MeSs uP mY BeD wiTH Me... KiCk oFf tHe cOvERs i'M wAiTinG
Right now, i wish that i had a normal life. And i know, that nothing can ever be defined as normal. But i wish that i had a life that wasn't particularly like mine.
I've said time and time again that i don't regret. Honestly, it's like a sign of weakness to me. I've been so busy trying to fight the bad and never let myself show an ounce of weakness that i haven't been honest. My thought of regret does depend on my mood some. But, if i had to look very hard at my entire life, i regret it. A lot of the things i've done, and a lot of the places i have gone, i wish i hadn't.
In specifics, the last year and a half of my life, if i could take back, i would. I have and always will be the person that i am. Perhaps i had been shaped in this past year and a half, but i would undo it. I changed into something i am not proud of. People continue to like me with the understanding that i will always love them. We're friends. But, i'm not like that at all. I'm a hardend bitch who only wants you to feel bad about yourself. I write on here so people can use my words against me, maybe finally catch me in a lie. But i dance around and convince myself it's all a lie, they're twisting my words. I'll do it again, you watch.
If i could have never met scott, or dan, or brandon i would be fine. I wouldn't know what i'm missing, and in these shoes, i know that i could do without. I'm holding on to something that i have no grasp of now. I will try and take back these words later in an attempt to keep my "friends", but now, i think i just want to say it because it's true. I don't want to know them because it makes this harder. This growing up and growing apart. I also, don't want to acknowledge that we might be growing apart, but i can feel it.
I talk to Brandon and i feel bored. I feel uncomfortable because i don't know what to talk about. I feel hurt, and slighted, and burned. I don't feel like a best friend anymore, and that hurts my pride a little too. I'm small talked and worked in to a hectic schedule which seems to consist of him spending hours with most everyone but me. It doesn't matter at this point what i am hallucinating, and what i am seeing, because the damage has been done. I don't know how we will get back to good.
David and i talked last weekend for hours. We stayed up all night, and for the first time, he issued his dislike for my "college friends". He felt hurt that i didn't call, which, was my choice. He felt that i was taken away by them and abandoned my duties as a friend. I hate having done that, i can't take it back. I wasn't sorry on saturday, and i should have been. I don't like this person.
At the end of the day i feel lost. Like all of my priorities go out the window. I talk to people all day, and love it. The people i have surrounded myself with are genuinely nice and humerous individuals. I have that element of smart, and i always have heidi and david to spill my true feelings with. I miss having that other side, that knew me too well... and loved me. But, it's akward because i don't feel like it's an option i can have anymore.
I talked to Bryce yesterday and he told me he likes me. This, doesn't work for me because i am in no mood to fall in love. I asked him, "why me?" It's a popular question. And the thing that was most amazing, was that he gave me the same answer i have gotten from every single man i have ever asked. It's because i'm me. It's the person that i am, the energy that i give off, the way that i speak, the things i talk about, my smile, me, in a nutshell. And i love that answer and i hate it. Because it never explains how someone stops liking me. I don't stop being me. I'm me all the time, so how is it that people let me go? I don't want to love Bryce. If i could never fall in love again, it would be better. But i will, in a moment of weakness, and even be happy about it. And then my heart will break, and i don't know what i will do next.
If i didn't have to live anymore, i wouldn't. Death doesn't scare me and i look at it as a journey i would love to take. Perhaps a month ago, i only thought i was dying because i wanted to die. If i could take those pills and fall asleep forever, whose to say it would not be better than struggling here every day? I am, however, not suicidal, believe me when i say that. The future is such a long time, things are not as bad as they will ever be, but i simply don't see the point in living.
It's such a selfish thing to say, i don't see a point. It kind of slights everyone i know as not worthy of inspiring life, but i assure you, that is not my intention. The people around me are the only things that sustain me, keep me alive. Every single one of you is amazing. This is a problem i have for myself. Soemthing i have to defeat, on my own, in my own time. Don't worry, don't think this is a cry for help cause i all honesty, if you try to help, i'll prolly just end up hating you.
If it wasn't for the support of a dear friend and all of the kind words that i have recieved from him, i wouldn't even know what to do. Robert is by far one of the sweetest individuals in the world. To think that someone believes in me no matter what i do... who still roots for me, and has selfish reasons and not so selfish ones. Our correspondence and our general love for one another makes me continue. It makes me hate myself for thinking of death as a release. He is the one good thing that take for granted, and he was never granted mine.. but he could have been.
I don't like my life. I don't know many who do, but then i do know a few. We all complain, but usually, just do that as a way of release. I, truly, have a disdain for who i am. Perhaps it's the constant reassurance that i just disreguard. I don't take anyone really seriously. I feel so let down by human kind, it takes some proving to make me believe you. Anymore, i'd just rather skip it. Do i really need another person to worry about?
That's my problem. We always have to grow and want to meet more people. I don't. I'm done. For whatever reason. The answers, i don't have, and prolly never will.
I've experienced heartbreak in the past few days via a good friend. I'm glad i could be there for her in a way that she couldn't be there for me most recently. Not to say, she has not been one of the biggest support systems in my life. She's held me through perhaps the most horrible of my ordeals. But, this was bad, for her. I'd never seen her in such a state. It's painful to watch someone that in love be so hurt by it, and still willing to do whatever it takes to hold on to some kind of hope for a future with their past.
If i could wish for one thing, it would be to never cry again. I know that's impossible and at times, it feels nice to just cry. But, i'd still hope for a world without my tears. It just sounds like a better place. Somewhere i might actually want to live.
I've said time and time again that i don't regret. Honestly, it's like a sign of weakness to me. I've been so busy trying to fight the bad and never let myself show an ounce of weakness that i haven't been honest. My thought of regret does depend on my mood some. But, if i had to look very hard at my entire life, i regret it. A lot of the things i've done, and a lot of the places i have gone, i wish i hadn't.
In specifics, the last year and a half of my life, if i could take back, i would. I have and always will be the person that i am. Perhaps i had been shaped in this past year and a half, but i would undo it. I changed into something i am not proud of. People continue to like me with the understanding that i will always love them. We're friends. But, i'm not like that at all. I'm a hardend bitch who only wants you to feel bad about yourself. I write on here so people can use my words against me, maybe finally catch me in a lie. But i dance around and convince myself it's all a lie, they're twisting my words. I'll do it again, you watch.
If i could have never met scott, or dan, or brandon i would be fine. I wouldn't know what i'm missing, and in these shoes, i know that i could do without. I'm holding on to something that i have no grasp of now. I will try and take back these words later in an attempt to keep my "friends", but now, i think i just want to say it because it's true. I don't want to know them because it makes this harder. This growing up and growing apart. I also, don't want to acknowledge that we might be growing apart, but i can feel it.
I talk to Brandon and i feel bored. I feel uncomfortable because i don't know what to talk about. I feel hurt, and slighted, and burned. I don't feel like a best friend anymore, and that hurts my pride a little too. I'm small talked and worked in to a hectic schedule which seems to consist of him spending hours with most everyone but me. It doesn't matter at this point what i am hallucinating, and what i am seeing, because the damage has been done. I don't know how we will get back to good.
David and i talked last weekend for hours. We stayed up all night, and for the first time, he issued his dislike for my "college friends". He felt hurt that i didn't call, which, was my choice. He felt that i was taken away by them and abandoned my duties as a friend. I hate having done that, i can't take it back. I wasn't sorry on saturday, and i should have been. I don't like this person.
At the end of the day i feel lost. Like all of my priorities go out the window. I talk to people all day, and love it. The people i have surrounded myself with are genuinely nice and humerous individuals. I have that element of smart, and i always have heidi and david to spill my true feelings with. I miss having that other side, that knew me too well... and loved me. But, it's akward because i don't feel like it's an option i can have anymore.
I talked to Bryce yesterday and he told me he likes me. This, doesn't work for me because i am in no mood to fall in love. I asked him, "why me?" It's a popular question. And the thing that was most amazing, was that he gave me the same answer i have gotten from every single man i have ever asked. It's because i'm me. It's the person that i am, the energy that i give off, the way that i speak, the things i talk about, my smile, me, in a nutshell. And i love that answer and i hate it. Because it never explains how someone stops liking me. I don't stop being me. I'm me all the time, so how is it that people let me go? I don't want to love Bryce. If i could never fall in love again, it would be better. But i will, in a moment of weakness, and even be happy about it. And then my heart will break, and i don't know what i will do next.
If i didn't have to live anymore, i wouldn't. Death doesn't scare me and i look at it as a journey i would love to take. Perhaps a month ago, i only thought i was dying because i wanted to die. If i could take those pills and fall asleep forever, whose to say it would not be better than struggling here every day? I am, however, not suicidal, believe me when i say that. The future is such a long time, things are not as bad as they will ever be, but i simply don't see the point in living.
It's such a selfish thing to say, i don't see a point. It kind of slights everyone i know as not worthy of inspiring life, but i assure you, that is not my intention. The people around me are the only things that sustain me, keep me alive. Every single one of you is amazing. This is a problem i have for myself. Soemthing i have to defeat, on my own, in my own time. Don't worry, don't think this is a cry for help cause i all honesty, if you try to help, i'll prolly just end up hating you.
If it wasn't for the support of a dear friend and all of the kind words that i have recieved from him, i wouldn't even know what to do. Robert is by far one of the sweetest individuals in the world. To think that someone believes in me no matter what i do... who still roots for me, and has selfish reasons and not so selfish ones. Our correspondence and our general love for one another makes me continue. It makes me hate myself for thinking of death as a release. He is the one good thing that take for granted, and he was never granted mine.. but he could have been.
I don't like my life. I don't know many who do, but then i do know a few. We all complain, but usually, just do that as a way of release. I, truly, have a disdain for who i am. Perhaps it's the constant reassurance that i just disreguard. I don't take anyone really seriously. I feel so let down by human kind, it takes some proving to make me believe you. Anymore, i'd just rather skip it. Do i really need another person to worry about?
That's my problem. We always have to grow and want to meet more people. I don't. I'm done. For whatever reason. The answers, i don't have, and prolly never will.
I've experienced heartbreak in the past few days via a good friend. I'm glad i could be there for her in a way that she couldn't be there for me most recently. Not to say, she has not been one of the biggest support systems in my life. She's held me through perhaps the most horrible of my ordeals. But, this was bad, for her. I'd never seen her in such a state. It's painful to watch someone that in love be so hurt by it, and still willing to do whatever it takes to hold on to some kind of hope for a future with their past.
If i could wish for one thing, it would be to never cry again. I know that's impossible and at times, it feels nice to just cry. But, i'd still hope for a world without my tears. It just sounds like a better place. Somewhere i might actually want to live.
posted by chelC | 11:42 PM
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