iT's NoT sO Bad, yOU'Re onLY thE BeSt i EvER haD...
I drove with the windows down today. It was raining in and my seat got all splochy, but i don't really care right now. There may have been other things that i should have been doing, like my homework, but i realize that there really isn't that much i have to do for my gold days. I watched the light change colors against the sky. It went from gray to a darker gray. The most beautiful part about it is i passed these pink flowers in a neighborhood and against the atmosphere they looked absolutely amazing. They reminded me of kissing Chad for the first time. It was the perfect shade of metallic gray and pale, yet strikingly beautiful pink.
I thought for the first time in a long time all about my life. What am i doing here? What do i want? What did i have? What am i missing? What am i doing? Sometimes i think that my life is one revloving door. The people come in and come out and i can't stand having a lot of people around. When i am surrounded by a lot of people, i find all of their faults so easily. I push people out the door even though i am quite certain they wouldn't mind staying. The truth is that i don't want to be attatched. I like remaining the aloof person that i am. When i have a project, i want to devote all of my time to that and i neglect every other aspect of my life. I can't have three sets of best friends. Last year, i focused on my college friends. I loved them so much and i was blinded by that love. I forgot everything that i had here, i didn't want to listen to reason. I wanted them and would kill for them. It now kinda seems like that never even happend. Someday, maybe i will feel like i own those memories, but for now they seem borrowed from a past life that i don't have a part in anymore. When you're in love, you're a different person.
I don't know what it is that i feel. That was something that i thought about today. I am sad, true, but why? Is it that i miss what i had? What i had was good, but it had so many faults. So many difficulties of which i couldn't even see. I toyed with the notion that i was still in love. I am in love with the past and the people that we were. It's more like a story, it's like my favorite movie. I don't feel like the character, but i understand them and have an affinity for them. I watch the story, so cute, and romantic, passionate, and then the ending comes and you pray for a different way. You pray that she won't get on that train, that he just won't die, that they can do what they promised and just be in love. But, it always happens, the way that the past just won't deviate from the plot. It ends, it always does.
I have reconnected with heidi in a way i didn't even know that i wanted to. It's like that beautiful thing just sitting there and you don't realize it until you just turn around. I feel that last year i pushed her out the revolving door, and she has forgiven me. She had some things of her own she needed to do too. She has and always will remain my best friend. She and i will catch up in minutes. I understand what she thinks and feels, sometimes it's almost like we are one person. There is only thing in our lives that couldn't be more different, The happenstances are complete opposites, but the way we handle situations is the same. I don't think she knows how much i love her and i don't know that she ever will. I have known her for over half my life. That is not such a long time, but when we look at it in fraction form, it is huge. Our friendship has passed the test of time. We have remained together through elementary school, middle school, and all of highschool. With all the moving around, i am amazed that we still have it and laugh like there is no hurt, like we have never criend, and like we will not soon be leaving eachother perhaps forever.
There is nothing sadder than watching someone walk away who has just left you. Watching the space between your bodies expand until there is nothing left but empty space and silence.
If i had to do this life all over, i would. I would live through every heartache again because i know that i would get that moment of laughter and amazing. I would live through those moments where i felt completely helpless because next would be that moment of feeling complete. Sitting on the rocks in the bitter wind after staying out all night, or laying around a boat talking about the future with your arms wrapped around the person that nearly tickled you to death. Loving every second you were able to steal. I stole that life, and i gave it back, or had it taken away again. I am grateful that i got to be someone else for a while, or was able to be myself for once. But it doesn't work being that person. Trial and error has taught us this. Thanks what was fun.
I didn't realize how much i fought for last year. I didn't notice until thinking back on it with my face wet sitting at that lake just how dramatic my life was. How dramatic my friendships were. There was always a problem. We never solved anything. I think that's prolly why we all sit at our computers now, miles apart in life. The funny thing is, i still never want to give up. I can't help it. It's just because of who i am.
August is drawing a close. I'll never get this back. The summer that changed everything in life. The things that i never thought would happen. The things i wished never would. And knowing i would do it all over, scares me. I am a bold child, even when i don't want to be. Either that or completely stupid. It's prolly the latter, but right now, what does it matter?
I mean something. This moment means something. This is the moment that i didn't die in that car accident. This is that moment that i didn't fall asleep. It's that moment that i chickened out in talking to an old friend. It's that time that i didn't call. I should have done my homework. I didn't bake my dad those cookies. It's that time that i remembered listening to those songs wishing i would die. It's that time that i listened to that song and remember saying goodbye on a balmy summer night at four in the morning. It was just thinking of how bright it was the day that we said goodbye. It was feeling the air escape my lungs when it ended. I was helpless, i still am.
I don't want to wait because i'm not waiting on anything. I have no promises of the future. I have an inescapable hope that is not justified. I have the past to base the future on, and that doesn't always work. I'm praying that feeling didn't just vanish. But it's been known to happen. Guess i'll just keep fighting. Maybe i'll win. Maybe i'll escape from here. If nothing else, i'll have lived without the regret.
I thought for the first time in a long time all about my life. What am i doing here? What do i want? What did i have? What am i missing? What am i doing? Sometimes i think that my life is one revloving door. The people come in and come out and i can't stand having a lot of people around. When i am surrounded by a lot of people, i find all of their faults so easily. I push people out the door even though i am quite certain they wouldn't mind staying. The truth is that i don't want to be attatched. I like remaining the aloof person that i am. When i have a project, i want to devote all of my time to that and i neglect every other aspect of my life. I can't have three sets of best friends. Last year, i focused on my college friends. I loved them so much and i was blinded by that love. I forgot everything that i had here, i didn't want to listen to reason. I wanted them and would kill for them. It now kinda seems like that never even happend. Someday, maybe i will feel like i own those memories, but for now they seem borrowed from a past life that i don't have a part in anymore. When you're in love, you're a different person.
I don't know what it is that i feel. That was something that i thought about today. I am sad, true, but why? Is it that i miss what i had? What i had was good, but it had so many faults. So many difficulties of which i couldn't even see. I toyed with the notion that i was still in love. I am in love with the past and the people that we were. It's more like a story, it's like my favorite movie. I don't feel like the character, but i understand them and have an affinity for them. I watch the story, so cute, and romantic, passionate, and then the ending comes and you pray for a different way. You pray that she won't get on that train, that he just won't die, that they can do what they promised and just be in love. But, it always happens, the way that the past just won't deviate from the plot. It ends, it always does.
I have reconnected with heidi in a way i didn't even know that i wanted to. It's like that beautiful thing just sitting there and you don't realize it until you just turn around. I feel that last year i pushed her out the revolving door, and she has forgiven me. She had some things of her own she needed to do too. She has and always will remain my best friend. She and i will catch up in minutes. I understand what she thinks and feels, sometimes it's almost like we are one person. There is only thing in our lives that couldn't be more different, The happenstances are complete opposites, but the way we handle situations is the same. I don't think she knows how much i love her and i don't know that she ever will. I have known her for over half my life. That is not such a long time, but when we look at it in fraction form, it is huge. Our friendship has passed the test of time. We have remained together through elementary school, middle school, and all of highschool. With all the moving around, i am amazed that we still have it and laugh like there is no hurt, like we have never criend, and like we will not soon be leaving eachother perhaps forever.
There is nothing sadder than watching someone walk away who has just left you. Watching the space between your bodies expand until there is nothing left but empty space and silence.
If i had to do this life all over, i would. I would live through every heartache again because i know that i would get that moment of laughter and amazing. I would live through those moments where i felt completely helpless because next would be that moment of feeling complete. Sitting on the rocks in the bitter wind after staying out all night, or laying around a boat talking about the future with your arms wrapped around the person that nearly tickled you to death. Loving every second you were able to steal. I stole that life, and i gave it back, or had it taken away again. I am grateful that i got to be someone else for a while, or was able to be myself for once. But it doesn't work being that person. Trial and error has taught us this. Thanks what was fun.
I didn't realize how much i fought for last year. I didn't notice until thinking back on it with my face wet sitting at that lake just how dramatic my life was. How dramatic my friendships were. There was always a problem. We never solved anything. I think that's prolly why we all sit at our computers now, miles apart in life. The funny thing is, i still never want to give up. I can't help it. It's just because of who i am.
August is drawing a close. I'll never get this back. The summer that changed everything in life. The things that i never thought would happen. The things i wished never would. And knowing i would do it all over, scares me. I am a bold child, even when i don't want to be. Either that or completely stupid. It's prolly the latter, but right now, what does it matter?
I mean something. This moment means something. This is the moment that i didn't die in that car accident. This is that moment that i didn't fall asleep. It's that moment that i chickened out in talking to an old friend. It's that time that i didn't call. I should have done my homework. I didn't bake my dad those cookies. It's that time that i remembered listening to those songs wishing i would die. It's that time that i listened to that song and remember saying goodbye on a balmy summer night at four in the morning. It was just thinking of how bright it was the day that we said goodbye. It was feeling the air escape my lungs when it ended. I was helpless, i still am.
I don't want to wait because i'm not waiting on anything. I have no promises of the future. I have an inescapable hope that is not justified. I have the past to base the future on, and that doesn't always work. I'm praying that feeling didn't just vanish. But it's been known to happen. Guess i'll just keep fighting. Maybe i'll win. Maybe i'll escape from here. If nothing else, i'll have lived without the regret.
posted by chelC | 8:54 PM
1 Comments:
There is nothing sadder than watching someone walk away who has just left you. Watching the space between your bodies expand until there is nothing left but empty space and silence.
that is the truest thing i have ever seen :(
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