tHis CouLd bE tHe VeRy MinUTe i'M awARe i'm ALivE
I really have no reason what-so-ever to be updating this. I don't like really to call this an update, it's a journal... but it had that update feel because i end up going over the main points in my life. I don't really like to rant, not usually, but i suppose there are always exceptions.
I read my blue notebook the other day. It never ceases to get at me in a way that not even the best novel can. It's because it's me. It's because my memories are so vivid, and they are mine. They are the most pertinent thing to my life.
I am amazed at how much time during class i space out and think about things i have done. Moments that i recount in my head. It makes me kind of sad. To think that my life was actually in that place.
Last year this time i was going to Bella Vita almost every night. It's something i miss. I miss getting the college update. I miss having people away at college who didn't hate me or tell me that i am not welcome in their homes. I miss having hopes of going down to visit and know that i would be welcomed with open arms, and love. It feels like millions of years ago. I am a varitable different person, and in turn, so are they. I think we fit like puzzle pieces then and now the notches in our spines have changed and we do not connect.
Let me think... Last year i only talked to Brandon, about my serious life. I talked to Scott and Dan when they were in town. I waivered between liking ian and not liking ian and being plauged by bad timing all around, i had emotional break downs on a monthly basis, i focused on nothing but getting the fuck out of here, i was despondent from the majority of my friends, i did not get involved in any after school activity, my grades stayed the same, i was miserable a lot, i didn't sleep, i went through tremendous back pain, un needed stress, three break ups of friends, and multitude of other things i don't even want to try and remember. I think i had more happen in my last year than i did the other two years of high school combined. I wonder why, honestly?
I want to get away from here in a hopes to forget most of the past. I want to remember what i want to remember and forget the rest. Seattle is appealing for a reason. Instead of chasing the girl, i am running away from the boy. I think it all depends on just how much you love someone. I know there are other factors than just that one thing. I mean i do have friends here, and there are more important people, like family. But the bad in this situation out does the good. I have to go where i am happy, that is not here. I need more opportunity. I feel i've tapped this resource. I'm gonna go somewhere else, god willing. I don't want to run in circles, and i don't want to run into the past anymore.
There are some who are strong and don't let the demons of their past haunt them. Fuck you if you think i am ridiculous. Some people aren't that damn strong. I try, i don't just go limp and say whatever, this is too hard, boo hoo. If you say i am not trying hard enough, exactly what is enough? Will you tell me that? Tell me to get over it. Then tell me how. Let it go? How?Just put it behind you. How? Forget. How? In time, with distance, that's how i am going to do it. I won't let go of those that i love, believe me. I have an idea, and i am going to try it.
I'm so tired but i don't want to sleep. I have nothing to do now. I am just waiting for the nxt big thing. There is no challenge to this year. I sleep more often than not and then just stay up late at night out of boredom. I don't accomplish a task, or freak out over school work. I just am.
I am numb, to any kind of connection to another person, at least chemically. My friends, oh hell yea, fun times fuckin ten. I can tell heids anything. But i have no butterflies in my stomach. I have no one that i love flirting with at school. It's all just kind of the same, joke, giggle, smile, laugh, hug, repeat. I won't have sex this year. I am calling it now, and i am half happy about it. I won't waste my time with a high school retard. I'll have my V card. I like that. And i'll feel clean knowing i didn't have sex with something i didn't love. I see every guy as a friend now, not an opportunity. I think they have that same respect for me, and that's really cool, also just a little disheartening. I wish i didn't attend penn where no one is worth the time. Ever.
If i could track my progress through high school, how much i have changed! I think the person i am is the best i could do. I enjoy the fact that i am a lot like my father. He is the coolest person i know. I could have been better, in better circumstances, but i don't think i would have been in michigan as much as i was otherwise.
Bryce is callng me now. I think i should prolly answer... I'm just so tired i don't know what the hell we are going to talk about. And i sure hope we don't talk too long. I mean, damn, damn, damn, damn.
I don't know what i mean.
I read my blue notebook the other day. It never ceases to get at me in a way that not even the best novel can. It's because it's me. It's because my memories are so vivid, and they are mine. They are the most pertinent thing to my life.
I am amazed at how much time during class i space out and think about things i have done. Moments that i recount in my head. It makes me kind of sad. To think that my life was actually in that place.
Last year this time i was going to Bella Vita almost every night. It's something i miss. I miss getting the college update. I miss having people away at college who didn't hate me or tell me that i am not welcome in their homes. I miss having hopes of going down to visit and know that i would be welcomed with open arms, and love. It feels like millions of years ago. I am a varitable different person, and in turn, so are they. I think we fit like puzzle pieces then and now the notches in our spines have changed and we do not connect.
Let me think... Last year i only talked to Brandon, about my serious life. I talked to Scott and Dan when they were in town. I waivered between liking ian and not liking ian and being plauged by bad timing all around, i had emotional break downs on a monthly basis, i focused on nothing but getting the fuck out of here, i was despondent from the majority of my friends, i did not get involved in any after school activity, my grades stayed the same, i was miserable a lot, i didn't sleep, i went through tremendous back pain, un needed stress, three break ups of friends, and multitude of other things i don't even want to try and remember. I think i had more happen in my last year than i did the other two years of high school combined. I wonder why, honestly?
I want to get away from here in a hopes to forget most of the past. I want to remember what i want to remember and forget the rest. Seattle is appealing for a reason. Instead of chasing the girl, i am running away from the boy. I think it all depends on just how much you love someone. I know there are other factors than just that one thing. I mean i do have friends here, and there are more important people, like family. But the bad in this situation out does the good. I have to go where i am happy, that is not here. I need more opportunity. I feel i've tapped this resource. I'm gonna go somewhere else, god willing. I don't want to run in circles, and i don't want to run into the past anymore.
There are some who are strong and don't let the demons of their past haunt them. Fuck you if you think i am ridiculous. Some people aren't that damn strong. I try, i don't just go limp and say whatever, this is too hard, boo hoo. If you say i am not trying hard enough, exactly what is enough? Will you tell me that? Tell me to get over it. Then tell me how. Let it go? How?Just put it behind you. How? Forget. How? In time, with distance, that's how i am going to do it. I won't let go of those that i love, believe me. I have an idea, and i am going to try it.
I'm so tired but i don't want to sleep. I have nothing to do now. I am just waiting for the nxt big thing. There is no challenge to this year. I sleep more often than not and then just stay up late at night out of boredom. I don't accomplish a task, or freak out over school work. I just am.
I am numb, to any kind of connection to another person, at least chemically. My friends, oh hell yea, fun times fuckin ten. I can tell heids anything. But i have no butterflies in my stomach. I have no one that i love flirting with at school. It's all just kind of the same, joke, giggle, smile, laugh, hug, repeat. I won't have sex this year. I am calling it now, and i am half happy about it. I won't waste my time with a high school retard. I'll have my V card. I like that. And i'll feel clean knowing i didn't have sex with something i didn't love. I see every guy as a friend now, not an opportunity. I think they have that same respect for me, and that's really cool, also just a little disheartening. I wish i didn't attend penn where no one is worth the time. Ever.
If i could track my progress through high school, how much i have changed! I think the person i am is the best i could do. I enjoy the fact that i am a lot like my father. He is the coolest person i know. I could have been better, in better circumstances, but i don't think i would have been in michigan as much as i was otherwise.
Bryce is callng me now. I think i should prolly answer... I'm just so tired i don't know what the hell we are going to talk about. And i sure hope we don't talk too long. I mean, damn, damn, damn, damn.
I don't know what i mean.
posted by chelC | 1:01 AM
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