LiVinG MiGhT MeAn TaKiNG CHAnceS buT theY'Re WortH TakiNG
I came home tonight from work and totally passed out. I was tired as balls and i didn't really feel like going anywhere or doing anything. And now, i really wish that i would have.
I had a dream that was so real i am having a hard time telling myself that it wasn't. I woke up in my car sitting in the backseat with Chad. He looked as amazing as ever and he was holding me, stroking my hair just watching me sleep. I said his name and he responded with "what hunny?" I asked him what he was doing here and he said that he just liked watching me sleep because i always looked so peaceful. He told me that i smile in my sleep and i look absolutely beautiful. I told him i'd been told that. He said that i did it because i was having a good dream and when i wasn't having a good dream i would toss and turn and sometimes he saw me cry and call out. I could just look at him and smile. He kissed me and told me to follow him. We got out of the car and walked out on to the beach. We were in St. Joe. He asked me if i remembered the last time we were there.
It was when we went to the Venetian festival and he mentioned my ring and the fact that i still wore it. He always loved it when i wore my ring. He said it was when he knew that he could kiss me.
We walked out to the end of the pier, walked up on the little platform and watched the water. I asked him again why he was here. I told him that he was dead and that he shouldn't be here. He responded with, "i know... but you know that's not true, here is exactly where i should be." I started crying and he told me not to. I should be happy because he was here. I shook my head and said i was happy. I told him i missed him very much. He said he knew. He said that he loved it that i still wore his ring. I told him i had a feeling he did. He said that he hated it everyday that i let scott have it. I was surprised that he knew who scott was. He said that he knew everything. It killed him to watch me in so much pain and know that he couldn't be there for me. He told me, "At first i didn't know about this guy. When you met him last year i could tell you liked him. I didn't know if he was good enough for you and a lot of the stuff he did i really didn't like. But he cared for you and i saw how much you meant to him. When you two finally got together i knew it was worthwhile and i have never seen you like that." I asked him what he meant. He said, "you smiled to yourself when no one was looking. You did that thing where you look at someone when they aren't looking. You did that to me too. You would always smile and watch me when really, i knew what you were doing the whole time." And then he laughed. He laughed that rich thick laugh that was like honey. He put his arm around me and looked out at the water. He told me that he missed me and loved me like crazy. I just put my head on him. He told me that things were going to get better the way they always do. I told him i didn't know. He said, "I worried that you were alone. But i've seen how many people care about you. You have some of the best friends i could ever hope you to have. And i know that you hurt. I'm not there. Scott let you down. But i still love you. And i know he does. Dan loves you and so does Brandon. From what i see, you're in good hands." I asked him what happens now. He looked at me and said that i'd move on. I'd always be in love, but it won't hurt anymore and i'll be happy again. I looked away and shook my head. He said, "You know, you don't have to let go right away. You can trust people. Not all of them are gonna break your heart. You don't have to be so strong." I told him that i did. And it never was enough. He just sighed. I told him that i tried to rely on other people. I tried to trust and i told the truth. And what happend? I was let down. He said, "it won't always be like that. Someone someday will be able to handle the truth, and love you despite it. Not all people are like Scott. He just, can't let go. But you knew that. Do you remember that i loved you despite your faults? It does happen." Then he put his hand on my face and said, "You deserve the best. You deserve someone that loves you that much." He kissed me one more time and then told me he was going to go. I begged him not to. I told i wasn't ready to let him go. He told me i didn't have to let go. He would always be there for me, he always had been, even when i wasn't thinking about him. He told me not to worry and that he would see me again soon.
I woke up in my bed, alone and looking out the window.
I can't explain to you how it felt so real. I needed to talk to him and know that he understood where i was. He cares. And he knows so much. I believe him. Things will be better. He always knew me so well. He really did love me. I know that he is in heaven. Prolly watching me write this. I love him.
I feel that i betrayed him by moving on. But, i haven't abandoned him. He's with me, in my heart for always. Some people just are.
I had a dream that was so real i am having a hard time telling myself that it wasn't. I woke up in my car sitting in the backseat with Chad. He looked as amazing as ever and he was holding me, stroking my hair just watching me sleep. I said his name and he responded with "what hunny?" I asked him what he was doing here and he said that he just liked watching me sleep because i always looked so peaceful. He told me that i smile in my sleep and i look absolutely beautiful. I told him i'd been told that. He said that i did it because i was having a good dream and when i wasn't having a good dream i would toss and turn and sometimes he saw me cry and call out. I could just look at him and smile. He kissed me and told me to follow him. We got out of the car and walked out on to the beach. We were in St. Joe. He asked me if i remembered the last time we were there.
It was when we went to the Venetian festival and he mentioned my ring and the fact that i still wore it. He always loved it when i wore my ring. He said it was when he knew that he could kiss me.
We walked out to the end of the pier, walked up on the little platform and watched the water. I asked him again why he was here. I told him that he was dead and that he shouldn't be here. He responded with, "i know... but you know that's not true, here is exactly where i should be." I started crying and he told me not to. I should be happy because he was here. I shook my head and said i was happy. I told him i missed him very much. He said he knew. He said that he loved it that i still wore his ring. I told him i had a feeling he did. He said that he hated it everyday that i let scott have it. I was surprised that he knew who scott was. He said that he knew everything. It killed him to watch me in so much pain and know that he couldn't be there for me. He told me, "At first i didn't know about this guy. When you met him last year i could tell you liked him. I didn't know if he was good enough for you and a lot of the stuff he did i really didn't like. But he cared for you and i saw how much you meant to him. When you two finally got together i knew it was worthwhile and i have never seen you like that." I asked him what he meant. He said, "you smiled to yourself when no one was looking. You did that thing where you look at someone when they aren't looking. You did that to me too. You would always smile and watch me when really, i knew what you were doing the whole time." And then he laughed. He laughed that rich thick laugh that was like honey. He put his arm around me and looked out at the water. He told me that he missed me and loved me like crazy. I just put my head on him. He told me that things were going to get better the way they always do. I told him i didn't know. He said, "I worried that you were alone. But i've seen how many people care about you. You have some of the best friends i could ever hope you to have. And i know that you hurt. I'm not there. Scott let you down. But i still love you. And i know he does. Dan loves you and so does Brandon. From what i see, you're in good hands." I asked him what happens now. He looked at me and said that i'd move on. I'd always be in love, but it won't hurt anymore and i'll be happy again. I looked away and shook my head. He said, "You know, you don't have to let go right away. You can trust people. Not all of them are gonna break your heart. You don't have to be so strong." I told him that i did. And it never was enough. He just sighed. I told him that i tried to rely on other people. I tried to trust and i told the truth. And what happend? I was let down. He said, "it won't always be like that. Someone someday will be able to handle the truth, and love you despite it. Not all people are like Scott. He just, can't let go. But you knew that. Do you remember that i loved you despite your faults? It does happen." Then he put his hand on my face and said, "You deserve the best. You deserve someone that loves you that much." He kissed me one more time and then told me he was going to go. I begged him not to. I told i wasn't ready to let him go. He told me i didn't have to let go. He would always be there for me, he always had been, even when i wasn't thinking about him. He told me not to worry and that he would see me again soon.
I woke up in my bed, alone and looking out the window.
I can't explain to you how it felt so real. I needed to talk to him and know that he understood where i was. He cares. And he knows so much. I believe him. Things will be better. He always knew me so well. He really did love me. I know that he is in heaven. Prolly watching me write this. I love him.
I feel that i betrayed him by moving on. But, i haven't abandoned him. He's with me, in my heart for always. Some people just are.
posted by chelC | 10:43 PM
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