motives. Above all, that is the whole problem, he questions all of my motives, when i know what most of them are. I say i don't know, but believe me, i am positive. I feel like a huge psychology project to him. He analyzes me and predicts my behavior in various situations. He is not my psychologist, and i don't think that his behavior speak much towards being a friend either. He is so involved in titzar and in scott's life, and in dan? I wouldn't know as i didn't see him except once over break. I call brandon to catch up on what others are doin in their lives because it saves me time, but that's just not right. But i never ask him what's up in his life, it's not ever really much. And it's not like i'm there for any of it anyway. I don't know if I can really trust what I tell him anymore either. And this is not the first time that i have had that suspect feeling that what i tell him has never been in confidence. He likes to gossip. He revels in the fact that people come to him for their problems and that he has all the truth. If there was one person that could really write a book about all the interactions that me, scott, dan, and brandon had it would be him. We tell him all of our feelings, all of our doubt. He is very careful to reveal just the right information to the right party to get his desired result because he has that power. I can't trust anything that tell him will not directly or at the very least inadvertently relayed to someone else that i just did not want to know. Is it so hard to understand that if i wanted that individual to know i would have simply told them myself? I had found that i did not like being the one who passed information because somehow it WILL come back to bite you in the ass. This is why i am amazed that whenever Brandon gets caught he never gets hurt. I always have ended up forgiving him. But my forgiveness has it's limits, and that limit has been reached. This is a very non hostile realization. More than anything it is just an exhausted one. I have to be done. And that hurts, to see someone that i called all the time, spent most of my free moments with, spent such beautiful moments with on beaches, preserved so wonderfully in my mind, is gone. And that is the truth. Things end.
"Its not the other person's responsibility to make you love them, you have to take it on yourself. so they have inperfections. So What? So you thought you were in love once, or you think you are now, or you "know" you are now, or you don't think you ever have been, or your scared of admitting it. Whatever it is, its a choice that you make for yourself. You can dream it, or you can reject it, but either way you have made a choice." ~George Dill. I'd just like to throw that in there because i believe that it is so elegantly worded. And perhaps it is all too true. We have all made the choice. I know i have made mine.
I don't get many things right the first time, in fact i am told that a lot. But i think that i finally know what it is, what my life is and what the people in it mean, where they fit. It's time to place these people back on the shelf, they may collect some dust. Still, they will be beautiful memories that I hope to pour over when i am old. But in my life, they just don't fit anymore. What they are now is not what they used to be. I am not what they used to know. We are variable strangers to one another. Some fading pieces around the edges hint at the charismatic creatures that used to reside within. Lingering sadness of the void that seems unfillable shall remain for a while, but we are all stronger people than to have that consume us. It's time to shut the door, turn out the lights, smile, and walk away.
There is a whole new meaning in that song for me.
As i was sitting in the car with David one of our many days together during break we discussed our live and where we think we're going to be. We talked about how it's weird to come back to the SB and there are moments when we want to leave so badly, just go back to college cause we are tired of home life. Then by the end of break somehow, we don't want to go back. Not necessarily that we want to stay in the SB. David made a plan that we should run away to London or something for a few weeks. You know, prolong the inevitability that we are becoming the people that we are going to be for the rest of our lives. Now is the time that we will make the connections that supposedly last the rest of our life times. It's a scary thought. Everytime you graduate from a school there is another school that you are preparing for. You get kind of in a pattern of working hard enough to make it to the next level. It's like playing a video game, only... it's your life. And now, after getting used to that, it doesn't exist anymore. After this school, it's life. Bills, loans, children?, marriage?, living on my own. Most likely, all alone. Scary.
It's nice to be where i am. I like my schedule this semester. It leaves me a lot of time to study and be a little geeky, a little neater, have a little more fun.
The dorm room doesn't look the same to me for some reason. It feels a little more homey than it did last semester. I would look around and see a place that held all my shit and was a place that i was isolated. I spent many weekends in here. Doing? Nothing. And that upsets me. Although i will say that i was sick, and then there was the finger cutting thing. But with no personal tragedy this semester, it feels like a nice place of reflection. I feel like i have finally connected with something that is here. I see people i recognize on campus and we say hello, catch up a little, it's just a place i feel like i can belong now.
I like looking at the things i have written only a few weeks ago and how they seem like a few years ago. My feelings towards all of my friends and truths that i have been hiding, because saying them gives them validation. Because somehow things i have said in the past seem to be used against me, and i don't understand why. Perhaps because i am so positive and then i am so negative. My other friends who seem to get in verbal battles with me are A. always negative and rarely show signs of positivity so it's hard to say they have ever really contradicted themselves. They keep themselves firmly planted in the idea that nothing is ever going to work, and surprisingly they never do... (self-sabatoge to prove a point). or B. They are very slippery by saying they are wrong, and somehow find a way to make you feel bad about it, or doubt very much that you were ever right at all, and i lose (forked-tounge deabate to keep "friend" grounded in reality).
I said that scott and i would always be friends. True/False. In my mind, back in the summer of 2005-Spring 2006 we were friends. That perhaps being one of the most vivid times in my memory. It's so hard to let go of a huge piece of you like that and deny that those things ever happend and that they do not have a profound affect on the way that i live my current life. It's hard to love someone so much, unconditionally, and then find that they are not the person that you love anymore. Because, hard truth, people grown up and people change. Maybe he didn't grow up, doesn't feel like it, but i did. And i changed. And he changed to me. And true i feel that he is a little more cynical, perhaps feels like the world has been particularly unfair to him. I blame this on the loss of the purdue education, the working at 7-eleven, maybe even the fall out with ian. As Ben Folds would say you were not the same after that. But none of that really matters now does it? For all purposes, we are not friends anymore and nor will we ever be again. I am particularly bitter about saying that because it means that i was wrong. But i can handle being wrong. What i can't handle is the fact that he has the uncanny ability to bring me down from whatever cloud i might be living on at the time. I can't relate to him like i did because i can't see the commonalities that we had clearly anymore. I feel in some way that i am ripping a piece of my heart off. It hurts, but it will heal. And i will say this once more, for the record, we were friends me and scott. Our relationship was not based on the fact that at one time we had reciprocated crushes on one another. What happend to our friendship was the product of time, distance, and change.
Another hard truth to come to terms with, I am not friends with Brandon in the way that we used to be. I would have a hard time calling him my friend at all. I realize now, after all of my life, that he has created the doubt in me, when i was happy, when i was sorting through what i wanted from life, he questioned my motives. Above all, that is the whole problem, he questions all of my motives, when i know what most of them are. I say i don't know, but believe me, i am positive. I feel like a huge psychology project to him. He analyzes me and predicts my behavior in various situations. He is not my psychologist, and i don't think that his behavior speak much towards being a friend either. He is so involved in titzar and in scott's life, and in dan? I wouldn't know as i didn't see him except once over break. I call brandon to catch up on what others are doin in their lives because it saves me time, but that's just not right. But i never ask him what's up in his life, it's not ever really much. And it's not like i'm there for any of it anyway. I don't know if I can really trust what I tell him anymore either. And this is not the first time that i have had that suspect feeling that what i tell him has never been in confidence. He likes to gossip. He revels in the fact that people come to him for their problems and that he has all the truth. If there was one person that could really write a book about all the interactions that me, scott, dan, and brandon had it would be him. We tell him all of our feelings, all of our doubt. He is very careful to reveal just the right information to the right party to get his desired result because he has that power. I can't trust anything that tell him will not directly or at the very least inadvertently relayed to someone else that i just did not want to know. Is it so hard to understand that if i wanted that individual to know i would have simply told them myself? I had found that i did not like being the one who passed information because somehow it WILL come back to bite you in the ass. This is why i am amazed that whenever Brandon gets caught he never gets hurt. I always have ended up forgiving him. But my forgiveness has it's limits, and that limit has been reached. This is a very non hostile realization. More than anything it is just an exhausted one. I have to be done. And that hurts, to see someone that i called all the time, spent most of my free moments with, spent such beautiful moments with on beaches, preserved so wonderfully in my mind, is gone. And that is the truth. Things end.
"Its not the other person's responsibility to make you love them, you have to take it on yourself. so they have inperfections. So What? So you thought you were in love once, or you think you are now, or you "know" you are now, or you don't think you ever have been, or your scared of admitting it. Whatever it is, its a choice that you make for yourself. You can dream it, or you can reject it, but either way you have made a choice." ~George Dill. I'd just like to throw that in there because i believe that it is so elegantly worded. And perhaps it is all too true. We have all made the choice. I know i have made mine.
I don't get many things right the first time, in fact i am told that a lot. But i think that i finally know what it is, what my life is and what the people in it mean, where they fit. It's time to place these people back on the shelf, they may collect some dust. Still, they will be beautiful memories that I hope to pour over when i am old. But in my life, they just don't fit anymore. What they are now is not what they used to be. I am not what they used to know. We are variable strangers to one another. Some fading pieces around the edges hint at the charismatic creatures that used to reside within. Lingering sadness of the void that seems unfillable shall remain for a while, but we are all stronger people than to have that consume us. It's time to shut the door, turn out the lights, smile, and walk away.
posted by chelC | 11:11 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home